When Life Comes Full Circle

Good grief -
When I started this blog, YEARS ago...like almost a decade ago, I was in a dark place.  Blogging was my therapy.  I couldn't journal, because my husband would read it.  So, I opened a vein and just let the feelings and thoughts flow.  I figured what was meant for me would find me.  And, it did. 
But, yet, it came with baggage that unpacked all over my life. 

Choices and Dragons

It was posed to me, innocently enough, as a question, "You do know there's no Prince Charming to rescue you, right?"  That question became my mantra back then, but I didn't really comprehend the power of those words until recently.

There was a period of my life when I was merely existing in a shell of myself and I grateful for the routine of my job and motherhood to get me through day by day.

I scrambled to find meaning in anything - my children, church, quotes, books, art, music, people.  I needed to belong to someone, to something so that the mere acceptance by them would give my life meaning.  It was such a struggle because everything I used as a substitution for happiness left me empty.  When the song ended, the book ended, the music ended, the people were gone, children went to sleep, I had only myself and the pain was crushing.  I could feel the ache of my heart all the way to the tips of my fingers.  I wanted to be saved.  I kept praying that someone would scoop me up, take away the hurt, provide me with comfort, shelter, security and love I so desperately needed.  And, every day, I was left with just me and me alone.

I wish I could go back and find that moment when I decided, when I consciously chose, to stop looking for happiness outside of myself.  Ever since that moment, life became a little clearer, day by day.  I wish I knew what I was doing, who I was talking to when I stopped and decided to put myself first.  I wish I knew what sparked the change.  All, I have is gratitude for that moment when the Universe brought me the clarity I so desperately needed, to decide one path over another.   Because, life, is about choice.  Everything, every moment is a choice between positive and negative, right versus wrong, love over ambivalence.

When anything but love is selected, then the energy of that choice manifests in our relationships and in our health.  We remain unsettled, unhappy, conflicted and those feelings tear at our physical being.  The doubt and uncertainty create a magnet for only seeing devastation and negativity, and carrying on with less than ideal behaviors as temporary highs to provide us what we think is happiness and love.  We can't see the possibility of something better.  We eventually lose faith in ourselves and stumble back into the abyss when the high wears off, or suddenly goes away.

Every positive choice we make, when we chose to love ourselves more, builds and attracts more of the same to us.  We gain confidence in our choices.  We see the world differently and no matter how uncertain the situation in front of us, our positive frequency allows us to remain hopeful and present...there is no doubt, no uncertainty.  We know because our entire being and vibration allows us to know we're at harmony with the love around us.

This picture I attached - the dragon is every bad decision and unhealthy relationship.  It's impossible to slay a dragon, dragons don't die.  They feed off our negative emotions and choices and grow in strength and size.  But, when we begin to love ourselves more, choosing to heal our hearts, make stronger choices, we shrink the dragon to a size that can render it harmless against us.  It remains with us, each day, waiting for a morsel of something to feed it.  But, the choice is ours.

At the end of the day - are our choices feeding or taming the dragon?

Four Decades

My 40th birthday is in 4 days and I'm reflecting on four decades.

In 40 years, I became a big sister ...4 times.  I've lived in 4 states.  I lived in another country.  I've traveled to numerous countries and across the US.  I made lifelong friends and lost track of others.  I watched my family fall apart - watched my mother struggle with alcoholism and my father battle mental illness and the effect of PTSD.  I dated different guys, met one whom I married.  Had 2 children, divorced, met the love of my life and realized that I won't be married again.

I've made amazing choices...I've made devastatingly terrible decisions.

And, now...I'm wondering where I want things to go.  How do I want the rest of my life to go?  What do I want to leave as my legacy?

Where is this Going?

I named this picture when I saved it originally as "where is this going?"   Something about the path in the woods and not seeing the beginning or the end of the journey.

This is sort of where I am right now...enjoying what's in front of me, day by day...but wanting so badly to know where the road is taking me.  

For 2015, my epiphany star to follow is CONTENTMENT.  I think for years now, I've been so focused on what's at the end of the path that I'm failing to see, feel, touch, and embrace each moment of the journey.   I've failed to feel the moments of gratitude...

This journey since 2010 has been one of pure faith -  I had to take a step without any idea of how it was going to turn out, and hoped that when I took that first step, the stairway would appear before me.  Every bit of the way has been a blind walk on an entirely new, unpredictable path.  It's exhausting sometimes - not knowing what's actually going to happen.  Just knowing deep down that how life is now is a lot better than it was.  That's all I can cling to day by day - that today is better than yesterday, and resting my head at night with the intention that tomorrow will be better than today.






It took an Earthquake

It's Easter Monday - April 21, 2014...In Easter service yesterday, our Pastor gave a sermon about earthquakes.  When Jesus died, there was a great earthquake, when the Angel appeared, and life was forever changed.  Christianity was born, people saw the power of God and realized everything they had been told in prophecies had come true.  Pastor then talked about the earthquake in 2011.  It was a strong earthquake, but there were no deaths or injuries.  We were all changed,  by the forces of nature that day.  He then discussed the many ways angels visit all of us in our lives - the many "earthquakes" we've experienced which changed our lives.  They're there in the birth of our children, in marriage proposals, in new job offers, the people we encounter who become new friends, the strangers we help...these are the small earthquakes, which change us, but don't turn our world upside down in a bad way.  Then, we have the earthquakes which are devastating - deaths, divorce, abandonment and loss -the moments which leave us raw, bruised, numb and require us to rebuild from the ashes of dust and destruction.

I thought about what he was saying and remembered all my earthquake moments - all of them flooded my memory and some I had forgotten about until the sermon.  One moment especially came back to me...and it happened when the earthquake hit DC - August 23, 2011.

Before the earthquake, I had separated from my husband, and started living on my own, with two kids, navigating life as a single mom.  I had also someone someone new days before the quake hit.  Then, that afternoon on August 23, once the ground stopped shaking and I realized what just happened, I sent him a text - very casual - saying, "think we just had an earthquake here".  Every phone line was tied up, so trying to get a call to my kids wasn't easy.  I was finally able to get a call through to my kids to make sure they were alright and once I calmed their nerves, I got off the phone to get back to work.  I checked my phone and I had a text from the "new" guy asking if I was ok.  He's a police officer in DC, and that day, after an earthquake, he stopped to check on me, when the city was alive with panic.  He barely knew me, hadn't actually met me in person yet, but thought enough to see if how I was.   Guess who didn't call or text right away?  Yeah, you guessed it.  The soon to be ex hubby at the time claimed I was the only person in the world he cared about and loved so much, and was trying to win me back, but yet, I wasn't one of the first people he called or texted.  That moment made me remember that actions speak louder than words...and it opened my eyes even more to the harsh reality that was my ending marriage.  It was a moment like this one that kept me focused on the fact that divorcing this man was the best thing I could do for myself and for my kids.   It was a true earthquake moment.... and I'm glad it happened.  That amazing, person and I went on our first date on Aug 24, 2011, and we've been inseparable ever since.  :)

What Scares Me the Most

I read something the other day about writing down things for your children - things about yourself, your life, your wisdom, your stories....anything to pass on to them as they get older so they can learn who you really are.  That you're more than just a "mom"...you're a person with the world of experience to share. 
In explaining this project, the author provided a long list of things to write about and the first one was a random list of 20 things about yourself... I already did this on this blog :)  Next on the list was a list of three legitimate fears and why...so here we go:

1.) Spiders... no brainer...legitimately scared of them and I wish I could figure out how it started.   Think it has to do with them being sneaky...they can be anywhere at any time.  Move a piece of paper...BOOM...spider.  Walk outside your door, and walk into a web... and the list goes on and on.

2.) Failure...in all forms.  I've failed at so many things so far in life and hope that I've learned something along the way to keep the same failure from happening again.  Failure to me means I was careless somewhere along the way - I didn't prepare enough, I didn't pay attention.  It's a lack of something that I should have controlled better.

3.) Abandonment and loneliness - I need to feel needed and appreciated.  I live for being wanted.  My first instinct is to protect and care for another person.  My biggest fear is that no one will love or care for me that same way.  That I'm not going to be important enough and something or someone else will take them away and I'll be left alone.  I've been left before - by parents, by my husband, by my brother - people who meant the world to me and shouldn't ever leave me while they're still living.  Trusting that another person won't do that to me when the most important people in my world already did it...it's nearly impossible. 

I need to believe love can last

I strongly believe in fidelity - loyalty in a relationship is the end all be all.  Being true and remaining true is what gives the relationship the security it needs to grow and endure all the trials along the way.  If you know me, you know I'm a HUGE fan of security.  I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person is there and staying there to really feel comfortable enough to let down my guard. 

But, with all I've been through, I'm left wondering now, what does it all really mean?  Something happened somewhere that has marriages and relationships ending, fewer people seem to care about working things out, helping the other half reach their goals and dreams to truly navigate the "better or worse".  And, being faithful...what's up with that?  That scares the hell out of me that people are so easily ready to throw it away for something that doesn't pan out anyway.  All because the sparkly, new and shiny feelings have gone away and they mistake it for a "lull" or a lack of love. 

I took the promise of forever for granted once before.  By the time I entered marriage, the new and shiny had already moved to comfortable.  Comfortable turned to complacency, which then led us to finding other things to fill the emotional void...which in hindsight may have always been there, silently waiting for the right time to grow into resentment and anger.  So, I'm hypersensitive to it now. 

What I don't want to happen is to be taken for granted again - so, what can a person do to keep that from happening again?  

Letting the Water Take Over my Thoughts

There are places I go sometimes to help clear my thoughts and to find my center and the most perfect place is sitting on a beach, to watch the tide come in and then leave.

Each time a wave comes in, I tell it my story, and it takes the anger, frustration, doubt back to the ocean, where it disappears into the deep blue.  By the time the tide goes out, my heart is lighter, my head clearer and the world around me brighter.

Life is a constant renewal - and the Universe finds ways to cleanse our souls if we're ready to let go of the negative so that the positive has room to grow. 


Letter to the Ex-Wife...the Crusher of Dreams

Dear You,
We've never met, you and I.  We know of each other, we've seen pictures, we've heard stories.  In a different place, maybe we'd be friends, since obviously we share something in common.  Something about us both made the same man fall in love with us.  Only difference is that he stopped loving you, which led to him falling in love with me.

This man is every dream come true for me...he was probably your dream come true as well.  Every day, each moment spent with him makes me smile, even the simplest moments...washing dishes, folding laundry, times that are often taken for granted, I'm grateful for them.  The touch of his hand on mine while we watch tv makes my heart skip a beat.  I live for his laugh and his smile and I can't imagine there would be anything I wouldn't do for him.   And, the idea of ever hurting him?  Never...in a million years.

Seeing you in pictures with him turns my stomach, because I know I'll never have what you had with him.  I can see him happy with you.  He chose to marry you, even with the challenges, the disagreements, the moments when you'd wear him down.  He still chose you.   And, you just didn't know what you had by having him.  And you lost him.  Which led to him finding me.

I have to be grateful for you coming into his life, because, if you hadn't, I never would have met him.  But, yet, thanks to you, I have a version of him that isn't as trusting as the person he was with you - which sucks, because I'm sure that version of him was 1000 times more amazing than the version I have (which is still pretty amazing).  I have the man who's approaching life with more caution, the man waiting for the shoe to drop, hiding behind a wall that lets me be only so close, but not as close as you were with him.  With you he saw a new start, a second chance...with me, well...let's just say, I'll only get so close...he has another new start, but all your promises were broken, so mine mean nothing.  He gave you his last name and you took him for granted.  I appreciate everything about him in my life, love him unconditionally, but thanks to you, marrying me someday is off the table. 

I'm supposedly his perfect fit, I make him completely happy.  I take care of him, I love his children like my own.  But, it will never be enough to get passed that wall of doubt he created because of you.  And, that breaks my heart...which I figure is exactly what you'd want.  You've hurt him...and making sure he never finds true complete happiness ever again is exactly what you'd wish on him, because that's the woman you are, a true dream crusher.

Christmas, Wishes and Dreams

Long before life made me bitter and jaded, I dreamt of the "perfect" wedding.   I think every girl does this and often it's at some dreamy stage in her life when it's all rainbows, butterflies, castles and Prince Charming.   There's never really anyone else involved in this plan - just a girl, a magazine and ideas of how her life is supposed to turn out following one magical moment in time in her distant future.
 

I had it in my head that I would have a Christmas wedding.  Naturally, the world is in a happier frame of mind during the holidays - Gifts, food, family, sparkle - its truly magical, so adding a fairy tale wedding right in the middle of all the festivities just made sense in some deep part of my soul. 

My dress would be classic - white satin, long train, even longer lace veil trailing from the perfect sparkling tiara.  My bridesmaids would wear simple black dresses, holding white fur hand muffs, adorned with deep red flowers, dark green foliage and dotted with stephanotis and crystals.  My future husband-to-be and his entourage would wear morning suits of course, with boutonnieres to match my flowing bouquet.  The church would be awash in candle light, with lines of ficus trees dripping in white twinkle lights.  As my guests enter, making their way to their seats, an orchestra would be playing music as festive as the season and the occasion...building up to the moment when I enter the church, with all my hopes and dreams ready to share with the one person placed on this earth to help me realize them.  The party that followed the vows would of course be amazing...every detail was planned out perfectly, without the aid of Pinterest.

Because I missed my family and was longing for tradition, I had begged and begged to visit the National Christmas tree for years after I had moved out of my parents house.  One year, out of the blue, I was asked to go to dinner and visit the National Christmas Tree by the White House, which led to a marriage proposal that I truly wasn't expecting.  I was engaged only days before Christmas and it seemed as though the path I wanted to be on was unfolding in front of me - some of the journey had changed along the way, but, it appeared that this was where I was supposed to be.  Someone wanted to marry me...someone I had been with for what seemed like forever, so it was a natural next step.  That's how its supposed to be right? 

I began a life of what I believed was what marriage was supposed to be about the day we started planning the wedding.  It's not about one person's dream or desires, but what both people would want to make the other person happy.  So, I let go of one of my very first dreams, conceded to a spring wedding, which then set in motion a cycle that turned out not to be about compromise, but something lonely and one-sided.  And ultimately, the marriage ended - we weren't on the same journey, we weren't walking together and I finally had to stop the ride to get off before it killed me.

The Universe made the signs so obvious to me a year ago...I was truly in tune with what I desired most in my life.  I don't think it could have been more obvious that I needed to recreate the life I always wanted and deserved, to bring my dreams within my reach again.

Realizing that I lost this dream recently made me aware that I stopped listening to my soul, my heart, my inner voice even though so much was screaming at me to listen.  So, when I am confronted with  those life defining moments that will in all ways change my life; when I'm at a crossroads, what will I decide?  Will I choose Christmas?

 





The Story of a Year in the Life of....

A year ago, I had a much different life than I have today.  I had a marriage, I was the "typical" working mom with a house, dog, and family.  I had stability.  I had security.  I also had accepted that life was as good as it was going to get.  I was embracing the philosophy that some marriages just aren't perfect.  The fairy tales, the fluff, the romantic comedies, soul mates...all made up.  Life didn't work that way and the sooner I let that go, the better for all.

Funny how a single moment in time opened my eyes and my heart to a fresh way of thinking.  I stopped accepting mediocre.  I stopped looking the other way when obvious signs and symptoms of a bad marriage were right in my face.  I woke up...and took control back of my life.

It's been a journey and it's not over...I don't think it will ever fully be over.  Divorce changes the marital status between two people, but when you have kids, you never really get rid of each other.  Someday I'll stop letting things he says and does bother me.  I'll have that armor of thick skin to protect me from the comments, the insults, the jabs, and the dirty looks.

I've been tested over and over this year - finding new love, navigating life as a single mom and trying to raise the kids in a positive and loving environment, learning how to do the chores around the house that have always been handled by my now ex-husband.  While it's been liberating, it sucks at the same time.  I've cried for what I was promised but never received, for the future I thought I would have, for the loss of dreams.  I've cried at the sheer magnitude of the challenges ahead of me raising two kids with someone, who, at times, I wish would just be swallowed up by the pavement.  I collapse into bed some nights just exhausted at playing the role of the "strong one" when really, I'm about as frail and fragile as I've ever been. Basically, I'm done with the crying and wish I could just shut it off.  But, I promised myself that I'd not allow myself to become numb to the emotions I need to experience to move from the old life into the new life, so I have to accept the tears to find the smiles again.

One year later....I'm changed.  Still the same in many ways, but more guarded, less trusting and feeling like I'm in a constant state of alert, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.   There is a lot of healing ahead of me, but, I'll get there.

Let Your Past Make You Better

It's crazy...really.  How can two people meet so randomly, fall totally in love and have such hang ups that the idea of "forever after" brings on anxieties and cold sweats.  There was a moment of truth that came out a little while ago - that one of us (or both) may never want to get remarried ever again.  At the time it was said, it made perfect sense.  Who could do even think of entering into a "forever" situation when we're still not even out of the terrible marriages that scarred us in the first place? 

But, now, I'm wondering...what if?  What if the time comes that I want that official forever after?  To be connected to someone like that again?  I mean, couples can be together for the long haul without ever having to walk down an aisle again and making vows under God that were pretty much thrown away the first go around.   What does a marriage license even guarantee?  It doesn't make the relationship any stronger or last any longer.  Yep..jaded definitely.  But...

So, I talk to one of my besties to work all this through.  When I'm having one of those overthinking insecure moments, the BFF team knows exactly what to say to make it all better...to put it all back into perspective and that's amazing to me.

I told BFF so confidently, that I was never getting married ever again and was met with a simple, "Yes, you most certainly will some day.  You weren't given a second chance at happiness to not go all the way with it." 

As we talk through stuff at the time, I'm coming off a very trippy dream where I was basically being left again under similar circumstances - cheated on, abandoned.  Stirred up so many emotions which I thought were dealt with, but obviously not.  So, me being the me we all know so well, decided, "fuck it, I'll leave before I'm left, I don't need this right now."  I felt strong saying it, felt like I was on top of the world with confidence... but, leave it to BFF to knock me down a few pegs and help me see this for what it was.  I was scared...I AM SCARED. 

I don't do vulnerable, period.  I just don't trust the world enough for that.  I put my entire being into another person and here I am 17 years later.  Trust has to be earned and sadly it's a "one step forward, two steps back" situation over nothing and everything.

BFF puts it to me simply - I'm not strong right now.  I'm probably at my weakest moment and my assertions that I'm better off alone, well, he called total 100%  bullshit on that one.  My belief that I'm better off alone, that I will leave before left, is not courage, but cowardice.  My experiences have left me bitter, not better.  I'm losing sight of the person I am, the person my friends and family know so well is hidden behind a protective wall.  So, as tears are flowing down my face, as my soulmate BFF is slapping me awake, making me face cold hard truths about myself, he continues with:

"To put your complete trust in someone, to have that faith that all will be as it should be, to accept that the happiness could end as fast as it came in...that faith in the unknown is strength and bravery of the heart."

Wow...when did he become so wise?  I'm still picturing this dude telling raunchy perverted stories and wearing Dockers with a bad haircut.  And, he keeps going:

"You'll keep on with the day by day thing, you'll love this man, this gift you've been given with your entire heart and you're going to stop waiting for the bad to happen.  The actions of another have nothing to do with this person in your life now".

For whatever reason, this helped...having this talk calmed me.  And, since then, I've been waking up every day thankful for what is in my life and falling asleep thankful for the love and joy I got to experience that day. 

--thank you God for my touchstones --

Don't Think...

not a long post this time around... but this is a sign I wish I could have flash in front of me on those crazy days/nights when I can't turn off my head~  

Perspective is Everything

When I first looked at this picture, I felt a loneliness.  This tree was all by itself, nothing around it.  The clouds were manacing and appear to have been quickly gathering, making me feel as though colder weather was coming and this tree would have to endure the winter alone.

Later, when I looked at it again, I saw defiance... mixed with pure rage.  Perhaps it was the color of the leaves?  Maybe it was the way the sky looked like it was ready to throw down?  It was like the tree was being taunted by nature and it the red leaves were a warning, saying, "Bring it, you can't take me".

Recently though, when I looked at this picture, I felt contentment and peace.  Against the cloudy sky, the tree is appears to be thriving.  It's leaves are full, it's weathered a full season, blooming in the spring, providing shade in the summer and waiting for the moment to shed it's old leaves and prepare for a fresh start in the spring again.  The foundation from which it has flourished is green and healthy.  This tree is a survivor because of the healthy support the ground gives the roots underneath the surface. 

Thinking back on the day I found this picture to the moment I decided to post this entry, I can see that I've come a long way.  The anger and loneliness I felt for so long is fading, and I'm starting to see beauty and happiness where I didn't see it before. 

I'm so thankful for the support i've recieved which have held my roots firm and for the storms I've endured which have tested my strength.  Perspective is everything!

Slaying the Dragon

It took the wisdom of one amazing woman to ask me one day, "you do know Prince Charming doesn't really exist right?" which made me realize then that if I wanted out, if I wanted to be happy, it was something I had to do by myself...I had to slay the dragon.  The dragon was my fear, my insecurity, my trepidation, the power the ex had over me.  How I chose to slay the dragon would determine how I would end up later.  All actions, all thoughts, manifest in the world around us and return to us again...I couldn't fight anger with anger, I had to do the opposite...without losing sight of the end game.

Confronting fears, realizing that the decisions I need to make are some of the toughest of my life - it's not just my life I'm changing, I have two young children to think about.  Every choice, every breath I take is for the three of us. 
I have to be strong enough to push back against the judgment, the criticism, the disapproval for what it is I need to do. I have to be strong enough to stand up for myself. I have to be strong enough to comfort them when they're scared...knowing deep down, I'm just as scared as they are.  I also have to be strong enough to be by myself, I can't be afraid to be alone.  I can't be scared of vulnerability, I need to find ways to trust what is in front of me.  I have to let go of the control I so desperately seek and realize that sometimes, a little faith is all I'll need to get from one day to the next. 

What was in the past will remain in the past...who I was isn't who I am today.  Others who come into my life will not be punished for the actions of those who have hurt me.  There is great strength in forgiveness and in acts of kindness - even to those who have hurt us. 

Once I can confidently feel in my heart that I have all the strength I need to carry on and move forward, I'll know that the dragon has been slain and can't hurt me anymore.

Lent 2012 - Sacrifice, Signs, and Strength

Ash Wednesday's church service was an eye opener in many ways.  Just when I thought I knew what it was I needed to do, I was proven wrong.  And, once this reflection came about, I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of God, that I wasn't on the right path to His forgiveness...only to be shown again, that my path isn't neccessarily wrong, but I had a lot more to learn.  Then once the sermon came to a close, I had a confirmation that I'm still on the journey I started last year and I'm not anywhere close to being finished yet.

I approached Lent last year as a way to create a stronger version of myself.  My past haunted me every day, I made mistakes and bad choices and lost sight of what was important.  I attempted to take back control of my life and did what I needed to do to gain the confidence I didn't realize I'd need a few months later.

This year, I thought, I'll do it again...I'll set up similar goals - and see what happens.  Focus on being a better mom to my kids, take better care of myself, etc.  I had it all figured out.  I felt that the other approach, the whole, "I'm going to give up chocoloate for 40 days, to end up scarfing down a chocolate bunny easter morning" was so hypocritical.  Where was the true sacrifice?  Here - reward your good efforts, celebrate the resurrection of our Lord by forgetting the entire struggle of your Lenten sacrifice in one monster bite of chocolate.  I'd thought, there has to be a better way of doing this, of showing true apprecation for the sacrifice Jesus made for our sins by becoming a better version of myself...so that the impact I made on the world around me would mean more.

But, apparently, I didn't understand it as I should have.  Pastor's sermon discussed the subject of sacrifice - even touching on the approach I was taking - saying that this was too easy.  What we needed to do was find a way to disrupt our normal lives just enough so that we'd feel true appreciation and show sincere gratitude for what we missed out on during those 40 days.  Give up something MAJOR, chances are, we'd fail in a week.  Something slight, we'd have to work on it a little harder to stay on track.  So, I chose to give up Facebook...let go of that addiction to know all that everyone was doing.  I realized that I had spent more focus on the activities of people I barely knew, and not enough on the relationships that truly matter.  I was setting myself up to test those relationships.  I also realized that I was looking for affirmation of my existence through attention, again, from the wrong people.  So...I cut myself off from that world - from the endless mindless chatter.  And, after about a week - it's been tough...I feel so cut off.  What am I missing?  And, the next question is, is what I'm missing that important in the grand scheme of things?  What's important is in front of me every day...my kids, my family (including close friends).

So, the sermon came to a close in a way I least expected it.  I can't tell you exactly what was read or said before this verse, but it struck my heart and awakened my soul:  Matthew 6:21 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  These same words, not neccessarily in this order, were said in a book I read last year, The Alchemist - Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."


And, with that final thought, I realized, I hadn't quite found either yet - my heart or the treasure.  I feel like I'm closer than I was a year ago - I've awakened the me that had been hidden for so long, I jumped when I needed to jump, and the net appeared...the journey has been hard, I have a ways to go...and I'll be waiting for more signs and omens showing me that the path I chose to take is indeed the path I need to follow. 

Out with the Old, In with the New - HELLLLOOOO 2012

Happy New Year!!! :) --- yeah, yeah...it's half way through February.  WhatEVER!  :)

Did I achieve my goals and resolutions for 2011?  I think so.
"Appreciate the happiness and joy in my life":  the smiles from my kids, the way Diesel would lay behind me in the kitchen, the quiet moments of solitude when they happened, having a job and people I enjoy working with daily for the past 13 years, the bonds of friendships I've had since childhood.  Yes, I did appreciate all the happiness when I took time to do so. 
"Embrace love when it comes to me":  this one was hard for me because every fiber of my being wouldn't allow me to be loved by the person who was trying to love me.  It didn't feel right on so many levels.  But, the love of my friends, my family - the ways people would show their appreciation of me, my time, my work to make this world a better place, I embraced that fully and it made me want to do more.
"Don't settle for less than I deserve":  this one I achieved 100%.  I ended a toxic marriage, I finally opened my eyes to a life without sadness, regret, anger.  I stood by my beliefs and my principles. 
"Material possessions are meaningless":  this one was part of the one above.  By believing in my heart that I can survive living a lifestyle much different from what I was used to, I could live a happier life.  I didn't need things...I needed to be able to breathe.

Remember my Epiphany star?  the LOVE star?  The goal of these stars which are randomly selected on the first day of Epiphany is to nurture, develop, find, strengthen, appreciate, give and recieve the message on the star.  I thought it was crazy that I randomly found the LOVE star...because at that point a year ago, LOVE was the last thing I was looking for, wanting to find or have anything to do with.  It had zero business in my life.  Funny how that changed in a year. 

So-- for 2012, what are my plans?  I'll continue showing gratitude for the gifts which are in my life.  I'll embrace love fully, learn to trust another with my heart and soul, help repair my children's fragile hearts as we work through a new way of life.  Find God wherever possible and share His love always.

:)

Attracting What You Need, Just When You Need It

Every now and then, something happens that makes me believe in the laws of attraction. I'll forget for a little while...going about my day to day life, not paying any attention to the energy I'm giving off, to the thoughts manifesting in my mind, to the wishes, the dreams, the signs that are around all the time.

For years, I was unhappy in my relationship...YEARS!!!  I buried the feelings so deep and gave every attempt to make myself happy in the situation I was in.  I felt so strongly that I could make it work, I could easily jam a square peg in a round hole.  There is a line in Jerry Maguire that would echo through my head, "I can make this work".  And, over and over people would tell me, that relationships are work, marriage requires work.  So, to me, all this struggle was normal.  It was supposed to be like that...no one is 100% happy in a marriage.  No one is a perfect fit for another person.  It just doesn't work that way...or does it?

I found a letter that my ex-husband wrote to me when we were dating.  I want to guess that it was from 13 years ago, when we were struggling through our relationship.  We must have had another fight and apparently, according to the letter, I said I wasn't happy.  In the letter, my ex defended his actions, addressed the inadequacies in our relationship and promised to be all I needed him to be.  He wasn't affectionate, he didn't say he loved me, he kept me from friends because he was scared I'd leave him if I got too happy with them, he also kept me from my family as a way to protect me from disappointments they often left me with.  All the promises and14 years later, that they never actually changed.  I overlooked it, thought I was being greedy in my expectations, settled into a way of life that was just enough, but yet so not enough in the end to allow us to be strong enough to endure all the trials our marriage went through. 

All I wanted out of my ex-husband, I've discovered in another without really looking for it.  I found someone comfortable with showing love, hand holding, kisses and kindness.  He's embraced my family, cares about my children, isn't threatened by friendships I've had since childhood.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm certain that every day, I'll be grateful to have had him walk into my life at just the perfect moment.  I'll thank God for the second chance at happiness and I'll continue to keep my heart open for all the possibilities.

You're my person

I love how safe you make me feel when I'm with you.  I love that you open doors and give kisses so easily.  I love that you understand how easy it is to speed down an open highway.  I love that you love ketchup.  I love that you love Christmas and will decorate the tree.  I love that you love my cooking.  I love that you will watch Greys Anatomy with me and try to keep up...and I love watching Walking Dead with you because I know you get excited about it. I love watching you with your kids and seeing the love they have for you on their faces.  I love your playful side, I love your messages to me.  I love your smile, I love your eyes, and I love how just sitting on the couch watching tv can be one of the most exciting moments of my day with you.  I love how we sleep together and how solidly I do sleep when you're lying next to me with your arms wrapped all around me, holding my hand in the dark. I love the sound of your voice on the phone after a long day of not talking to you.  I love the smell of your skin after not seeing you for days.I love that we both have similar ways of thinking about such important things as raising kids and prioritizing our lives.

Most of all, I love looking forward to our future...I really don't know if you'll ever understand how much you mean to me after only two months of having you in my life or how I can't imagine a moment without you going forward.


Thank you for finally finding me...it sure did take you long enough :) I LOVE YOU
 

 

Are you a Dad or a Donor?

There is a theory that suggests that men fall into two categories - those that father children and those that raise children.  One is a constant in life's journey, the other...not so much. 

so...which will the father of my kids be in their lives??