What is it I deserve? And What Does This Mean Anyway?

...i've made mistakes in my life, i've let people take advantage of me, and i've accepted way less than i deserve.  But, i've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry, i'll know better next time and i wont settle for anything less than i deserve...

Instead of following my gut and heart over the years, I chose to take an easier route and accept something contrary to what I really wanted and needed.  It was easier to compromise on just about everything at the time than stand up, say no and walk away.  Being alone, lonely and weak allowed me to slip further away from who I am.  The hole I dug for myself got deeper and deeper over time and so did my resentments.  I'm not a material person, so when I talk about what it is I "need", it's not about a car, a house, big tv or new shoes.  What I needed was more than that and looking back at it all - the material got in the way of the intangible gifts I was searching for...and the emptiness inside grew. 

In this limbo area of my life I'm in right now, there is plenty of opportunity to really think about what I want in the future.  We've discussed certain aspects of it - and I've been working hard to build myself up to be a stronger person spiritually, physicially and emotionally.  I am waiting for another test of strength in which I'll face down a fear, situation or person and know completely that I'll not back down again when it matters most.  It's not that I'm giving up on compromise, but that for once, I don't want to be the one compromising all the time.  I want that balance, that give and take, the sun to my moon, the peas to my carrots, because I truly believe I deserve that.

By definition, to be deserving of something, means to be worthy of it. It means to be chosen to accept an honor, a gift, a compliment and at times, a punishment.  What is it that I deserve and need to remember and hold on to with all my heart as I continue through limbo to the other side of my life as I know it?   What are my deal breakers? 

Hopeful and Cautious - What a Mix

I made a decision the other day that I was going to approach this whole "dating" thing from a completely different angle.  I wasn't going to meet someone to cure loneliness or fill a void in my heart - because, this is something only I can fix in myself in my own time.  Whatever timeline I thought I was on was thrown away.  Life happens when you're busy making plans they say, so what would I miss while trying to fit things into a neat little plan of how I wanted life to turn out? 

I'd miss the laughter of my kids, the quiet moments on the couch reading, I'd miss the way they enjoy football practice and cheerleading.  I'd miss the simple joy of my tiny kitchen - cooking, baking, and filling bellies.  I'd miss the marvel of a summer thunderstorm, the quiet way my old dog breathes when he's fast asleep on the floor next to my bed.  All those little things in my life that make me smile...all those little things I'm so grateful to be able to have every single day. 

Instead of thinking about what I'm missing - I'm thinking of what I have in front of me.  I have GREAT kids...amazing siblings, wonderful and loving friends.  I have life experiences that are mine and mine alone and how I approach situations in response to what has happened to me is entirely my choice to make.  I can be graceful, courteous, caring, empathetic...I can treat others as I want to be treated without any expectation. 

It's funny though, when you're not looking for something, how something can find you.  I'm back to trusting the intuition which led me to where I am today.  And, I'm once again hopeful for something amazing...and yet, still super cautious. 

So, here's to living life as it should be lived.  Here's to loving with an open heart.  Here's to hope and dreams and silliness.  And thank you universe for all of it - the good, bad and ugly.  :)

You'll notice a theme at some point

"We just keep on trying, again and again, no matter how ill-advised it may be, to recreate Aristophanes' two-headed, eight-limbed figure of seamless human union."

As I continue on this separation journey, I'm left thinking, often OVER thinking, about what it is I want and what it is I need to be fulfilled and happy.  I feel like no matter what, I'll never quite find that perfect fit - that perfect person who makes me feel secure and loved.  I'm afraid that there will always be "something" that won't allow me to fully accept another person into my life.

 

My poor soon to be ex-husband begs me daily to take him back.  He's sorry he says.  He's chosen me above all things, he says.  He loves me more than I can ever understand, he says.  I could take him back, but my heart screams at me not to.  That this person is not the other half of me, he doesn't get me, he doesn't know me...and I don't like that I lost all passion and feelings for him.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to bring that feeling back.  Could I melt the ice on my heart for him? The inner voice pierces my brain with a deafening "NO! This is not what you need, this is not what you want...he is not for you".  It's so loud, I can't control it or even try to silence it.

 

But, how do I find that other half of me?  Where do I look?  Do I search or wait for them to find me?  Can I be content with my solitude and patiently wait for that moment when the stars align for us?  I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous I can be when it comes to love.  I never really thought about it until my friend pointed it out - I never really handled being alone before.  Now, mind you, I can care for myself, pay my bills, cook on my own, figure out car problems, make a plan for my future, rearrange furniture, mow a lawn... but to actually be without some sort of male companion... not so much.  I've craved that interaction and attention from the moment I realized how much I ADORED the opposite sex.  To be wanted, desired, loved, hugged, kissed, snuggled...I can't be without that.  I've been trying to live without it...finding ways to expand my horizons which doesn't require being attached at the hip with a man.  But, my heart and mind wanders back to the thoughts of missing my other half...I came close to finding him before, I know I'll find him again. 

 

Until then, I'll just sit on the beach, let the waves soothe my soul and be grateful that I have known love in my life...that I've experienced that feeling before so I'll know it when it comes back to me again.

I'm selfish, impatient and out of control...

The most amazing thing about a beach is that whatever is written in the sand is magically washed away like it never happened--wind, waves, other people walking over it--gone, erased, vanished.  :) this actually makes me smile to think that all I've been through will be washed away, that there are fresh starts and the rest will just be a memory.

It's been a couple weeks since the disaster date happened and I think I'm ok now.  Probably the worst part of it is that somehow or another, music got attached to the memory this person and it was hard for me to listen to anything by One Republic without wanting to stab myself in the ears...but, amazingly, that feeling is going away now.  Thank GOD because I really liked them!  Would be a damn shame if I couldn't listen to them again when they have so many good songs.... 
But, it did make me reflect on what my buddy Toddie said about me - that I have this crazy way of attaching on to people in about 2.5 seconds.  I don't try to make this happen, but it does.  I trust completely until given a reason not to.  Which means I put myself out there a lot - hoping that they'll give me the same amount of trust and respect in return.  And, with that I end up creating a more intimate relationship than is appropriate, way too fast.
What I need to remember in all this going forward is to NOT forget who I am and that good things are worth the wait and the work.  I allowed myself to be changed to make another person happy.  I have to remember to not let that happen again.  I need to stick to my "deal breakers" and be ok with walking away if it's just not right.  I also have to be ok with the idea that there may be things about me that may make them walk away and not to take it personally or sacrifice who I am to keep them around because I'm too scared to be alone.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" Marilyn Monroe

So, with this quote, one of my favorites, I'll sign off.  :)

The Dating Game - Chapter 1

I know many of you think I may possibly be rushing into the dating game WAY to fast.  I get it, you're concerned.  Some have even told me to enjoy being single and unattached for once in my life....thanks you know who for that one! 
I'm 36, and yes, that's still young by most standards, but, for me, I feel like I have a clock ticking over my head and there is a fine line between being happy with the love of my life or being that lady with the 13 cats alone in her home with no one.  I REALLY don't want to be the cat lady and I'm not entirely sure what is driving this feeling?

So, I went on my first real date in 17+ years and it was a great time- movie, dinner, hanging out.  It led to date #2, which also was a great time, which led to discussion of date #3.  I put myself out there, allowed the walls to come down and attempted to trust another person again only to be set up for a shocker situation.  Evidently, the dude is still married - he said separated, which I thought meant like my separation, but apparently, his wife wasn't let in on that tidbit.  Awesome....seriously.  There were other issues that wouldn't have led to anything more happening - homephobic, neanderthal like in his expectations of what a woman's role in the world is.  Le sigh....

Not a fan of dating so far - too stressful.  I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which makes things totally difficult and messy.

I just want my life to be wonderful and happy....too much to ask?