Reflections

Yesterday a mother died - cancer finally conquered her physical body.  Elizabeth Edwards was a remarkable woman. 

I was awestruck at her ability to forgive her husband for his wandering ways.  I don't know if I have it in me to offer that level of compassion to another person who has damaged my trust in them.  I know you must think I'm the biggest hyprocrite for thinking this way, but really, I wouldn't expect forgiveness for my indescretions or even ask for it.  Why would I ask someone whom I have shattered for forgiveness when it's clearly meant to make me feel better?  But, Elizabeth did it.  She swallowed her anger and did a very noble thing by showing her husband forgiveness...so he would feel like less of an ass when he had nothing to offer her to make her feel better, and she showed it again when his love child came into  her life.  May I keep this in my heart for the future as something that is very powerful to possess - the ability to forgive. 

She shielded her children from her anger and disappointment and raised them to look up to their father in a positive light.  That to me is inspirational and a lesson I will also keep in mind - that no matter how angry I am at the father of my children, I need to remember that to them, he is everything.  Words are damaging and it's not hurting him if I bad mouth him, it hurts my credibility with them.  I don't want to become that bitter person in their lives and lose their trust. 

In all things that happened to her, she maintained a positive spirit for those around her.  She was a beacon of hope for those who battle cancer, an inspiration to parents who have lost children, and a testament to the act of forgiveness for those whose hearts have been broken and trust severed.

Rest in Peace Elizabeth...you touched many people in your life here on earth.

‎"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful" Elizabeth Edwards

on the subject of dating & college

Little Man told his sister that his bestfriend's brother is in love with her and wants to marry her.  The look on her face was priceless because the boy looks like a gelfling from Dark Crystal and his older brother, who is friends with Little Man, has bad hair and yellow teeth.  Pretty good sign that the younger brother will follow in his older brother's footsteps. Proud mama moment for me that my girl is already showing discriminating taste towards men at 5 years old.  So, in response to her crinkled up little face and the "Aw, jeez" comment, I tell her that she's way too young to be marrying anyone and not to worry about it.

Well, Princess decides to inform me that she is indeed old enough to get married because she's a big girl.  I had to break it to her that she's too little and she has to be my size before she can even begin dating...in fact, I started on the whole, "you will be 16 before you even go on your first date" rule.  Adorable little one that she is, thought she'd try out her hand at negotiation, since it works out so well for Little Man, that she flat out says, "no mom, 17!"........DEAL!  I'll take it... no problem.  ;)  she was so proud to bend me in her direction of thinking and I secretly enjoyed the fact that she screwed herself without realizing it and I wasn't about to point out the mistake. 

At this time, Little Man decides to chime into the conversation and claim that he's not dating until he's 19.  Think the poor kid thought that by claiming an age higher than his sister, he'd win me over more...after all, I was ecstatic that she said she wasn't dating until she was 17, so by saying 19, how happy would I be?  Again, I said, "DEAL!"  In fact, I told them both that if they wanted to wait on dating until after they completed high school and got into college, I'd be fine with that completely.

Well, this set off a whole new conversation that we seem to go back to over and over again.  Little Man does not want to go away to college because he doesn't want to leave me.  Now, you all know me, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids and never want them to leave, but because I LOVE them SOOOO much, I know that their leaving the nest someday is the best thing for them.  So, I told them both, that by the time they're out of high school, in fact, probably long before that time, they're going to be sick of me.  This they couldn't not believe...and for now, I'm going to enjoy how much they love me and adore me.  Because, I know damn well, that once hormones start flowing it's gonna be ugly!  :) these are my kids after all and they share my flair for the dramatic!

So, Little Man and the Princess both ask if they'll have any fun in college.  My boy, well, I'm sure he's going to have more than enough fun.  The Princess...well, my only goal is to keep her off Girls Gone Wild and out of working at Hooters for drinking money.   So, I tell them, "yes, you will have fun...you will meet amazing new friends and have memorable experiences that will last your entire life"...

Kind of makes me sad that we're talking about all this now and they're only 7 and 5... so much else in between now and then to tackle and enjoy.  While I can't wait for it to happen, I definitely would like to go back to when they were babies, sitting quietly with them and staring at their beautiful and perfect little faces looking up at me while they eat and sleep.

Holiday Diet Day Two

Office mate brought in left over homemade pumpkin pie today and my little brain quickly calculated and determined that it's a vegetable, so it's good for me, so I could let myself have one little peice.  Lucky for me, all my requests to be bitch slapped for stepping out of my diet zone were taken seriously and a wonderful work friend came flying down to the kitchen just in time to see me unwrap and drool over said pie.  The alternative of sugar free hot chocolate (with extra calcium) satisfied the sweet tooth enough.

I ALMOST caved on my diet and i'm not even fully into day 2. yeah, I have ZERO will power, I know this...not even going to try to deny that fact. 

My daily walk was a speed walk to Whole Foods for lunch and back to work again.  All the yummy bakery smells, and the holiday goodness all over - chocolate, candies, the smell of cinnamon and apples.  Why did I pick NOW to decide to do this?  Seriously?
I only gotta lose 17 pounds...how hard can that be? 

Weight: note to self, in addition to pedometer, must buy a scale
Calorie/Food intake: (skipped breakfast-i know, bad move), sugar free hot cocoa, chicken caesar salad with lemons (no dressing), diet sprite, two bottles of water and one vitamin water ZERO, minestrone soup and pack of albacore tuna for snack. 
Workout: brisk walk to grocery store, pilates tonight and the FIRM

I will be Wonder Woman by Christmas!

In the Spirit of Bridget Jones Diary

As many of you know, I'm embarking on a total transformation and attempting to do this during the holidays.  Yes, I know, probably NOT the best idea but I'm gonna go with it anyway. 

Weight: 127
BMI: 23.3 (normal is 18-24.9)
GOAL- 110, size 2 jeans

So, starting today - NO sugar.  No breads.  Basically doing the southbeach diet, which means, no fruit either for at least two weeks.  Pure veggies and protein.  Lots of water and diet/no calorie drinks and snacks. 

Starting today - daily lunch walk of 30 minutes, however far that will take me per day.  Note to self, buy pedometer!!

Mood:  meh?  So far, not wanting to kill anyone, but definitely VERY hungry and wishing I could eat that apple I brought with me today by mistake.  Hungry, low blood sugar me = bad news for someone along the way!

-- UPDATES--
it's 3:40 p.m., I'm doing ok, except for the pangs of hunger which i'm quenching with water.  thinking working out tonight before bed might make me feel better. 

I'm thankful for....

Long before the first holiday turkey was purchased at the grocery store, retailers had been ready to go for the Christmas season.  Last week, in Target, I heard Christmas music playing as the final touches on the displays were placed.  On my way to work today, our local station had their Christmas carols playing...and I actually kept the station on and sang along....for a girl who used to wait until the last minute to put up a tree, this is very very strange behavior!  :)

I've been sitting here...thinking long and hard about all I'm so very thankful for this year and here it is, not in any particular order: 

• I'm thankful that I've more or less kept my sanity.  Notice how I said more or less....I realize I do still have a bit of nuttiness in me and really, that's probably going to an endearing character trait for life. 
• I'm thankful to be the mother of two amazingly wonderful children. 
• I'm thankful for the roof above my head and a job to support the mortgage of that home
• I'm thankful for the career path I'm on right now and for our association maintaining ACCME accreditation!  that was a BIG weight off my shoulders to have passed that hurdle!!!
• I'm thankful for my siblings - for their support, for their never ending source of love and inspiration, for their humor and all around wonderfulness!
• I'm thankful I still have both my parents - and look forward to creating more memories with them
• I'm thankful for all my fantastic and loving friends... you all have been super amazing and I'm so happy to have you all in my life
• I'm thankful for good wine ;)
• I'm thankful for chocolate chip cookies on a bad day

With all this in my mind and heart, I'm looking forward to another holiday season of memories and family.  Again, my children will express their joy and love this Christmas through home made gifts of cards, cookies and crafts.  We'll decorate our home together, setting up the tree and I'll even let them put the ornaments anywhere they want (very hard to do for someone like me).

If I don't post again this week...have a very, very happy thanksgiving!  I love you all very much!

Random Facts About Me

There is this "game" of sharing 25-30 random thoughts about yourself and tagging it for all your friends to read.  I found my answers from facebook from two years ago and figured I'd edit/add on to complete my "30 random facts". 

1.) I'm the oldest of 5 kids and LOVE my siblings to pieces. I’m their mini-mom and will always be ready to dispense love, advice and humor at a moment’s notice.
2.) Road trips with my brother Nathan always includes laughter so hard it hurts
3.) I’m a natural born Texan and sometimes feel like all I need for a good day is some country music and my boots…
4.) I have 5 true best friends…one of whom will NOT join facebook because he says he’s on the computer too much during the day. What crap is that?
5.) LOVE beer over wine… and jello shooters over shots.
6.) I think some of the happiest memories of my life center around living in Munich and the friends I had when I was there.
7.) I secretly hated Charles County when I moved there, but now wish it was the old county it used to be over the crap hole it has become.
8.) Becoming a mom and raising my kids is the most important thing I’ll ever do. Nothing will top it ever.
9.) I live for my morning wake ups from my kids…they are sweetest first thing in the morning and the cuddle time is amazing
10.) I’ve worked for the same company for 12 years and still love it. My co-workers are some of the funniest people I’ve met!
11.) I suddenly have found reason to believe in fairy tales and magic… and love that my daughter believes in princesses and fairies --edit--fairy tales are bullshit
12.) You can never know too much about trains and tractors and Titanic…and appreciate legos for their ability to keep a boy occupied. If only he could pick them up….
13.) I miss my days as a server at Olive Garden…and all the good times we had back then.
14.) I have this knack for stepping on the only lego or other small hard object left on the floor in the middle of the night on a bathroom run. 
15.) My experience with my inlaws has taught me to cherish my family more than ever and reminded me that although you're told that you're "family", well, you really aren't when the other shoe drops.
16.) LOVE Italian and German food… will never get enough.
17.) Seriously addicted to Pepsi and need one first thing in the morning
18.) I get grouchy if I’m woken up rudely…which could be described as tickling, wrestling, whining, complaining, lights on before I’m ready, covers pulled back on a cold morning. Yeah, seriously will throw off my entire day. See #9…if I’m not being woken up this way, it’s gonna be a rough day
19.) I DVR greys anatomy, private practice, and Vampire Diaries. Just in case I’m interrupted or fall asleep, I can go back and catch up again
20.) I’m a child of the 80s and wish we could all go back to collar popping, tapping the pants, slouch socks and colorful converse allstars. How can you not smile dressed like that?
21.) Love watching sappy love stories, eating something too yummy and crying with my Meegan.
22.) Found that my sister and step sister will continually find ways to shock me…
23.) I hate doing laundry…hate it… hate it…hate it. Wish I could just NOT fold another item of clothing ever again. Yeah, this is the part of mommyhood I did not sign on for.
24.) I’m not OCD, but seriously will mess up my day if I don’t put the keys in the same spot. Well… then there is the dishwasher, the way I fold towels, the sorting of the kids toys, …OMG I’m turning into my father.
25.) I love all my family and friends so much
26.) Purple will always improve my mood and make me smile if I catch a glimpse of it randomly during the day
27.) I love how the sand on a beach can be walked on and the tide can come in and wipe it clean over and over again.  It's a soothing reminder that life is a cycle of renewal. 
28.) Monday Night Football is probably one of the greatest things on TV
29.) I get bothered by people who do "just enough" to get by and are unhappy with their lot in life.  If you want to be happy, be willing to go that extra mile.  Might be hard for a time, but the rewards later will be worth it.--this is also something that i'm working on in myself
30.) One of the most endearing qualities about me  is my uncanny ability to have many "open mouth insert foot" moments...also known as "being awesome".

Things That Make You Go --- HMMMM

Front page of MSN today - This Cricket has Cajones.  YES, I clicked on it and had to read it.  Remember what I said a long time ago about withholding judgement of my postings?  That some things I post may be off the wall random or hard to handle?  Well, this is gonna be one of those posts - you've been warned, read on at your own risk!

Apparently there is a bush cricket that has a testicle to body size ratio of 14%.  The article states that if this was put into human size ratios - a 200 lb man would have balls that weighed 28lbs.  Random thoughts included - what would pants look like if that was the case for all humans?  How would one walk?  What would the other part look like then?  Proportionate? And, if so, how would us chicks have evolved to handle that?  And, how would she get around then?  I know, I know... that's just me.  Just ask me about midgets sometime, the questions I have about how they go about their daily living are plentiful-where do they buy clothes, etc.  But, I digress!

Reading further, the article states that size does not mean more "sperm"...the size makes it possible for this cricket to keep on going like the energizer bunny.  And, with good reason, too!  The article then mentions that the female of this species is a promiscuous she devil!  Most promiscous of the cricket species...so, Mother Nature is very kind to the male crickets then by giving him big ones and allowing him to keep up with a never ever fully satisfied counterpart. 

....in my next life, I am going to be a female bush cricket.... seems perfect for me to come back as a bug, that bug in particular!  And, I'm sure I'll be very happy!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40109803/ns/technology_and_science-science/?gt1=43001

All I Want For Christmas is a Stripper Pole

Tis the Season folks!  Christmas is right around the corner, plans are being made and my poor fat ass is panicking over the prospect of me baking MORE cookies, cakes and pies this season once Thanksgiving wraps up in a couple weeks.  I never actually fixed the damage that last season rendered on my poor teeny body and nothing good is gonna come of this season either.  Good point to mention though is that I'm not nearly the head case I was last year over the holidays so perhaps I won't feel it neccessary to hoover an entire batch of cookies in one lonely night!...notice how I said, "perhaps"...we all know that means, "not likely" and I might as well get the size 6 pants ordered for after new years.

The monkeys are busy tossing around their "wants" for Christmas and each time, I have to mention that Santa is following mommy's new "3 gifts" max rule.  Baby Jesus, our Lord Savior, King of Kings (really making sure I use their christian education to my advantage here) recieved only 3 gifts, so why on earth would we expect to have more than Him? I think I ALMOST have them convinced that this is a good idea.  Let's see how Christmas morning pans out!  On top of that, I'm asking them to use some of their hard earned and saved money to purchase a toy for the Toys for Tots drive...as a way to help others less fortunate.  Christmas isn't always about "things" and "he who dies with the most toys" is dead...period.  Can't take any of it with you and if you have excess while others have nothing, that's just not right.

The holidays for me and the kiddos is and always will be about family, friends and making memories- ice skating, decorating the tree, making cards, cookies, ornaments, finding a living nativity scene, and maybe taking a ride on the Polar Express.  It's being grateful for each other, grateful for what we have.  It's about opening our homes to those without family for the season and sharing traditions with each other. 

.......now, I know you're glancing back up at the title of this post and wondering, "What about the stripper pole?  What's up with that?? Is she getting one?"  Shame on you for thinking it and to those related to me, I hope you threw up a little in your mouth with that thought!  No, I have not asked Santa for a stripper pole...............this year anyway.  Kind of a waste right now.  What I've added to my list is as follows:

1.) Hans Jorg Butt jersey (Bayern Munich goalie) - because he's an awesome leader for his team and I will get a sick satisfaction of walking around with a shirt that says "butt".
2.) Waffle maker - friend of mine sent me a GREAT recipe for brown sugar maple bacon waffles.  I just gotta try to make these things!
3.) Big girl camera - my little "elf" or whatever just doesn't cut it all the time.  I have some damn cute kids who do amazingly awesome things that are missed because the stupid camera takes too long to take the shot!
4.) New computer - i really want my own computer at home with all the bells and whistles. 

I'm sure I'll think of more things I just can't live without before Christmas, but for now, I think this is it!  :) I know I can only get 3 of the 4, per the baby jesus rule... and 3 out of 4 ain't all that bad!

I Wanted to be Wonderwoman... What Happened to THAT Dream?

I remember watching Wonder Woman when I was little... Lynda Carter would spin really fast in place and transform into her.  I even had Wonder Woman underoos. I wanted the awesomely cool bullet deflecting wrist bands AND the invisible jet.  She was gorgeous and sexy.  She was, to me, what it meant to be a tough, no nonsense chick when I was 5 years old.

Well, I eventually outgrew my underoos, the granny panty style star undies went WAY out of style, the show went off the air and Lynda Carter got old.  I never really was one for comic books, so the dream died as quickly as it appeared.  Darn shame my parents steered me to real books and playing outside.  I can see how letting me get locked in my head and in a comic could have had disastrous results.  But, after checking out wikipedia, I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't stand firm and demand my mom buy me more comics, larger underoos and learn more about this phenomonal example of a woman...even if she is JUST a character. 

Check this out:
Wonder Woman is an Amazon (based on the Amazons of Greek mythology) and was created as a "distinctly feminist role model whose mission was to bring the Amazon ideals of love, peace, and sexual equality to a world torn by the hatred of men." Her powers include superhuman strength, flight, super-speed, super-stamina, and super-agility. She is highly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and in the art of tactical warfare. She also possesses an animal-like cunning and a natural rapport with animals, which has in the past been presented as an actual ability to communicate with the animal kingdom. She uses her Lasso of Truth, which forces those bound by it to tell the truth, a pair of indestructible bracelets, a tiara which serves as a projectile, and an invisible airplane.

So, I now have a goal...to grow up to be Wonder Woman.  Stay tuned to see how this turns out.  First things first - MUST get my fat ass back into the size 2 jeans and lose this cookie baby of a tummy!  Can't sport that AWESOMELY sexy costume in THIS body.  ;)

Where Would We Be Without Friends?

 Yesterday I was chatting with a dear, sweet, wonderful friend (who knows WAY too much about me and I will continue to lavish praise on her) and some old memories came up in conversation.  In talking to her, I had this realization of how enriched my life has been thanks to the friendships I have established with these fantastic people. 

My friends list isn't a long one - for those I can call true friends.  These people have seen me at my worst and at my best and I have seen them through some hard times as well and never gave up on them.  I'm fairly certain that if I were to have a big party at my house and invite them all in, it would be amazing!  The one major thing we all have in common is our ability to laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves too seriously. 

So, to my wonderful life long friends, I leave you with these memories of mine and look forward to what you might also remember about me along the way.  I love you guys so much!

• bicycle rodeo in perlacher forest
• two for flinching
• girlscout meetings
• skipping school to go to burger king
• throwing pebbles at your window every morning during the summer
• dentist visits to fix teeth chipped by crazy "volleyball" accidents
• when chopping lettuce with a food processor, it works better to remove chopped lettuce before adding more.  can't imagine why mushy lettuce wasn't a hit that night
• learning how to smuggle alcohol onto a school picnic function- if it's in a water bottle, and it's clear, it HAS to be water, right?
• learning how to drive a stick in the church parking lot and learning how to avoid brick walls all in one night
• Dairy Queen visits - had NO clue we were THAT close to Richmond
• Repellers!!!!! 
• homecoming after being dumped - thank you for letting me borrow your boyfriend so I didn't have to go alone
• paying off DJ at same dance so I didn't have to hear a song played since it was THE lovesong of the year
• always having a date for movies, dinner and prom at a moment's notice
• bonfire parties that involved saving my poor dog from the flames (the dog house was NOT firewood)
• sappy love stories from Blockbuster and pumpkin pie nights
• Denny's study nights and paying for coffee in pennies
• playing rummy when the power cut out at the mall and we were locked in the store
• sneaking out and popping the clutch to drive around town in the middle of the night
• night swimming and fence climbing
• driving all over VA to hunt down loser cheating boyfriend
• sitting in parked car for hours because someone was being a stubborn ass and wouldn't fasten his seat belt
• theater class and play rehearsals
• curling your hair before the big away football game so you'd be the prettiest one on the pom team-you have a lot of hair you know!
• wedding planning
• wanting to attack priest for threatening to not allow you to be married and you having to dismiss me to the car before I made it worse
• marriage on the beach at sunrise, in October, in RennFest costume... SOOO cold but beautiful
• baby showers, natural child birth classes that just didn't work out and babies
• football parties
• Wednesday wine nights

That's just a sample of some of my favorite memories... :) I really, really love you all!  Thank you for everything!

I LOVE YOU

Saying, "I love you"... when is it too much, not enough?  Should you ever refrain from saying it because you're sure the other person knows you love them already and don't need to hear it? 

Every opportunity I have, I say I love you to my family and my close friends.  Before bedtime, as we're getting off the phone, before I take off on a plane for work travel, just randomly during the day as I grab a kid in a bear hug.  There is never a moment in any of their lives where they will doubt the love I have for them.  For some strange reason, I ended up marrying the guy who decided early in our relationship that saying, "I love you" all the time was overkill, I should know he loved me... And, sadly, I accepted that.  Shocker that things fell apart as they did. 

I'm not about to push for people tossing out generic sounding "love you" just to say it...it has to be felt from the heart and also has to be followed up with demonstrations of love in every day situations.  Like, perhaps, bear hugging children, putting away laundry, picking up flowers, having a truck detailed, passionate kiss out of no where, actively listening to your person to know which author is their favorite, which movie they want to see, cooking dinner...sitting with them quietly after a long hard day without any expectations. 

Never, ever, ever pass up an opportunity to say, "I love you".  You just don't know when that chance will be gone and the regret carried on both sides of the coin can be more than most can handle.  Do you want to look back at the last time you were with someone special and remember their voice saying, "I love you" and having that echo in your heart?  Or, do you want to kick yourself for the rest of your life for not saying it to them while the moment was there? 

Think about it... :) I love you!

Why Pollyanna?

I was asked why I chose the pen name, "Becoming Pollyanna" and was shocked that there are people out in the world who have NO clue who Pollyanna is or understand the reference.  Let me take a moment to educate you people... ;-)

When I was young, my mom had us watch old Disney movies - and one of them was called Pollyanna, based on the book which came out in 1913.  The story is about an orphan girl who was sent to live with her aunt and over time she transformed the citizens of an entire town due to her contagious positive spirit.  She had a game she played with her father called the glad game and it was a way to find the good in every situation.  Toward the end of the movie, she became paralyzed and although she couldn't walk, she was grateful that she had the opportunity to have her legs work at one point in her young life.

For me to "become Pollyanna", I need to embrace this positive outlook and continue to focus on the good parts in my life and be grateful for the gifts - big and small - when they are bestowed upon me.  My thanks to the universe for these gifts is to continue to pass along positivity and love each step of my life journey, paying it forward to others who need it and touching the lives of those who are also struggling. 

It's tough to be like this when life seems to be throwing me curveballs, but I'm getting better at it as I go, thanks to some amazing family members and great friends who can make me laugh at myself and who remind me how lucky I really am.

So, if you have never read the book - here's another one for you to go check out at the library. Or find the movie on Netflix.... and really try to think about the underlying lesson:  That sometimes life sucks, I mean really, really sucks.  But, there is always something in your life you can be grateful for and that's how you start to become Pollyanna!

My Last Lecture

A couple of years ago, one of my best friends turned me on to a book called "The Last Lecture" by Professor Randy Pausch.  In this book, Dr. Pausch outlines all the life lessons he wanted to impart on his children and his students.  The premise for the book was that Dr. Pausch was invited by Carnegie to give a "Last Lecture" to the students - the theme being, this is your last chance to talk to the students, what lessons would you like to leave them?  Sadly, Dr. Pausch was battling pancreatic cancer and this was actually truly his last lecture.  He followed this presentation with the book in which he expanded on the lessons so that his children would have his wisdom in front of them forever.  If you haven't read it, pick it up today and read it, treasure it and pass it on, pay it forward.  This world will become a better place if we learn to live by some of his examples! 

My "last lecture" is based on a letter I wrote to my brother on his 18th birthday.  I will likely write a similar one to each of my kids as they get ready to leave the nest and think there are very valuable nuggets in here for everyone to think of again  - because we do forget and always need reminding:

I have so much I want to express to you before you leave, but I just didn’t find the right time or place to say the things I needed to say. I’m sorry I wasn’t around for you the way I have been for the others. I feel bad that I didn’t teach you how to drive or attend your school functions or soccer games. Hopefully we’ll have other opportunities to spend time together as you get older, right?
It’s hard to believe you’re 18 years old. You’ve grown up so much and endured so much over the past couple of years. I know that you, as well as the rest of us have been dealt a crappy hand. It sucks that our parents are the way they are. But, we can’t change them or fix them. We cannot control their actions or reactions. Their problems are their own; their past, present and future are their own. We are NOT them. We have the chance to do things right. We have each other to lean on and support—to see us for who we are. I know we have to work a little harder for the things our friends have. And I can also tell you that we will enjoy the fruits of our labors more than our friends. When you work for something, and the reward is sweet, the feeling you come away with in the end is something your friends will never be able to understand or duplicate.

I truly believe in you. I don’t think you realize how special you are and always will be. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to. You’re so smart, caring, talented, and level-headed. Spending time with you at the art museum allowed me to see only a part of your intelligence. I was awestruck watching you view the art and talk about the artists. Your curiosity and thirst for knowledge is inspiring. I wished so much that I had you as my older brother and role model. I wanted to know the things you know, read your books and understand them. You have so much to offer…remember that.

Unfortunately, I can’t protect you from every evil, temptation or bad decision which will confront you as you grow up. I have to trust that you can take care of yourself. For some reason, you and I were blessed with the ability to take care of ourselves and our family. I am so proud of the way you’ve taken care of our younger siblings. I felt better knowing you were there for them. I want to make sure I pass onto you these pearls of wisdom that were not given to me when I was your age. Please remember them and take them to heart.

Money Watch your money, watch your money, watch your money! As soon as you get your bank accounts, make sure you save your money. Only put money into your checking account that will cover your bills and expenses. Put the rest in savings! Always pay yourself first. What ever you put in savings must not be touched. This is your lifeline…your down payment on a car, house, or investment. Set up a separate savings account for big purchases or school. Balance your checkbook…Don’t write a check you can’t cover. Don’t spend more than you can afford. If you must borrow, pay it back on time. Don’t skip payments ever. Your credit is so important. Excellent credit will allow you to buy a house, motorcycle, new car. Your credit history stays with you forever.


Cars Learn as much as you can about how your car works and learn how to maintain your vehicle. Car maintenance can become expensive…always find ways to cut costs! An oil change is less than $10. Don’t get suckered into paying Jiffy Lube for something you can do on your own. Check your oil, fluids, tires and brakes. If you take care of it, it will last longer. Keep track of your repairs and maintenance religiously. You should always know when to change your oil or rotate your tires. Never skip a car payment. It’s not cool to have your credit history screwed up or have your car repossessed. And, one more very important car tip. Insure your car. Do NOT go without car insurance ever. Don’t count on mom and dad to do this for you. It’s your car, your responsibility.

Health If your job offers health insurance, please sign up for it. Otherwise, shop around for rates and sign up. It will be pricey, but will save you from hassle later on! Getting sick, breaking a foot, cutting off fingers, car accident can be expensive. Make sure you take your vitamins, drink milk and juice and get a physical once a year. Keep having your eyes checked, too. One of the first things I did when I moved out was buy health insurance.


Work Well, you seem to have this one covered. Respect your boss…even if you don’t agree with them. Go to work on time, and bust your backside. Always go the extra mile. And remember…if you need to get out of town, you can come down here and work with XXX.


Girls Ok, so you don’t have a girl friend right now…but you will someday. Please treat her with respect and adoration. Give compliments, remember special days and listen to her. Always be honest and truthful. Trust is very important. I’m going to save the safe sex thing…I hope you know what you need to know there. If not, ask. Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. Try to step back and examine what happened. If it’s something you did, make sure you don’t do it again. If it’s something she did, well, you can’t change her. Either learn to love her with her faults or move on. Always remember that if you do suffer a heart wrenching break up, you will find happiness again. I promise. Don't take it out on the next girl who comes into your life...

Other pearls Send thank you cards, show your appreciation, be kind to others and generous with your time, talents and skills. Help a friend, stranger or neighbor when they need it. Pay it forward…do something nice for someone. It will come back to you. And never be too proud to ask for help.


I guess that’s it for now. I’m sorry to ramble on, but I had to write this to you. I love you so much. I am always here for you. Thank you for being a great brother and a wonderful person! I love you!  Sissy

The Spider That ALMOST Killed Me - and the Laws of Attraction

Here he is folks... that's him right there... this creepy dude almost killed me last night.  No lie. 

I was headed to Target to pick up snacks for my little girl's school.  It was late and the sky was dark.  As I'm driving along, something catches my eye, moving quickly across my windshield -ON THE INSIDE!  A spider... creepy, big as my head spider was doing laps back and forth, up and down my windshield.  I felt this panic wash over me and couldn't take my eyes off of where he was.  Yes!  I was still driving, trying to watch the road ahead of me, looking for a place to pull over and cry.  My chest was caving in, I broke into cold sweats and prayed HARD that he didn't figure out how to get off the windshield and above my head.  I knew that if this sucker were to actually drop on me or jump on me, it would be the end of me. 

I pulled into the Target parking lot and jumped out of my car.  This guy was TOO BIG for me to find a napkin and smoosh him... size of my head, remember?  So, as I stood outside my car, watching him start lap #7 across my windshield, I weighed my options:  Set fire to my car, leave the car and the keys with the spider and walk home, head over to the liquor store and drink heavily so as to forget there is a spider in the car in the first place (and of course, walk home).  I texted my friends and family and their responses were oh so helpful!

My brother asks me what kind of spider is it? Really?  I didn't stop to have a conversation with the creepy bastard who just repossessed my car.  Name the spider, try to humanize it... makes it easier to handle.  Are you freaking kidding me?  How can you humanize something with 8 legs and horns?  My sister replies with a simple, "I hate that!" Then goes on to admit that it happened to her once and she peed her pants and cried all the way home from school.  Ok, that made me feel just a little better since I hadn't actually peed my pants yet.  My friends responses were comforting - one said she'd take care of it for me, BUT, she lives an hour away in a different state.  Another gave me practical advice on how to use a cup and peice of paper.  Others agreed with me that giving up the car was probably the only option I had going for me.  At this point, I just ran into Target, doing that ooky full body shiver dance the entire way inside, not really caring at all what people around me thought.  Yes, they probably checked to see if I had just approached the store from one of the handicap spots.

I picked up snacks, wandered around the store a little more with hopes that when I got back outside, the car would be driving away with the spider flashing me a peace sign out the window.  I could claim it stolen then, use the money from the loss, along with the hail damage money to buy a new car.  No such luck though...the car was still there and there was NO sign of the spider when I got back in. 

As I'm heading back home, one of my other brothers calls me - he was in class when my text came through and wanted to find out if I had died yet.  He asks the obvious - is the spider still in the car?  YES!!! Thank you, I was trying so hard to NOT think about where that little m-f'er was.  So, then he just kind of laughs a little.  What's so funny I ask? 

"Did you not learn anything from the Secret?  The way the laws of attraction works?  You just decorated your entire house for halloween, complete with spiders in just about every room of the house, spider web drink coasters, candle holders, gel spiders on windows and mirrors... You asked the universe for this spider.  You did  this to yourself"

Hold on a second...what???  Are you serious??  Now, at this point, I've lost it.  All I can do is laugh at myself because it makes perfect sense in a weird sort of way.  Why couldn't I decorate the house with pictures of werewolves?  I would have had Taylor Lautner in my car next to me or, even better...

THIS GUY!  That would have been a MUCH better option!




So... a couple lessons learned here folks - I need to really, really pay close attention to what I'm sending out into the universe, because I can't handle anymore surprises.  I almost feel like I'm dealing with a Power with a warped sense of humor - make a wish and get it back sorta.  Other lesson... have car detailed more often and keep windows closed tight! :)

Kisses, sweet kisses

I chatted with a friend who is recently married - I mean really recently married and still has the sunburn from his honeymoon.  In our little talks, I made mention that there are keys to a happy marriage (based on what I have been lacking for always) and proceded to lay these rules down for him starting with NEVER EVER STOP KISSING.

...and he tells me that they don't really kiss.  I was FLOORED!  I mean completely totally floored and so freaking confused!

How can that be ok and how is that even possible with a happily just married couple? 

Call me a hopeless romantic and one who gets that little tug at my insides with the quote by Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind:  You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.  It took someone quoting this to me and I never realized how true this was, that the "often" part is very important as is "the one" giving the kisses.  Once that was introduced in my life, it was like a drug...couldn't get enough of it.  So, to be newly married and already finding the kisses waning makes me sad for my friend.

And, looking back at my marriage way back in the day - that moment on the alter after the vows were said and the pronouncement was said...that awkward moment comes back to me again like a hammer to my heart.  I remember not knowing how to kiss my new husband that day - remember thinking that this should have been discussed at some point - what type of new married couple kiss would seal the deal?  Then there was the point that I really missed until recently - that the passionate kisses had faded long before the marriage vows were even said and can't ever be revived again.

So, readers.... what's your take on the situation? Kissing - over-rated? I mean really?  Am I just delusional to think that its so important?

Fire on a Cold Night

Wandering aimlessly, stumbling along the path before me
Appearing through the trees, the fire draws me near.
For a moment I sit beside the hearth, welcoming the companionship, as the chill is forgotten.
The wind whispers, I have to leave, my searching is not over.
Turning away from the flames, I feel the grip of cold on my heart
Taking my breath away with each tightening grasp.
Reaching back, I grab an ember, feeling the warmth in my hand as a reminder.
Flailing, helpless, tripping on my own two feet
Lost on the path stretching before me, the ember's heat fading in my hand.
Am I walking in circles?
Stronger, brighter, more fierce, leaping higher into the air
Flames coaxing me, drawing me closer to the hearth again
Stepping from the path, the cold forgotten.
Enticing, licking, caressing flames
Twirling, dancing, spinning, falling
Burning!
The fire spits me out back into the chilly night.
I'm left with a forever memory of that moment
Searing, red, hot
The flames subside and a fading scar remains
Each glance reminding me of where I don't belong.
The wind howls, the path reappears before me.
Searching, pleading, wanting shelter from the cold and protection from the fire
I stumble along the path before me.

What Is It I Want

Interesting - I found an old journal, one that was hand written from 2008 time period and thought I'd post this...my wish I had put out into the universe:

What Is It I Want?

A companion to walk beside me, with me

Help me with dinner

Be a partner, work with me

Kindness to others, genuine spirit

Easily smiles with eyes that also smile

Laugh and Play and be Silly

Make me a better mom and wife by taking care of me, too

Don't allow me to shut down when I get mad

Don't walk away from me

Be devoted, loyal and supportive

Accept and forgive my faults

Embrace what makes me passionate

Appreciate the things that make me smile

Love my children

Show my children that you love me and be their friend

Anticipate my needs

Have faith

Love life

Possess positive energy

Eat Pray Love - so Inspiring

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." - Elizabeth Gilbert

This summer, I read the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" and was inspired.  So much of what Elizabeth goes through in this book I have felt in my own heart.  That realization that the perfect marriage and life wasn't where she was supposed to be, the falling for this random man in her life who was all she could think of, but so wrong for her and the longing to rediscover herself so she could move on to a greater life and purpose. 

Unfortunately, I can't take a year of my life off to travel to Italy, India and Bali... but I'm determined to find my own path.  First things first, shed the bad, the ugly, the energy sapping world around me for something better.

Peicing Together Texas

I finally made it back to Texas after two very long years since the last visit.  I definitely had that feeling that I landed home again, but please realize, the last time I lived here, I was an infant, so I can't really figure out where the affinity for this place comes from?

Anyway!  It was a great trip...I was finally able to participate in an event with some of my members with whom I've worked closely over the past few years.  What a great group of people!  This trip opened my eyes to many new opportunities with them and gave me a better understanding of the history and the culture of this group.  I really can't wait to work with them again soon! 

Now, the "off hours" were entertaining to say the least.  First night was centered around this search for Big Lou's Pizza, home of the 52" pie.  Yes, 52".  That's merely 10" shorter in diameter than me.  We decided to take it easy and only order the 37".... Lesson learned:  NEVER attempt to eat a 37" pizza unless you are also dining with very hungry teenage boys.  Also - realized I really do like Stiner Bock, so much so that I did my best to take down a Mass of it.  For my German loving friends, you know that a Mass is a very big mug!  :)

My last night out - we had dinner on the Riverwalk at Biga on the Banks... LOVELY!  Following dinner, a small group of us hit up Howl at the Moon piano bar.  I so so so LOVE those places and I'm not sure why?  The piano players play the chords to some songs, royally mess up the lyrics or mumble their way through them...yet we keep on tipping them for more!  Add some beers and suddenly, out of no where, the lyrics magically make sense again.  It's crazy! :)  Well, as the night went on, I decided in my infinite wisdom and playfulness to hunt down EVERY guy in the place with a cowboy hat and get my picture taken with the hat on.  Wow...no one said no to me and handed the hat over with big smiles.  Going through my head was "I so love TEXAS".  Come to find out later from a fairly reliable source that to ask a cowboy for his hat is code for "I wanna save a horse and ride a cowboy instead" if you know what I mean ;) AWKWARD and now it makes perfect sense why the one dude followed me all over the bar.  Sorry to disappoint you guys, but not that kind of girl.

We headed back to the hotel and decided to hang out at the Charlie's Long Bar for the night - the sign said 2 am closing time and heck, it was only 11:45!  Found the jukebox, and the group fed it with dollars and selected such an eclectic mix of music...really didn't make sense at all.  Neil Diamond, Kenny Chesney, Credence Clearwater, Cher, Bon Jovi, Guns and Roses, Lady Antebellum... and we proceeded to sing these songs at the TOP of our lungs as if we were still at the piano bar with a club full of drunken music lovers.  Apparently, this was not so much enjoyable to the other hotel guests and management decided to close the bar at 12:30 due to low volume of business.  Hello?  Really?  We were buying drinks...LOTS of drinks!  So, lights came up, jukebox was unplugged, we ordered as much as we could carry and some drinks got to-go cups.  We picked up our basket of chips, plate of peanuts, guacamole and salsa and searched for a place to finish up the night!

Woke up LATE for work the next day... still spinning and trying not to be sick.  My party friends also felt the same way.  Hastily packed my bags to check out... as I was walking to check out, remembered vaguely that I didn't carry a purse the night before and wondered where the heck I left my license, credit card and $100 in cash.  I proceeded to dump all my stuff out in the hotel lobby area in desperate search for these items swearing to myself OVER and OVER... I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN...and GOD BLESS TEXAS!

:)

Oh Patsy... Why did you leave so soon?

Sweet dreams of you

Every night I go through

Why can't I forget you and start my life anew

Instead of having sweet dreams about you

You don't love me, it's plain

I should know I'll never wear your ring

I should hate you the whole night through

Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Sweet dreams of you

Things I know can't come true

Why can't I forget the past, start loving someone new

Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Wow, could Patsy Kline nail my emotions in one song or what?  I had downloaded this song a LONG time ago, and not entirely remembering what sparked it beyond wanting to have some really old country songs on my iPod.  And, looking back, I never imagined that the lyrics would fit my universal shift so perfectly. 
 
My head keeps telling me what I need to do...how things aren't what I had thought they were and to pursue something further is only going to lead to something worse for me down the road.  Yes, that pretty much opened up the wound in my heart and the salt shaker that is my mind just dumped away.  Felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't think...actually felt physically ill. 
 
But, you know what?  I am starting to trust my gut a little more each day.  I'm looking for those signs - the apparent, in my face signs (like someone choosing to not talk to me anymore) and the not so apparent that I'll figure out as I go.  It was all about the signs 2 years ago, so I need to stop, look and listen again.  Some call it God talking to me, others call it the Universe...whatever it is, I'm hearing it louder as I go along and it's getting MUCH harder to drown it out. 
 
Time for new dreams.........and to keep trusting that I'm doing the right thing.
 

There Was a Shift in My Universe

Every now and then, the universe steps in, makes an executive decision, and forces us to take a right when we were absolutely sure we'd be taking a left. This is one of those times, and as sensitive as you are, you'll realize it as soon as you open your eyes this morning. So when you end up someplace you weren't supposed to be anywhere near, chatting with someone you feel an immediate affinity toward, you'll get it. You were supposed to meet. *Washington Post Horoscope*


Today started out differently than other days - for one thing, I decided that I would become a coffee drinker. Not just one of those "every now and then, when I happen to be near Starbucks" drinkers, but one of those, "I own a coffee machine and I will have a fresh cup brewing when I wake up" drinkers.  First reaction at 6 a.m.?  Need to buy REAL coffee maker which is programmed to brew.  I  hate waking up in the morning and doing ANY activity that doesn't involve standing under a hot shower and letting the water hit the top of my head while I struggle to actually wake up. I don't even like when the dog BEGS me to let him out right when he wants to go out, so now I've just added "making coffee" to my so called "morning routine".  Wasn't sure as I struggled out of bed if I had made the right decision.
 
But, waking up and brewing a pot of coffee allowed me to get the dog out sooner rather than later.  While I was in the kitchen so I made lunches BEFORE making breakfast.  I unloaded the dishes and reloaded it again, let the dog in, and experienced a morning shower of which I was actually awake for the first 2 minutes.  Shocker how that felt.... just plain weird!  But, as weird as it was, I could get used to it.   The kids woke up and I was ready for the onslaught of random topics of conversation from my son and for battling the snuggle bug who is my daughter (she's REALLY good at luring me back to sleep).  It ended up being the first morning in a LONG time that didn't feel full of stress and rushing around...and mind you, I was saving the coffee for the ride into work and wasn't hopped up on early a.m. caffeine. ;)
 
So, here I am, after lunch and just feeling differently.  It honestly feels like the universe shifted.  I am seeing and feeling things differently than I was on Friday.  Now, about this last part of my horoscope... I had thought I was meant to meet someone before when I met him.  Fate has been cruel to me lately, so we'll see how it turns out going forward now that my universe has shifted.

Raising Prince Charming

When I found out that I was having a little boy - yes, I am that person, the one who has to know RIGHT NOW and can't wait for the actual birthday - so many worries popped into my head about how bad I could scar him for life if I wasn't a good, strong mom in raising him.  I instantly had dreams of how he would turn out - he would be handsome, charming, intelligent, musical, artistic, athletic.  He'd learn to cook well and also learn how to fix a car and change the oil, rotate tires and all that.  His dad is a hunter, so I knew that he'd also be an outdoorsman.  All of these plans for him for piano lessons and football, to nights at the Opera and weekends in the woods.  I knew deep down, that my job was to turn him into the perfect man - one that would be a contributor to the world and one that would be a husband and father - a GOOD husband and father.  Did I want him tough or did I want for him to be sensitive to his feelings and the feelings of others? 

I held him when he wanted to be held.  I watched his little face, we stared at each other while he ate, smiling at him every moment.  I held him while I read to him, I talked to him about the world around him.  I used manners from the day he was born - please and thank you.  Firm no's and even affirmative yes's and praise.  I spent less time chasing him around saying no and more time showing him what would make me say yes.  As he got older, I watched how he interacted with others - from family to strangers.  This little man, before he could actually form words, would make sounds that resembled the tone of "thank you" and "bless you".  If you sneezed or coughed, you heard the sound from him.  If you gave him something he wanted, you heard him say thank you.  He would find the most unhappy person within eye sight and make them smile.  He hugged willingly and loved completely. 

At 7, he compliments those around him, praises those who need the pat on the back.  When he plays sports and someone falls down or is hurt, he's one of the first ones to their side to help them back up.  He gives all he has to make everyone around him feel wonderful without expectation that it be returned.  He  holds open doors, says hello to people who walk by him and takes time to ask, "How are you?" and he honestly cares for a reply. 

I honestly don't know what life will be like as he gets older and life in general becomes more challenging for him.  Peer pressure will impact him and I hope all I've taught him will help him make the best decisions.  I hope he keeps his gentle personality and caring spirit!  And most of all, I hope he continues to love the way he loves!

Thoughts on Prince Charming

My friends and I have shared conversations over the recent months regarding the subject of Prince Charming.   

As young girls, we're raised on fairy tales.  We're taught through our bed time stories and Disney movies that Prince Charming is this devestatingly handsome young man on a striking and shiny horse.  He has impeccable timing - see all the stories of how he just shows up at the right moment in time - to wake a sleeping beauty, or rescue a princess from a tower guarded by fire breathing dragons.  These stories tell us to shy away from the people in dark cloaks, with warts and hunchbacks...they're the bad ones, the evil ones and all around horrible things happen when we try to be nice to them. 

Good man versus Evil bad man - easy to spot, right?  Now, as I read recently from another chick like me in cyber world, it's not really like this in real life is it?  The good guys are not easy to spot, and the ones who are often bad for you are way too charming for their own good, right?  We get caught with the wrong ones because of the charm, the attention, the sparkle in the eye, the devestating smile. 

So, how do you bump into Prince Charming or be lucky enough to be found by him if you're a lonely trapped Princess or peasant girl?  Seriously? I am starting to believe Prince Charming does not exist...now, if he does exist, or if you, reader, believe I am poorly mistaken and blinded by my bitterness towards "true love", please prove to me he's real.  Give me examples of him in your lives or the lives of others.  Make me believe the fairy tale again.  I had thought I was so close to believing at one point just a year or so ago, but the dream may be gone now.

Love Lessons from the Russian Cab Driver

It's been a rough road for me over the past two years, with this past year being the most gut-wrenching and lonely.  I watched my marriage corrode into such a dysfunctional state and realized I had no interest or desire to mend it.  I didn't like the person I was married to and really liked myself even less for who I had become and what I lost sight of within myself over the years.So, I struggled to reconnect with myself again, to distance myself from the negative and tried to embrace what was important to me so I could overcome the challenges I invited into my life. 

Without meaning to, I met someone wonderful who helped me reach deep into my soul - I felt alive again, desired, wanted, loved, adored and it was amazing!  And, then, for the first time in more years than I can remember my heart was broken--all of it crashed down around me and I was left shattered into a million peices.  I couldn't feel a thing.  I was numb to everything.  Food had no taste, the words within my books were merely collections of random letters and gibberish.  My energy was gone, I could barely pull myself together.  Want to know what's more tragic about all this?  I have two wonderful children who had to watch this happen and I'm sickened by how that may have impacted them. 

Slowly though, after more nights of seemingly endless crying and brooding, I came back.  I didn't realize how strong my spirit was until recently... not sure if I ever want to figure out what would kill it entirely, but for now, I'm going to venture out and say I can survive just about anything.

EXCEPT perhaps my recent ride home from the airport the other day.  What a trip!  I disembarked my flight, 20 minutes ahead of schedule, my suitcase was one of the first off the luggage belt, the taxi lane was empty and I was the only one in line.  Then, a beautiful Ford Expedition pulls up - clean, new and ready to carry me back to my car so I can go home.  Once my door closed, however, my seemingly positive mood and light hearted feelings were turned upside down.

I got to meet "Vlad" (taking creative strides to name this angel).  Vlad is an older man, probably in his mid 50s and Russian.  He had a LOT on his mind and he was going to make sure to share everything he knew about love with me whether I wanted to know or not.  I definitely believe in fate - and there is a divine reason why I was connected with this cabbie.  Vlad is bitter...after 3 marriages, countless failed relationships with girlfriends, and a daughter who doesn't like him much, of course he's angry...wouldn't you be if all the women in your life made you miserable? 

What shocked me though - after hearing him rant and rave on and on about how horrible these women are, how he gives and gives and gives, he still says he believes in love...true love.  That it exists.  He knows this because he's seen it.  Not personally in his own life mind you - see above about wives and girlfriends.  Evidently, his brother has a beautiful marriage.  He married young, and soon after he married, his kidneys failed.  Vlad donated one of his own kidneys to his brother (great guy, right?).  This young bride stuck by her husband - through the sickness, the surgeries, the recovery.  The young couple attempted to open and operate their own restaurants in Russia, only to have them fail and they were broke...she would come from her job, then work at the restaurants with her husband, breaking her back to make sure they could make one a success.  Through all this better or worse, sickness and health, she stood by him and never left him.  To Vlad, this is what love is all about. 

It's about loyalty and dedication.  It's about knowing that all you put into your relationship will be returned back to you - maybe not at once, but over time.  It's believing in the person you're with so much so that you cannot let them fail. 

After hearing all of this, I was left thinking of my situation.  I knew again, that my marriage was not the one that Vlad's brother had.  I don't have that partner who believes in me so much that he won't let me fail.  I also had to sit back and realize that I may be becoming bitter like Vlad.  I may be unknowingly wishing for other relationships to fail because I can't have one that works.  And, honestly, how is that any good?  If I project bitterness towards others in loving, caring relationships (even subconsciously), then I'm only going to attract negative energy back into my life and I will NEVER be happy ever again.

So, the cab ride ended with Vlad saying he still believes in love, that all of these women are just crazy and clearly it's them, not him that is the problem.  Vlad pulls my suitcase from the back of the truck and drops it next to me on the blacktop... really, I think to myself?  You can't put my suitcase in my trunk for me as a gentlemanly gesture - even though I'm paying you and tipping you for this extra service?  And it hits me.  Vlad buddy, it's you, not them.  But, thank you for the talk, for the divine intervention and for opening my eyes again! 

My daughter, my love, my heart

The day I found out I was having a little girl, I panicked...full blown panicked.  What kind of mom would I be to her?  Did I have what it took to raise her into a strong minded, confident lady?  What kind of girl would she become?  Would she love pink?  Or be a tomboy?  Would she adore me or hate me? 
I love my mom...but my mom wasn't THAT mom... you know?  The mom who french braids hair, has mommy daughter days at the spa, loves shopping and talking about boys.  nope, my mom was different.  She taught me to read, write, and appreciate literature.  She took me to nursing school with her and developed my love for anatomy.  Her personal demons led her to do just enough mothering to get by.  Her lack of mothering taught me to become a mom long before I had kids of my own.

So, what kind of daughter did I end up with?  What kind of mom will I have to be to handle this little princess?

My little one--my beautiful wavy blonde hair, blue eyed "cindy lou who"... She's amazing.  One part of her is tough as nails.  She does not back down from a fight even when she's DEAD wrong.  I appreciate that strength of character more than she will ever realize, though I will fight her to the death to prove that I am still the reigning queen in our house.  :) All these things about her, she possessed from the moment she came into this world.  She knew at a very young age what she liked and didn't like - and did not for one moment adapt into a passive personality.  As a newborn, she was determined.  As a nearly 5 years old little girl, she still has a determination about her.  She pushes my buttons just enough to get the reaction she wants out of me and turns soft as butter with love and tenderness, hugs and kisses. 

she's taught me about myself...that I do have a powerful strength within me blended with a crazy sense of patience.  That I have it within me to push back, to take control and be firm and never compromise on what is right.  What she has taught me is that I can endure all things presented to me in this life...and I must overcome the challenges for her, for her brother and for me. 

God bless the day she came into my life...

Cookies and Happy Thoughts

Chocolate Chip Cookies make me happy...for so many wonderful reasons.  The chewy cookie, the warm, melty chips...the way a glass of cold milk tastes extra specially refreshing served along side.... I used to love seeing that yellow Nestle Tollhouse bag of chocolate morsels when I was little...i knew that a fresh baked batch of cookies was just around the corner.  Watching my mom combine all the yummy ingredients in a bowl, mixing the butter, brown sugar, flour and chips with a big wooden spoon, then dropping spoonfuls of dough on to a cookie sheet.  The 9-10 minute wait for a cookie was almost unbearable.  While they baked, I was allowed to eat the left over dough off the spoons and bowl - yes, I realize how "unhealthy" and "unsafe" that is, but I'm 35 years old and still kicking.  :)  I still enjoy baking chocolate chips and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how easy it is now--buy a pack of cookie dough, already mixed up and portioned out into 24 scrumptious cookies.  ready to eat in less than 12 minutes--gooey, warm and melty chocolatey goodness...YUMMY!

My great granny's buttermilk cut out cookies from Christmas are my other cookie comfort food.  I'm proud to say I have FINALLY mastered the art of baking these cookies and the tradition is not going to die with my mom.  Christmas in our house was always family oriented--we helped decorate cookies, we made our own tree ornaments and one year, my little brothers sang carols to my parents as a present.  GOOD times.  Anticipating christmas cookie time is probably the most exciting moment between Thanksgiving and Christmas morning.  The smell of these cookies, topped with a sweet powdered sugar icing with a touch of anise is enough to transport me back to being a little kid again!  THEN the fun part of decorating them - icing them then using powdered sugar, drages, and sprinkles to create a perfectly designed cookie.  The best part about these cookies - the longer they sit, the better they taste. 

I find that when I can't shut off the overthinking and can't journal out what's bouncing around inside my head that baking gives me that quiet focus.  What's an even better bonus now is that my kids are finally old enough to help out with baking, so we have our family time--measuring ingredients, stirring batter, dropping spoonfuls of dough on cookie sheets and picking out the right cookie cutters to make the PERFECT cut out cookie... all a perfect recipe for smiles all around!  :)

...only downside is that eating all the cookies has led to me needing to diet to fit into summer clothes... *sigh*...think I'll have another cookie, please!

bad dreams

I had this bad dream the other night - I dropped my kids off to a new school and walked my son to his new class room. He found an open desk, put away his stuff and sat down, but I couldn't leave him in the room. I had this overwhelming feeling that I made a mistake, and I removed him from his safe school he had always known and tossed him into a new environment that was cold, dismal, disorganized and scary.

Reason I describe it as that is because there was a noticeable lack of color in the classroom, it was very dark and gray; it was overcast and cold outside. The window in the room was opaque, so you couldn't see outside. The desks were scattered all over the room, some were in a circle, others arranged outside the circle. Another part of my dream that stands out is that he chose an empty desk in the circle, but when other kids came in, they edged him out of the circle.

What the heck am I supposed to make of that?? Not that I need something else to worry about these days, you know?