Valentine's Day

Last year, on Valentine's Day, I literally felt my heart break into a million peices.  I laid in my bed, after I put my kids to sleep and sobbed uncontrollably for hours.  I cried so long my eyes were swollen.  I cried so hard my face had tiny bruises around my eyes.  I cried so loud my throat hurt and I woke up my dear children.  As I let the anguish leave my body, my little ones held my hands and stroked my hair, cuddled up by me, scared to death I'm sure and I couldn't console them.  I just cried.  Why you ask?  Why not I ask you?  My marriage was shit.  I didn't love my husband at all anymore and he wouldn't give me what I needed - a break, a separation, a divorce.  I was trapped.  I sent a text to that night, before the sobbing begain, to a special person with a simple "I love you" and got NOTHING in return and it left me wounded beyond repair.  At that moment, I think I felt the most alone I had ever felt.

The part of me I had rediscovered after meeting that person- the part that learned to believe in fairy tales, hearts, flowers, kind words and poetry suddenly had zero business in my life.  Allowing this vulnerability was no longer an option - I didn't want to ever feel like this.  The risk taking in giving your heart away was more than I could bear.  I was NOT going to give my heart away ever again. I was angry, bitter, enraged and injured beyond words and so lonely that it hurt. 

Flash forward to 2011 - and yeah... still feel that way in so many ways.  But, I am coming through this... and I will be stronger for it.  I'll likely be more careful about who I share my heart with and be more mindful and responsible with the situation in which it happens. 

I know that this won't always feel like this.  Grief takes time to heal.... and it happens on it's own schedule, doesn't it?