Ash Wednesday's church service was an eye opener in many ways. Just when I thought I knew what it was I needed to do, I was proven wrong. And, once this reflection came about, I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of God, that I wasn't on the right path to His forgiveness...only to be shown again, that my path isn't neccessarily wrong, but I had a lot more to learn. Then once the sermon came to a close, I had a confirmation that I'm still on the journey I started last year and I'm not anywhere close to being finished yet.
I approached Lent last year as a way to create a stronger version of myself. My past haunted me every day, I made mistakes and bad choices and lost sight of what was important. I attempted to take back control of my life and did what I needed to do to gain the confidence I didn't realize I'd need a few months later.
This year, I thought, I'll do it again...I'll set up similar goals - and see what happens. Focus on being a better mom to my kids, take better care of myself, etc. I had it all figured out. I felt that the other approach, the whole, "I'm going to give up chocoloate for 40 days, to end up scarfing down a chocolate bunny easter morning" was so hypocritical. Where was the true sacrifice? Here - reward your good efforts, celebrate the resurrection of our Lord by forgetting the entire struggle of your Lenten sacrifice in one monster bite of chocolate. I'd thought, there has to be a better way of doing this, of showing true apprecation for the sacrifice Jesus made for our sins by becoming a better version of myself...so that the impact I made on the world around me would mean more.
But, apparently, I didn't understand it as I should have. Pastor's sermon discussed the subject of sacrifice - even touching on the approach I was taking - saying that this was too easy. What we needed to do was find a way to disrupt our normal lives just enough so that we'd feel true appreciation and show sincere gratitude for what we missed out on during those 40 days. Give up something MAJOR, chances are, we'd fail in a week. Something slight, we'd have to work on it a little harder to stay on track. So, I chose to give up Facebook...let go of that addiction to know all that everyone was doing. I realized that I had spent more focus on the activities of people I barely knew, and not enough on the relationships that truly matter. I was setting myself up to test those relationships. I also realized that I was looking for affirmation of my existence through attention, again, from the wrong people. So...I cut myself off from that world - from the endless mindless chatter. And, after about a week - it's been tough...I feel so cut off. What am I missing? And, the next question is, is what I'm missing that important in the grand scheme of things? What's important is in front of me every day...my kids, my family (including close friends).
So, the sermon came to a close in a way I least expected it. I can't tell you exactly what was read or said before this verse, but it struck my heart and awakened my soul: Matthew 6:21 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. These same words, not neccessarily in this order, were said in a book I read last year, The Alchemist - Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."
And, with that final thought, I realized, I hadn't quite found either yet - my heart or the treasure. I feel like I'm closer than I was a year ago - I've awakened the me that had been hidden for so long, I jumped when I needed to jump, and the net appeared...the journey has been hard, I have a ways to go...and I'll be waiting for more signs and omens showing me that the path I chose to take is indeed the path I need to follow.
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