Letting the Water Take Over my Thoughts

There are places I go sometimes to help clear my thoughts and to find my center and the most perfect place is sitting on a beach, to watch the tide come in and then leave.

Each time a wave comes in, I tell it my story, and it takes the anger, frustration, doubt back to the ocean, where it disappears into the deep blue.  By the time the tide goes out, my heart is lighter, my head clearer and the world around me brighter.

Life is a constant renewal - and the Universe finds ways to cleanse our souls if we're ready to let go of the negative so that the positive has room to grow. 


Letter to the Ex-Wife...the Crusher of Dreams

Dear You,
We've never met, you and I.  We know of each other, we've seen pictures, we've heard stories.  In a different place, maybe we'd be friends, since obviously we share something in common.  Something about us both made the same man fall in love with us.  Only difference is that he stopped loving you, which led to him falling in love with me.

This man is every dream come true for me...he was probably your dream come true as well.  Every day, each moment spent with him makes me smile, even the simplest moments...washing dishes, folding laundry, times that are often taken for granted, I'm grateful for them.  The touch of his hand on mine while we watch tv makes my heart skip a beat.  I live for his laugh and his smile and I can't imagine there would be anything I wouldn't do for him.   And, the idea of ever hurting him?  Never...in a million years.

Seeing you in pictures with him turns my stomach, because I know I'll never have what you had with him.  I can see him happy with you.  He chose to marry you, even with the challenges, the disagreements, the moments when you'd wear him down.  He still chose you.   And, you just didn't know what you had by having him.  And you lost him.  Which led to him finding me.

I have to be grateful for you coming into his life, because, if you hadn't, I never would have met him.  But, yet, thanks to you, I have a version of him that isn't as trusting as the person he was with you - which sucks, because I'm sure that version of him was 1000 times more amazing than the version I have (which is still pretty amazing).  I have the man who's approaching life with more caution, the man waiting for the shoe to drop, hiding behind a wall that lets me be only so close, but not as close as you were with him.  With you he saw a new start, a second chance...with me, well...let's just say, I'll only get so close...he has another new start, but all your promises were broken, so mine mean nothing.  He gave you his last name and you took him for granted.  I appreciate everything about him in my life, love him unconditionally, but thanks to you, marrying me someday is off the table. 

I'm supposedly his perfect fit, I make him completely happy.  I take care of him, I love his children like my own.  But, it will never be enough to get passed that wall of doubt he created because of you.  And, that breaks my heart...which I figure is exactly what you'd want.  You've hurt him...and making sure he never finds true complete happiness ever again is exactly what you'd wish on him, because that's the woman you are, a true dream crusher.

Christmas, Wishes and Dreams

Long before life made me bitter and jaded, I dreamt of the "perfect" wedding.   I think every girl does this and often it's at some dreamy stage in her life when it's all rainbows, butterflies, castles and Prince Charming.   There's never really anyone else involved in this plan - just a girl, a magazine and ideas of how her life is supposed to turn out following one magical moment in time in her distant future.
 

I had it in my head that I would have a Christmas wedding.  Naturally, the world is in a happier frame of mind during the holidays - Gifts, food, family, sparkle - its truly magical, so adding a fairy tale wedding right in the middle of all the festivities just made sense in some deep part of my soul. 

My dress would be classic - white satin, long train, even longer lace veil trailing from the perfect sparkling tiara.  My bridesmaids would wear simple black dresses, holding white fur hand muffs, adorned with deep red flowers, dark green foliage and dotted with stephanotis and crystals.  My future husband-to-be and his entourage would wear morning suits of course, with boutonnieres to match my flowing bouquet.  The church would be awash in candle light, with lines of ficus trees dripping in white twinkle lights.  As my guests enter, making their way to their seats, an orchestra would be playing music as festive as the season and the occasion...building up to the moment when I enter the church, with all my hopes and dreams ready to share with the one person placed on this earth to help me realize them.  The party that followed the vows would of course be amazing...every detail was planned out perfectly, without the aid of Pinterest.

Because I missed my family and was longing for tradition, I had begged and begged to visit the National Christmas tree for years after I had moved out of my parents house.  One year, out of the blue, I was asked to go to dinner and visit the National Christmas Tree by the White House, which led to a marriage proposal that I truly wasn't expecting.  I was engaged only days before Christmas and it seemed as though the path I wanted to be on was unfolding in front of me - some of the journey had changed along the way, but, it appeared that this was where I was supposed to be.  Someone wanted to marry me...someone I had been with for what seemed like forever, so it was a natural next step.  That's how its supposed to be right? 

I began a life of what I believed was what marriage was supposed to be about the day we started planning the wedding.  It's not about one person's dream or desires, but what both people would want to make the other person happy.  So, I let go of one of my very first dreams, conceded to a spring wedding, which then set in motion a cycle that turned out not to be about compromise, but something lonely and one-sided.  And ultimately, the marriage ended - we weren't on the same journey, we weren't walking together and I finally had to stop the ride to get off before it killed me.

The Universe made the signs so obvious to me a year ago...I was truly in tune with what I desired most in my life.  I don't think it could have been more obvious that I needed to recreate the life I always wanted and deserved, to bring my dreams within my reach again.

Realizing that I lost this dream recently made me aware that I stopped listening to my soul, my heart, my inner voice even though so much was screaming at me to listen.  So, when I am confronted with  those life defining moments that will in all ways change my life; when I'm at a crossroads, what will I decide?  Will I choose Christmas?

 





The Story of a Year in the Life of....

A year ago, I had a much different life than I have today.  I had a marriage, I was the "typical" working mom with a house, dog, and family.  I had stability.  I had security.  I also had accepted that life was as good as it was going to get.  I was embracing the philosophy that some marriages just aren't perfect.  The fairy tales, the fluff, the romantic comedies, soul mates...all made up.  Life didn't work that way and the sooner I let that go, the better for all.

Funny how a single moment in time opened my eyes and my heart to a fresh way of thinking.  I stopped accepting mediocre.  I stopped looking the other way when obvious signs and symptoms of a bad marriage were right in my face.  I woke up...and took control back of my life.

It's been a journey and it's not over...I don't think it will ever fully be over.  Divorce changes the marital status between two people, but when you have kids, you never really get rid of each other.  Someday I'll stop letting things he says and does bother me.  I'll have that armor of thick skin to protect me from the comments, the insults, the jabs, and the dirty looks.

I've been tested over and over this year - finding new love, navigating life as a single mom and trying to raise the kids in a positive and loving environment, learning how to do the chores around the house that have always been handled by my now ex-husband.  While it's been liberating, it sucks at the same time.  I've cried for what I was promised but never received, for the future I thought I would have, for the loss of dreams.  I've cried at the sheer magnitude of the challenges ahead of me raising two kids with someone, who, at times, I wish would just be swallowed up by the pavement.  I collapse into bed some nights just exhausted at playing the role of the "strong one" when really, I'm about as frail and fragile as I've ever been. Basically, I'm done with the crying and wish I could just shut it off.  But, I promised myself that I'd not allow myself to become numb to the emotions I need to experience to move from the old life into the new life, so I have to accept the tears to find the smiles again.

One year later....I'm changed.  Still the same in many ways, but more guarded, less trusting and feeling like I'm in a constant state of alert, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.   There is a lot of healing ahead of me, but, I'll get there.

Let Your Past Make You Better

It's crazy...really.  How can two people meet so randomly, fall totally in love and have such hang ups that the idea of "forever after" brings on anxieties and cold sweats.  There was a moment of truth that came out a little while ago - that one of us (or both) may never want to get remarried ever again.  At the time it was said, it made perfect sense.  Who could do even think of entering into a "forever" situation when we're still not even out of the terrible marriages that scarred us in the first place? 

But, now, I'm wondering...what if?  What if the time comes that I want that official forever after?  To be connected to someone like that again?  I mean, couples can be together for the long haul without ever having to walk down an aisle again and making vows under God that were pretty much thrown away the first go around.   What does a marriage license even guarantee?  It doesn't make the relationship any stronger or last any longer.  Yep..jaded definitely.  But...

So, I talk to one of my besties to work all this through.  When I'm having one of those overthinking insecure moments, the BFF team knows exactly what to say to make it all better...to put it all back into perspective and that's amazing to me.

I told BFF so confidently, that I was never getting married ever again and was met with a simple, "Yes, you most certainly will some day.  You weren't given a second chance at happiness to not go all the way with it." 

As we talk through stuff at the time, I'm coming off a very trippy dream where I was basically being left again under similar circumstances - cheated on, abandoned.  Stirred up so many emotions which I thought were dealt with, but obviously not.  So, me being the me we all know so well, decided, "fuck it, I'll leave before I'm left, I don't need this right now."  I felt strong saying it, felt like I was on top of the world with confidence... but, leave it to BFF to knock me down a few pegs and help me see this for what it was.  I was scared...I AM SCARED. 

I don't do vulnerable, period.  I just don't trust the world enough for that.  I put my entire being into another person and here I am 17 years later.  Trust has to be earned and sadly it's a "one step forward, two steps back" situation over nothing and everything.

BFF puts it to me simply - I'm not strong right now.  I'm probably at my weakest moment and my assertions that I'm better off alone, well, he called total 100%  bullshit on that one.  My belief that I'm better off alone, that I will leave before left, is not courage, but cowardice.  My experiences have left me bitter, not better.  I'm losing sight of the person I am, the person my friends and family know so well is hidden behind a protective wall.  So, as tears are flowing down my face, as my soulmate BFF is slapping me awake, making me face cold hard truths about myself, he continues with:

"To put your complete trust in someone, to have that faith that all will be as it should be, to accept that the happiness could end as fast as it came in...that faith in the unknown is strength and bravery of the heart."

Wow...when did he become so wise?  I'm still picturing this dude telling raunchy perverted stories and wearing Dockers with a bad haircut.  And, he keeps going:

"You'll keep on with the day by day thing, you'll love this man, this gift you've been given with your entire heart and you're going to stop waiting for the bad to happen.  The actions of another have nothing to do with this person in your life now".

For whatever reason, this helped...having this talk calmed me.  And, since then, I've been waking up every day thankful for what is in my life and falling asleep thankful for the love and joy I got to experience that day. 

--thank you God for my touchstones --

Don't Think...

not a long post this time around... but this is a sign I wish I could have flash in front of me on those crazy days/nights when I can't turn off my head~  

Perspective is Everything

When I first looked at this picture, I felt a loneliness.  This tree was all by itself, nothing around it.  The clouds were manacing and appear to have been quickly gathering, making me feel as though colder weather was coming and this tree would have to endure the winter alone.

Later, when I looked at it again, I saw defiance... mixed with pure rage.  Perhaps it was the color of the leaves?  Maybe it was the way the sky looked like it was ready to throw down?  It was like the tree was being taunted by nature and it the red leaves were a warning, saying, "Bring it, you can't take me".

Recently though, when I looked at this picture, I felt contentment and peace.  Against the cloudy sky, the tree is appears to be thriving.  It's leaves are full, it's weathered a full season, blooming in the spring, providing shade in the summer and waiting for the moment to shed it's old leaves and prepare for a fresh start in the spring again.  The foundation from which it has flourished is green and healthy.  This tree is a survivor because of the healthy support the ground gives the roots underneath the surface. 

Thinking back on the day I found this picture to the moment I decided to post this entry, I can see that I've come a long way.  The anger and loneliness I felt for so long is fading, and I'm starting to see beauty and happiness where I didn't see it before. 

I'm so thankful for the support i've recieved which have held my roots firm and for the storms I've endured which have tested my strength.  Perspective is everything!

Slaying the Dragon

It took the wisdom of one amazing woman to ask me one day, "you do know Prince Charming doesn't really exist right?" which made me realize then that if I wanted out, if I wanted to be happy, it was something I had to do by myself...I had to slay the dragon.  The dragon was my fear, my insecurity, my trepidation, the power the ex had over me.  How I chose to slay the dragon would determine how I would end up later.  All actions, all thoughts, manifest in the world around us and return to us again...I couldn't fight anger with anger, I had to do the opposite...without losing sight of the end game.

Confronting fears, realizing that the decisions I need to make are some of the toughest of my life - it's not just my life I'm changing, I have two young children to think about.  Every choice, every breath I take is for the three of us. 
I have to be strong enough to push back against the judgment, the criticism, the disapproval for what it is I need to do. I have to be strong enough to stand up for myself. I have to be strong enough to comfort them when they're scared...knowing deep down, I'm just as scared as they are.  I also have to be strong enough to be by myself, I can't be afraid to be alone.  I can't be scared of vulnerability, I need to find ways to trust what is in front of me.  I have to let go of the control I so desperately seek and realize that sometimes, a little faith is all I'll need to get from one day to the next. 

What was in the past will remain in the past...who I was isn't who I am today.  Others who come into my life will not be punished for the actions of those who have hurt me.  There is great strength in forgiveness and in acts of kindness - even to those who have hurt us. 

Once I can confidently feel in my heart that I have all the strength I need to carry on and move forward, I'll know that the dragon has been slain and can't hurt me anymore.

Lent 2012 - Sacrifice, Signs, and Strength

Ash Wednesday's church service was an eye opener in many ways.  Just when I thought I knew what it was I needed to do, I was proven wrong.  And, once this reflection came about, I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of God, that I wasn't on the right path to His forgiveness...only to be shown again, that my path isn't neccessarily wrong, but I had a lot more to learn.  Then once the sermon came to a close, I had a confirmation that I'm still on the journey I started last year and I'm not anywhere close to being finished yet.

I approached Lent last year as a way to create a stronger version of myself.  My past haunted me every day, I made mistakes and bad choices and lost sight of what was important.  I attempted to take back control of my life and did what I needed to do to gain the confidence I didn't realize I'd need a few months later.

This year, I thought, I'll do it again...I'll set up similar goals - and see what happens.  Focus on being a better mom to my kids, take better care of myself, etc.  I had it all figured out.  I felt that the other approach, the whole, "I'm going to give up chocoloate for 40 days, to end up scarfing down a chocolate bunny easter morning" was so hypocritical.  Where was the true sacrifice?  Here - reward your good efforts, celebrate the resurrection of our Lord by forgetting the entire struggle of your Lenten sacrifice in one monster bite of chocolate.  I'd thought, there has to be a better way of doing this, of showing true apprecation for the sacrifice Jesus made for our sins by becoming a better version of myself...so that the impact I made on the world around me would mean more.

But, apparently, I didn't understand it as I should have.  Pastor's sermon discussed the subject of sacrifice - even touching on the approach I was taking - saying that this was too easy.  What we needed to do was find a way to disrupt our normal lives just enough so that we'd feel true appreciation and show sincere gratitude for what we missed out on during those 40 days.  Give up something MAJOR, chances are, we'd fail in a week.  Something slight, we'd have to work on it a little harder to stay on track.  So, I chose to give up Facebook...let go of that addiction to know all that everyone was doing.  I realized that I had spent more focus on the activities of people I barely knew, and not enough on the relationships that truly matter.  I was setting myself up to test those relationships.  I also realized that I was looking for affirmation of my existence through attention, again, from the wrong people.  So...I cut myself off from that world - from the endless mindless chatter.  And, after about a week - it's been tough...I feel so cut off.  What am I missing?  And, the next question is, is what I'm missing that important in the grand scheme of things?  What's important is in front of me every day...my kids, my family (including close friends).

So, the sermon came to a close in a way I least expected it.  I can't tell you exactly what was read or said before this verse, but it struck my heart and awakened my soul:  Matthew 6:21 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  These same words, not neccessarily in this order, were said in a book I read last year, The Alchemist - Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."


And, with that final thought, I realized, I hadn't quite found either yet - my heart or the treasure.  I feel like I'm closer than I was a year ago - I've awakened the me that had been hidden for so long, I jumped when I needed to jump, and the net appeared...the journey has been hard, I have a ways to go...and I'll be waiting for more signs and omens showing me that the path I chose to take is indeed the path I need to follow. 

Out with the Old, In with the New - HELLLLOOOO 2012

Happy New Year!!! :) --- yeah, yeah...it's half way through February.  WhatEVER!  :)

Did I achieve my goals and resolutions for 2011?  I think so.
"Appreciate the happiness and joy in my life":  the smiles from my kids, the way Diesel would lay behind me in the kitchen, the quiet moments of solitude when they happened, having a job and people I enjoy working with daily for the past 13 years, the bonds of friendships I've had since childhood.  Yes, I did appreciate all the happiness when I took time to do so. 
"Embrace love when it comes to me":  this one was hard for me because every fiber of my being wouldn't allow me to be loved by the person who was trying to love me.  It didn't feel right on so many levels.  But, the love of my friends, my family - the ways people would show their appreciation of me, my time, my work to make this world a better place, I embraced that fully and it made me want to do more.
"Don't settle for less than I deserve":  this one I achieved 100%.  I ended a toxic marriage, I finally opened my eyes to a life without sadness, regret, anger.  I stood by my beliefs and my principles. 
"Material possessions are meaningless":  this one was part of the one above.  By believing in my heart that I can survive living a lifestyle much different from what I was used to, I could live a happier life.  I didn't need things...I needed to be able to breathe.

Remember my Epiphany star?  the LOVE star?  The goal of these stars which are randomly selected on the first day of Epiphany is to nurture, develop, find, strengthen, appreciate, give and recieve the message on the star.  I thought it was crazy that I randomly found the LOVE star...because at that point a year ago, LOVE was the last thing I was looking for, wanting to find or have anything to do with.  It had zero business in my life.  Funny how that changed in a year. 

So-- for 2012, what are my plans?  I'll continue showing gratitude for the gifts which are in my life.  I'll embrace love fully, learn to trust another with my heart and soul, help repair my children's fragile hearts as we work through a new way of life.  Find God wherever possible and share His love always.

:)