Let Your Past Make You Better

It's crazy...really.  How can two people meet so randomly, fall totally in love and have such hang ups that the idea of "forever after" brings on anxieties and cold sweats.  There was a moment of truth that came out a little while ago - that one of us (or both) may never want to get remarried ever again.  At the time it was said, it made perfect sense.  Who could do even think of entering into a "forever" situation when we're still not even out of the terrible marriages that scarred us in the first place? 

But, now, I'm wondering...what if?  What if the time comes that I want that official forever after?  To be connected to someone like that again?  I mean, couples can be together for the long haul without ever having to walk down an aisle again and making vows under God that were pretty much thrown away the first go around.   What does a marriage license even guarantee?  It doesn't make the relationship any stronger or last any longer.  Yep..jaded definitely.  But...

So, I talk to one of my besties to work all this through.  When I'm having one of those overthinking insecure moments, the BFF team knows exactly what to say to make it all better...to put it all back into perspective and that's amazing to me.

I told BFF so confidently, that I was never getting married ever again and was met with a simple, "Yes, you most certainly will some day.  You weren't given a second chance at happiness to not go all the way with it." 

As we talk through stuff at the time, I'm coming off a very trippy dream where I was basically being left again under similar circumstances - cheated on, abandoned.  Stirred up so many emotions which I thought were dealt with, but obviously not.  So, me being the me we all know so well, decided, "fuck it, I'll leave before I'm left, I don't need this right now."  I felt strong saying it, felt like I was on top of the world with confidence... but, leave it to BFF to knock me down a few pegs and help me see this for what it was.  I was scared...I AM SCARED. 

I don't do vulnerable, period.  I just don't trust the world enough for that.  I put my entire being into another person and here I am 17 years later.  Trust has to be earned and sadly it's a "one step forward, two steps back" situation over nothing and everything.

BFF puts it to me simply - I'm not strong right now.  I'm probably at my weakest moment and my assertions that I'm better off alone, well, he called total 100%  bullshit on that one.  My belief that I'm better off alone, that I will leave before left, is not courage, but cowardice.  My experiences have left me bitter, not better.  I'm losing sight of the person I am, the person my friends and family know so well is hidden behind a protective wall.  So, as tears are flowing down my face, as my soulmate BFF is slapping me awake, making me face cold hard truths about myself, he continues with:

"To put your complete trust in someone, to have that faith that all will be as it should be, to accept that the happiness could end as fast as it came in...that faith in the unknown is strength and bravery of the heart."

Wow...when did he become so wise?  I'm still picturing this dude telling raunchy perverted stories and wearing Dockers with a bad haircut.  And, he keeps going:

"You'll keep on with the day by day thing, you'll love this man, this gift you've been given with your entire heart and you're going to stop waiting for the bad to happen.  The actions of another have nothing to do with this person in your life now".

For whatever reason, this helped...having this talk calmed me.  And, since then, I've been waking up every day thankful for what is in my life and falling asleep thankful for the love and joy I got to experience that day. 

--thank you God for my touchstones --

Don't Think...

not a long post this time around... but this is a sign I wish I could have flash in front of me on those crazy days/nights when I can't turn off my head~  

Perspective is Everything

When I first looked at this picture, I felt a loneliness.  This tree was all by itself, nothing around it.  The clouds were manacing and appear to have been quickly gathering, making me feel as though colder weather was coming and this tree would have to endure the winter alone.

Later, when I looked at it again, I saw defiance... mixed with pure rage.  Perhaps it was the color of the leaves?  Maybe it was the way the sky looked like it was ready to throw down?  It was like the tree was being taunted by nature and it the red leaves were a warning, saying, "Bring it, you can't take me".

Recently though, when I looked at this picture, I felt contentment and peace.  Against the cloudy sky, the tree is appears to be thriving.  It's leaves are full, it's weathered a full season, blooming in the spring, providing shade in the summer and waiting for the moment to shed it's old leaves and prepare for a fresh start in the spring again.  The foundation from which it has flourished is green and healthy.  This tree is a survivor because of the healthy support the ground gives the roots underneath the surface. 

Thinking back on the day I found this picture to the moment I decided to post this entry, I can see that I've come a long way.  The anger and loneliness I felt for so long is fading, and I'm starting to see beauty and happiness where I didn't see it before. 

I'm so thankful for the support i've recieved which have held my roots firm and for the storms I've endured which have tested my strength.  Perspective is everything!