Showing posts with label lost love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lost love. Show all posts

3.02.2012

Perspective is Everything

When I first looked at this picture, I felt a loneliness.  This tree was all by itself, nothing around it.  The clouds were manacing and appear to have been quickly gathering, making me feel as though colder weather was coming and this tree would have to endure the winter alone.

Later, when I looked at it again, I saw defiance... mixed with pure rage.  Perhaps it was the color of the leaves?  Maybe it was the way the sky looked like it was ready to throw down?  It was like the tree was being taunted by nature and it the red leaves were a warning, saying, "Bring it, you can't take me".

Recently though, when I looked at this picture, I felt contentment and peace.  Against the cloudy sky, the tree is appears to be thriving.  It's leaves are full, it's weathered a full season, blooming in the spring, providing shade in the summer and waiting for the moment to shed it's old leaves and prepare for a fresh start in the spring again.  The foundation from which it has flourished is green and healthy.  This tree is a survivor because of the healthy support the ground gives the roots underneath the surface. 

Thinking back on the day I found this picture to the moment I decided to post this entry, I can see that I've come a long way.  The anger and loneliness I felt for so long is fading, and I'm starting to see beauty and happiness where I didn't see it before. 

I'm so thankful for the support i've recieved which have held my roots firm and for the storms I've endured which have tested my strength.  Perspective is everything!

5.25.2011

Bridges and Trust


My awesome friend has an amazing husband who has a talented camera eye. She affectionately calls him her Mon'Kee...and this photo was taken by him. He has his own blog and I plan to feature his photos which inspire me to write....such as this one:  "Footbridge at Occoquan"
 When i saw this picture my first thought was, "what is on the other side of that bridge?" Just staring down the path in the picture, it has this tunnel vision effect- you can't see what's below it or on either side of it. Can't really even see the path on the other end, all you see are thick trees with no clue what else is out there beyond what the eye sees.  Taking that first step to cross that bridge would take an act of strength and faith.  Would the bridge remain steady and true?  Would the view as you crossed it be beautiful and breathtaking, making you think, "wow, if I hadn't started to cross, i would have missed this!"  And, once on the other side, would the path take me someplace amazing?  What's behind me and do I want to look back or just take that first step?

Anyone who truly knows me knows I have a fear of bridges.  Not all bridges mind you...just the scary ones.  :) There are places in the world where a simple bridge connects a remote village to civilization.  There are bridges which traverse swollen white water rapids which couldn't be crossed otherwise.  Bridges like these are neccessary to the survival of the people who need to use them.  These bridges cross insurmountable obstacles that a simple person may not be able to cross on their own. 

All in all, they fulfill a higher purpose....so what's my deal?

**rope bridges will probably never be crossed by me unless my life undoubtly depended on it.  I don't trust them, they're flimsy, no support...moments away from falling apart in my mind.  Not dependable and unreliable.
**old railway tressle bridges - yes, they were constructed to support trains crossing them over and over again, but for me to cross it?  forget about it.  The potential to trip, slip and fall through the tressle paralyzes me with fear.  There is a bridge in Maine that I was asked to walk across...think I got about 6 feet across, stopped, got on my hands and knees, cried and crawled back to the safety of the road.  I don't like the idea that if I have a clumsy moment, the bridge under my feet may disappear when I need it most.
**two lane bridges over water with only a jersey wall and no shoulder to pull off on...seriously?  Total devestating disaster is written all over this bridge.  All it takes is someone in the other lane, traveling way too fast...the head on collision or the swerve into (or through) the jersey wall would be the end of me.  Someone else's mistake and the bridge not offering any support or safety net or protection from a life altering mistake.

For me to be able to travel a bridge - footbridge or vehicle bridge, it needs to be sturdy, dependable, stable, with a place to pull to the side for a breather if neccessary.  It needs to make me feel confident, secure, safe... kind of what I expect out of people who come into my life.  So, my inability to cross a bridge is a testimony to my insecurities in things I can't control.  I don't trust what I don't know... making huge strides to change my life will take a strong, dependable, safe bridge to support me as I cross from one side to the other.

10.12.2010

Oh Patsy... Why did you leave so soon?

Sweet dreams of you
Every night I go through
Why can't I forget you and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

You don't love me, it's plain
I should know I'll never wear your ring
I should hate you the whole night through
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Sweet dreams of you
Things I know can't come true
Why can't I forget the past, start loving someone new
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Wow, could Patsy Kline nail my emotions in one song or what?  I had downloaded this song a LONG time ago, and not entirely remembering what sparked it beyond wanting to have some really old country songs on my iPod.  And, looking back, I never imagined that the lyrics would fit my universal shift so perfectly. 
 
My head keeps telling me what I need to do...how things aren't what I had thought they were and to pursue something further is only going to lead to something worse for me down the road.  Yes, that pretty much opened up the wound in my heart and the salt shaker that is my mind just dumped away.  Felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't think...actually felt physically ill. 
 
But, you know what?  I am starting to trust my gut a little more each day.  I'm looking for those signs - the apparent, in my face signs (like someone choosing to not talk to me anymore) and the not so apparent that I'll figure out as I go.  It was all about the signs 2 years ago, so I need to stop, look and listen again.  Some call it God talking to me, others call it the Universe...whatever it is, I'm hearing it louder as I go along and it's getting MUCH harder to drown it out. 
 
Time for new dreams.........and to keep trusting that I'm doing the right thing.