I was headed to Target to pick up snacks for my little girl's school. It was late and the sky was dark. As I'm driving along, something catches my eye, moving quickly across my windshield -ON THE INSIDE! A spider... creepy, big as my head spider was doing laps back and forth, up and down my windshield. I felt this panic wash over me and couldn't take my eyes off of where he was. Yes! I was still driving, trying to watch the road ahead of me, looking for a place to pull over and cry. My chest was caving in, I broke into cold sweats and prayed HARD that he didn't figure out how to get off the windshield and above my head. I knew that if this sucker were to actually drop on me or jump on me, it would be the end of me.
I pulled into the Target parking lot and jumped out of my car. This guy was TOO BIG for me to find a napkin and smoosh him... size of my head, remember? So, as I stood outside my car, watching him start lap #7 across my windshield, I weighed my options: Set fire to my car, leave the car and the keys with the spider and walk home, head over to the liquor store and drink heavily so as to forget there is a spider in the car in the first place (and of course, walk home). I texted my friends and family and their responses were oh so helpful!
My brother asks me what kind of spider is it? Really? I didn't stop to have a conversation with the creepy bastard who just repossessed my car. Name the spider, try to humanize it... makes it easier to handle. Are you freaking kidding me? How can you humanize something with 8 legs and horns? My sister replies with a simple, "I hate that!" Then goes on to admit that it happened to her once and she peed her pants and cried all the way home from school. Ok, that made me feel just a little better since I hadn't actually peed my pants yet. My friends responses were comforting - one said she'd take care of it for me, BUT, she lives an hour away in a different state. Another gave me practical advice on how to use a cup and peice of paper. Others agreed with me that giving up the car was probably the only option I had going for me. At this point, I just ran into Target, doing that ooky full body shiver dance the entire way inside, not really caring at all what people around me thought. Yes, they probably checked to see if I had just approached the store from one of the handicap spots.
I picked up snacks, wandered around the store a little more with hopes that when I got back outside, the car would be driving away with the spider flashing me a peace sign out the window. I could claim it stolen then, use the money from the loss, along with the hail damage money to buy a new car. No such luck though...the car was still there and there was NO sign of the spider when I got back in.
As I'm heading back home, one of my other brothers calls me - he was in class when my text came through and wanted to find out if I had died yet. He asks the obvious - is the spider still in the car? YES!!! Thank you, I was trying so hard to NOT think about where that little m-f'er was. So, then he just kind of laughs a little. What's so funny I ask?
"Did you not learn anything from the Secret? The way the laws of attraction works? You just decorated your entire house for halloween, complete with spiders in just about every room of the house, spider web drink coasters, candle holders, gel spiders on windows and mirrors... You asked the universe for this spider. You did this to yourself"
Hold on a second...what??? Are you serious?? Now, at this point, I've lost it. All I can do is laugh at myself because it makes perfect sense in a weird sort of way. Why couldn't I decorate the house with pictures of werewolves? I would have had Taylor Lautner in my car next to me or, even better...
So... a couple lessons learned here folks - I need to really, really pay close attention to what I'm sending out into the universe, because I can't handle anymore surprises. I almost feel like I'm dealing with a Power with a warped sense of humor - make a wish and get it back sorta. Other lesson... have car detailed more often and keep windows closed tight! :)
5 comments:
Damn, those are some killer abs on that man.
You are way to funny and by the way please let me know if that law of attraction works.
YOU TOLD EVERYONE MY SECRET!!! LOL!!!
i didnt name YOU. I dont have my name on this thing either, so i'm some random anonymous blogger til YOU had to point out that you peed your freaking pants in your car. nice one....
Andi, I once drove from Gallup, NM, to Amarillo, TX, with a tarantula creeping around the under the passenger seat. I broke out into a sweat, and started to cry when I realized that at any moment he could find my leg and...hold on, gotta go vomit from the memory. All I did was talk to it. As if I were talking to a person walking in their sleep. Little things like, "Hi, I know your there. Please stay where you are." or "Seriously, dude, what the hell do you want from me???"
It helped me calm down and get into the state of mind that I was the one in power there. The thing was still small enough that I could crush it with my fist if it got to close. I just had to remind myself that it was a living being and probably more scared of the big scary giant screaming at it from a foot away.
I also wanted to know what kind of spider it was, so you wouldn't freak out if it did get too close. There are only a handful of truly aggressive spiders in the world, and none of them live in America, so you don't have to worry about that.
I guess my point is to keep yourself levelheaded in the heat of any given moment. Whether there's a spider in your car or you somehow have ak-47 rounds hitting a cement wall behind you, you know that you have to remain calm to not endanger yourself.
Glad you're safe though. And thanks for the laugh. :)
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