When I found out that I was having a little boy - yes, I am that person, the one who has to know RIGHT NOW and can't wait for the actual birthday - so many worries popped into my head about how bad I could scar him for life if I wasn't a good, strong mom in raising him. I instantly had dreams of how he would turn out - he would be handsome, charming, intelligent, musical, artistic, athletic. He'd learn to cook well and also learn how to fix a car and change the oil, rotate tires and all that. His dad is a hunter, so I knew that he'd also be an outdoorsman. All of these plans for him for piano lessons and football, to nights at the Opera and weekends in the woods. I knew deep down, that my job was to turn him into the perfect man - one that would be a contributor to the world and one that would be a husband and father - a GOOD husband and father. Did I want him tough or did I want for him to be sensitive to his feelings and the feelings of others?
I held him when he wanted to be held. I watched his little face, we stared at each other while he ate, smiling at him every moment. I held him while I read to him, I talked to him about the world around him. I used manners from the day he was born - please and thank you. Firm no's and even affirmative yes's and praise. I spent less time chasing him around saying no and more time showing him what would make me say yes. As he got older, I watched how he interacted with others - from family to strangers. This little man, before he could actually form words, would make sounds that resembled the tone of "thank you" and "bless you". If you sneezed or coughed, you heard the sound from him. If you gave him something he wanted, you heard him say thank you. He would find the most unhappy person within eye sight and make them smile. He hugged willingly and loved completely.
At 7, he compliments those around him, praises those who need the pat on the back. When he plays sports and someone falls down or is hurt, he's one of the first ones to their side to help them back up. He gives all he has to make everyone around him feel wonderful without expectation that it be returned. He holds open doors, says hello to people who walk by him and takes time to ask, "How are you?" and he honestly cares for a reply.
I honestly don't know what life will be like as he gets older and life in general becomes more challenging for him. Peer pressure will impact him and I hope all I've taught him will help him make the best decisions. I hope he keeps his gentle personality and caring spirit! And most of all, I hope he continues to love the way he loves!
10.11.2010
10.08.2010
Thoughts on Prince Charming
As young girls, we're raised on fairy tales. We're taught through our bed time stories and Disney movies that Prince Charming is this devestatingly handsome young man on a striking and shiny horse. He has impeccable timing - see all the stories of how he just shows up at the right moment in time - to wake a sleeping beauty, or rescue a princess from a tower guarded by fire breathing dragons. These stories tell us to shy away from the people in dark cloaks, with warts and hunchbacks...they're the bad ones, the evil ones and all around horrible things happen when we try to be nice to them.
Good man versus Evil bad man - easy to spot, right? Now, as I read recently from another chick like me in cyber world, it's not really like this in real life is it? The good guys are not easy to spot, and the ones who are often bad for you are way too charming for their own good, right? We get caught with the wrong ones because of the charm, the attention, the sparkle in the eye, the devestating smile.
So, how do you bump into Prince Charming or be lucky enough to be found by him if you're a lonely trapped Princess or peasant girl? Seriously? I am starting to believe Prince Charming does not exist...now, if he does exist, or if you, reader, believe I am poorly mistaken and blinded by my bitterness towards "true love", please prove to me he's real. Give me examples of him in your lives or the lives of others. Make me believe the fairy tale again. I had thought I was so close to believing at one point just a year or so ago, but the dream may be gone now.
10.07.2010
Love Lessons from the Russian Cab Driver
It's been a rough road for me over the past two years, with this past year being the most gut-wrenching and lonely. I watched my marriage corrode into such a dysfunctional state and realized I had no interest or desire to mend it. I didn't like the person I was married to and really liked myself even less for who I had become and what I lost sight of within myself over the years.So, I struggled to reconnect with myself again, to distance myself from the negative and tried to embrace what was important to me so I could overcome the challenges I invited into my life.
Without meaning to, I met someone wonderful who helped me reach deep into my soul - I felt alive again, desired, wanted, loved, adored and it was amazing! And, then, for the first time in more years than I can remember my heart was broken--all of it crashed down around me and I was left shattered into a million peices. I couldn't feel a thing. I was numb to everything. Food had no taste, the words within my books were merely collections of random letters and gibberish. My energy was gone, I could barely pull myself together. Want to know what's more tragic about all this? I have two wonderful children who had to watch this happen and I'm sickened by how that may have impacted them.
Slowly though, after more nights of seemingly endless crying and brooding, I came back. I didn't realize how strong my spirit was until recently... not sure if I ever want to figure out what would kill it entirely, but for now, I'm going to venture out and say I can survive just about anything.
EXCEPT perhaps my recent ride home from the airport the other day. What a trip! I disembarked my flight, 20 minutes ahead of schedule, my suitcase was one of the first off the luggage belt, the taxi lane was empty and I was the only one in line. Then, a beautiful Ford Expedition pulls up - clean, new and ready to carry me back to my car so I can go home. Once my door closed, however, my seemingly positive mood and light hearted feelings were turned upside down.
I got to meet "Vlad" (taking creative strides to name this angel). Vlad is an older man, probably in his mid 50s and Russian. He had a LOT on his mind and he was going to make sure to share everything he knew about love with me whether I wanted to know or not. I definitely believe in fate - and there is a divine reason why I was connected with this cabbie. Vlad is bitter...after 3 marriages, countless failed relationships with girlfriends, and a daughter who doesn't like him much, of course he's angry...wouldn't you be if all the women in your life made you miserable?
What shocked me though - after hearing him rant and rave on and on about how horrible these women are, how he gives and gives and gives, he still says he believes in love...true love. That it exists. He knows this because he's seen it. Not personally in his own life mind you - see above about wives and girlfriends. Evidently, his brother has a beautiful marriage. He married young, and soon after he married, his kidneys failed. Vlad donated one of his own kidneys to his brother (great guy, right?). This young bride stuck by her husband - through the sickness, the surgeries, the recovery. The young couple attempted to open and operate their own restaurants in Russia, only to have them fail and they were broke...she would come from her job, then work at the restaurants with her husband, breaking her back to make sure they could make one a success. Through all this better or worse, sickness and health, she stood by him and never left him. To Vlad, this is what love is all about.
It's about loyalty and dedication. It's about knowing that all you put into your relationship will be returned back to you - maybe not at once, but over time. It's believing in the person you're with so much so that you cannot let them fail.
After hearing all of this, I was left thinking of my situation. I knew again, that my marriage was not the one that Vlad's brother had. I don't have that partner who believes in me so much that he won't let me fail. I also had to sit back and realize that I may be becoming bitter like Vlad. I may be unknowingly wishing for other relationships to fail because I can't have one that works. And, honestly, how is that any good? If I project bitterness towards others in loving, caring relationships (even subconsciously), then I'm only going to attract negative energy back into my life and I will NEVER be happy ever again.
So, the cab ride ended with Vlad saying he still believes in love, that all of these women are just crazy and clearly it's them, not him that is the problem. Vlad pulls my suitcase from the back of the truck and drops it next to me on the blacktop... really, I think to myself? You can't put my suitcase in my trunk for me as a gentlemanly gesture - even though I'm paying you and tipping you for this extra service? And it hits me. Vlad buddy, it's you, not them. But, thank you for the talk, for the divine intervention and for opening my eyes again!
Without meaning to, I met someone wonderful who helped me reach deep into my soul - I felt alive again, desired, wanted, loved, adored and it was amazing! And, then, for the first time in more years than I can remember my heart was broken--all of it crashed down around me and I was left shattered into a million peices. I couldn't feel a thing. I was numb to everything. Food had no taste, the words within my books were merely collections of random letters and gibberish. My energy was gone, I could barely pull myself together. Want to know what's more tragic about all this? I have two wonderful children who had to watch this happen and I'm sickened by how that may have impacted them.
Slowly though, after more nights of seemingly endless crying and brooding, I came back. I didn't realize how strong my spirit was until recently... not sure if I ever want to figure out what would kill it entirely, but for now, I'm going to venture out and say I can survive just about anything.
EXCEPT perhaps my recent ride home from the airport the other day. What a trip! I disembarked my flight, 20 minutes ahead of schedule, my suitcase was one of the first off the luggage belt, the taxi lane was empty and I was the only one in line. Then, a beautiful Ford Expedition pulls up - clean, new and ready to carry me back to my car so I can go home. Once my door closed, however, my seemingly positive mood and light hearted feelings were turned upside down.
I got to meet "Vlad" (taking creative strides to name this angel). Vlad is an older man, probably in his mid 50s and Russian. He had a LOT on his mind and he was going to make sure to share everything he knew about love with me whether I wanted to know or not. I definitely believe in fate - and there is a divine reason why I was connected with this cabbie. Vlad is bitter...after 3 marriages, countless failed relationships with girlfriends, and a daughter who doesn't like him much, of course he's angry...wouldn't you be if all the women in your life made you miserable?
What shocked me though - after hearing him rant and rave on and on about how horrible these women are, how he gives and gives and gives, he still says he believes in love...true love. That it exists. He knows this because he's seen it. Not personally in his own life mind you - see above about wives and girlfriends. Evidently, his brother has a beautiful marriage. He married young, and soon after he married, his kidneys failed. Vlad donated one of his own kidneys to his brother (great guy, right?). This young bride stuck by her husband - through the sickness, the surgeries, the recovery. The young couple attempted to open and operate their own restaurants in Russia, only to have them fail and they were broke...she would come from her job, then work at the restaurants with her husband, breaking her back to make sure they could make one a success. Through all this better or worse, sickness and health, she stood by him and never left him. To Vlad, this is what love is all about.
It's about loyalty and dedication. It's about knowing that all you put into your relationship will be returned back to you - maybe not at once, but over time. It's believing in the person you're with so much so that you cannot let them fail.
After hearing all of this, I was left thinking of my situation. I knew again, that my marriage was not the one that Vlad's brother had. I don't have that partner who believes in me so much that he won't let me fail. I also had to sit back and realize that I may be becoming bitter like Vlad. I may be unknowingly wishing for other relationships to fail because I can't have one that works. And, honestly, how is that any good? If I project bitterness towards others in loving, caring relationships (even subconsciously), then I'm only going to attract negative energy back into my life and I will NEVER be happy ever again.
So, the cab ride ended with Vlad saying he still believes in love, that all of these women are just crazy and clearly it's them, not him that is the problem. Vlad pulls my suitcase from the back of the truck and drops it next to me on the blacktop... really, I think to myself? You can't put my suitcase in my trunk for me as a gentlemanly gesture - even though I'm paying you and tipping you for this extra service? And it hits me. Vlad buddy, it's you, not them. But, thank you for the talk, for the divine intervention and for opening my eyes again!
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