2:00 a.m. - that's when it hit me. I haven't had a migraine come on like this in I can't remember when. Usually I can sense it before it hits, but not this time. It actually woke me from a dead sleep. Then the thunder started -distant rumbling in the night, followed by rain hitting my roof, gently at first, becoming steady as the storm moved in. Soon it was a pounding fierce rain, lightening and more thunder... yep. Not a chance I was going to get back to sleep like that, so I just laid there and thought of all I need to do today. Back to making lists in my head, back to not being able to shut off my mind. Back to thinking thoughts that I've been working so hard to not think.
This is when my mood took a dark turn. I knew in the back of my mind that starting the day off like this would be bad - but I just didn't have it in me to make the thoughts stop. Angry, resentful, bitter... wishing so hard for the day that I could stop feeling this way.
The alarm went off way too soon - so I just kept hitting snooze until I couldn't do it anymore. Finally drug my ass out of bed, woke up the monkeys and got the day started officially. As usual, we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, but yet organized at the same time- clothes laid out, breakfast started, as they eat, i pack their lunches, get myself ready, brush our teeth, then we're out the door.
Right before we walked out, I checked my phone. Never really sure why I always check it...just a habit, sometimes just wishing that I'd have some random "i love you" sent to me by that someone who probably doesn't feel that way anymore. Nearly every time, I find nothing there... until today. A very random, "thinking of you" text attached to a beautiful morning sunrise photo from one of my dearest friends whom I haven't talked to in I don't know how long anymore. Instantly made me smile. Immediately blew the dark cloud away and made things better.
The rain has stopped, the clouds have parted...the sun is shining. Freakish coincidence? Perhaps... but, I'll cherish it all the same! He and I were always two peas in a pod...
3.21.2011
3.18.2011
Updates and Randomness
The journey during Lent continues - still trying my best to make healthier food choices and avoid the processed sugars. Drinking more water and all! I have no clue if I've lost any weight with this change, as I still have yet to buy a scale. Didn't I say I was going to do that? Yeah, that's typical of me - little details often escape me!
This week was my official start of getting back into running and it has been P-A-I-N-F-U-L! I shouldn't be so shocked that I'm this out of shape. A full year of being a depressed blob of a person tends to cause some nasty damage to the body. And, all those COOKIES!!!! I'm keeping it up though, but wish I had the time to go to a gym and take the classes I loved so much before I had kids.
My job moved office buildings this week and that's been amazing - I finally have my own office and it's brand new. New desk, new carpet, fresh pain. A real "big girl" office and I'm so happy to finally have it. It prompted me to also clean my mom car out so I could play the role of professional working mom... HA! It's amazing how much more productive I am now compared to a couple weeks ago. COULD be that I'm just that busy, but it could be the working environment.
now, about that love life that is still an issue. I thought that my head was in a better place and I knew that I was finally looking at him and our situation with a clear conscience. Nothing was clouding my judgement. And...it's sad to admit this, but he and I are still so very incompatible on just about every level. Once the big conference is over, and taxes are done, he and I will have to sit down and figure this stuff out. And, I'll know I'll be strong enough to handle it then.
The journey I'm is making me stronger! :)
3.08.2011
Let the Good Times Roll!!
I have 40 days to make myself better - mind, body and spirit. Here's the plan and I really really wish I had a bigger support group at home to help make this happen, but its clear to me I have only myself to really depend on:
*No more sodas, sugars and otherwise bad for me foods.
*Experimenting with more meal time ideas - new recipes and ways to make meals less boring and to teach my kids about diversity of food choices
*Couch to 5K - Seriously...I've been talking about running and haven't done it yet. This is the time.
*Reading a book a week to expand my mind and spirit - Alchemist is the first book
*Daily meditation/prayer to center my energy and provide focus.
I'm really hoping, after all this, I'll come out of Lent a happier, healthier person. So, as they say in Nola - Laissez les bon temps rouler!
3.07.2011
Shattered
I thought I knew what was rock solid in my life and what wasn't. I thought I knew what I could depend on, and what I couldn't. All this has changed. I'm at a redefining moment...a cross road. It's a moment to sweep away the shattered peices of me and dig deep into my soul to find myself again.
No matter what ever happened, I clung to my family as a stable source of inspiration and support. I felt safe when with them... found comfort in talking to them and felt valued when they confided in me. That's all but gone now. Miles and miles away from the people I loved most in the world and today I feel more of an outsider looking in than I ever have.
It seems so easy right now to just pull into myself and just be. No trust issues, no misunderstandings, no hurt, no pain (unless it's pain I cause myself).
I have no desire for anything else really...things that should make me ecstatically happy, don't even register a ripple of emotion. I know what this is...its a very familiar feeling all over again. And, if it wasn't for my two kids, I don't think I'd care much to even try to fix it. They're all I really have right now...probably all I'll ever have...until the day they push me away, saying I'm controlling and manipulative, lack empathy and understanding.
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