A year ago, I had a much different life than I have today. I had a marriage, I was the "typical" working mom with a house, dog, and family. I had stability. I had security. I also had accepted that life was as good as it was going to get. I was embracing the philosophy that some marriages just aren't perfect. The fairy tales, the fluff, the romantic comedies, soul mates...all made up. Life didn't work that way and the sooner I let that go, the better for all.
Funny how a single moment in time opened my eyes and my heart to a fresh way of thinking. I stopped accepting mediocre. I stopped looking the other way when obvious signs and symptoms of a bad marriage were right in my face. I woke up...and took control back of my life.
It's been a journey and it's not over...I don't think it will ever fully be over. Divorce changes the marital status between two people, but when you have kids, you never really get rid of each other. Someday I'll stop letting things he says and does bother me. I'll have that armor of thick skin to protect me from the comments, the insults, the jabs, and the dirty looks.
I've been tested over and over this year - finding new love, navigating life as a single mom and trying to raise the kids in a positive and loving environment, learning how to do the chores around the house that have always been handled by my now ex-husband. While it's been liberating, it sucks at the same time. I've cried for what I was promised but never received, for the future I thought I would have, for the loss of dreams. I've cried at the sheer magnitude of the challenges ahead of me raising two kids with someone, who, at times, I wish would just be swallowed up by the pavement. I collapse into bed some nights just exhausted at playing the role of the "strong one" when really, I'm about as frail and fragile as I've ever been. Basically, I'm done with the crying and wish I could just shut it off. But, I promised myself that I'd not allow myself to become numb to the emotions I need to experience to move from the old life into the new life, so I have to accept the tears to find the smiles again.
One year later....I'm changed. Still the same in many ways, but more guarded, less trusting and feeling like I'm in a constant state of alert, waiting for the next bad thing to happen. There is a lot of healing ahead of me, but, I'll get there.
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