Cicadas and Adventures in Single Mom-hood

Many of you can attest to a couple of simple, straight forward facts about me, if you know me at all - I'm NOT a morning person and I HATE bugs/spiders.  Those two are probably the most important to remember. 

This morning, after dragging myself out of bed following a very sleepless night, my head still a little fuzzy and groggy, not entirely sure what time it was yet, I hear my son yell from the other end of the house, "mom, there's a cicada in the playroom".  I'm sorry, what did he say?  Now, imagine my completely and total horror and shock when I entered the playroom expecting him to toss a cicada nymph shell on me as a joke (since that's what little boys do, terrorize their moms with crap like that) and instead saw THIS sitting on a chair,cozy, chill-axing like he's at a spa:

Oh, yes, I freaked a little, no strike that, a LOT, but had to do it on the inside so as NOT to panic my child and send him into therapy earlier than neccessary.  I had no idea what to do... I glanced around the house, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get this sucker out of my house before he decided to take a self guided tour through the rooms.  Visions of the scene from Black Sheep with Chris Farley popped into my head as i realized I didn't have a broom or protective gear handy to suit up so I could handle this sucker.

From across the playroom, I ask my son to open the patio door - he cracks it open.  No son, I yell, OPEN THE DOOR!!!  So, he slides it all the way open and steps to the side as I slowly inch the chair toward the door, then, once safely out of the house, I attempted to move the creature from my chair to the patio table, with my son's help of course.  Funny thing about these bugs - they're clumsy awkward suckers.  Their bodies are too big for their wings to handle, so when they attempt to take off in flight, they wobble and tumble until their engines kick in.  They become unpredictable as hell, so when this alien thing realized that he was being evicted, he decided to take off, surely flipping me the bird as he was doing so, and I swear to god, if he had landed on me in those clumsy awkward initial flight moments, I wouldn't be here blogging.  F-ing bugs!!!

All I Asked For....So Why Do I Feel Abandoned?

Last week was life changing - and I'm now on this journey I really never believed was going to come my way.  My family and friends have been amazingly supportive, and there are a select few who are pushing me to do more counseling (which I don't believe would help), talk to their Pastor (because mine isn't good enough??), pray harder (since I'm evidently not praying).  With all the love and support, I still feel so crazy alone right now. 
I'm a bit frustrated because when it all settles, he will be able to go back to the life he was leading while we were married - all his time at bars, all the people he's met, he will have options for companionship, whether its a full relationship or to just satisfy an itch.  Me, on the other hand...not so much. 
My first weekend without my kids was unbearable.  Honestly I didn't want to get off my couch at one point - but divine intervention brought a friend to my door and I had a friendly face to keep me company so that the time went by faster.  It's hard not to crave attention and companionship right now, when my ego is more bruised than I thought it would be. 
So, here I am...with a hopeful heart and unclouded mind.  I'm wishing for an easy transition from the old life into the new life.  I pray hard that my kids will forgive me someday, because right now, I'm the super bad guy.  I need something to hold on to which will remind me that this decision is the right one for us - that it was an ultimate act of bravery to make the change I needed to make.  I am looking for another sign to come my way to keep me on the path to happiness.................

The Signs Say Yes

A week or so ago, I asked in my journal for the universe to allow things to align so that my life and that of my children can move to a better place.  I couldn't imagine at that moment's wish that the events would begin to unfold as they did.

I had been accused for years of being unfaithful to my husband and struggled with how badly those accusations affected me and my decisions.  Back then, I never understood what would make someone think that of me, because back then, I was different.  It didn't make sense.  But, I stuck to my guns, denied everything and carried on. 
Then, last week, I had a hunch, a very very strong hunch that made me review in my mind all the past actions and comments of my husband.  Everything in the world pointed to his being unfaithful and as much as I thought it would affect me, it did.  I felt so helpless because all I wanted was to be able to prove it, once and for all.  Then, my moment arrived.

He got sloppy - a very late night text set off a chain of events of which I'm still unsure of how it will turn out.  I woke up the next day and while he was in the bathroom, I did what I swore I'd never do.  I snooped.  I opened his phone and was shocked at what I saw.  I expected to see a different name, but instead, saw the name, "denise".  I have no idea who Denise is...she's not a family friend and because I don't know her, every text sent by her and to her screamed innappropriate.  I put the phone down and the seeds of doubt that had been flying around me for years finally took root in my mind.

Later that same day, I decided I would try to see what was on his other phone.  But, it was locked, a simple pattern stood between me and the truth.  And, divine intervention came shining through when my little girl told me the pattern I needed to trace to get into the phone...and it worked.  I found what I needed to find to convince me beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband had been unfaithful to me.  He broke his vows, he checked out of the marriage and strung ME along for years.

I was so sure he loved me....in his own way.  That he meant it when he said he couldn't live without me.  That I couldn't leave him.  I felt guilty for all my baggage and issues...I felt awful that I couldn't love him as much as he loved me.  But, truth be told...he doesn't love me.  He loves her.  And, he's just waiting for the time when he can grow balls enough to leave ME for her. 

Well Mr. Man... allow me to make it easy for you.  I have the balls you lack.  You underestimated me entirely.  You made a big mistake thinking you're bullet proof.  As Marilyn Monroe once said, "A wise woman leaves before she is left".

Stay tuned for updates...this is going to be a bumpy ride before it's finally over! <3 Pollyanna