Attracting What You Need, Just When You Need It

Every now and then, something happens that makes me believe in the laws of attraction. I'll forget for a little while...going about my day to day life, not paying any attention to the energy I'm giving off, to the thoughts manifesting in my mind, to the wishes, the dreams, the signs that are around all the time.

For years, I was unhappy in my relationship...YEARS!!!  I buried the feelings so deep and gave every attempt to make myself happy in the situation I was in.  I felt so strongly that I could make it work, I could easily jam a square peg in a round hole.  There is a line in Jerry Maguire that would echo through my head, "I can make this work".  And, over and over people would tell me, that relationships are work, marriage requires work.  So, to me, all this struggle was normal.  It was supposed to be like that...no one is 100% happy in a marriage.  No one is a perfect fit for another person.  It just doesn't work that way...or does it?

I found a letter that my ex-husband wrote to me when we were dating.  I want to guess that it was from 13 years ago, when we were struggling through our relationship.  We must have had another fight and apparently, according to the letter, I said I wasn't happy.  In the letter, my ex defended his actions, addressed the inadequacies in our relationship and promised to be all I needed him to be.  He wasn't affectionate, he didn't say he loved me, he kept me from friends because he was scared I'd leave him if I got too happy with them, he also kept me from my family as a way to protect me from disappointments they often left me with.  All the promises and14 years later, that they never actually changed.  I overlooked it, thought I was being greedy in my expectations, settled into a way of life that was just enough, but yet so not enough in the end to allow us to be strong enough to endure all the trials our marriage went through. 

All I wanted out of my ex-husband, I've discovered in another without really looking for it.  I found someone comfortable with showing love, hand holding, kisses and kindness.  He's embraced my family, cares about my children, isn't threatened by friendships I've had since childhood.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm certain that every day, I'll be grateful to have had him walk into my life at just the perfect moment.  I'll thank God for the second chance at happiness and I'll continue to keep my heart open for all the possibilities.

You're my person

I love how safe you make me feel when I'm with you.  I love that you open doors and give kisses so easily.  I love that you understand how easy it is to speed down an open highway.  I love that you love ketchup.  I love that you love Christmas and will decorate the tree.  I love that you love my cooking.  I love that you will watch Greys Anatomy with me and try to keep up...and I love watching Walking Dead with you because I know you get excited about it. I love watching you with your kids and seeing the love they have for you on their faces.  I love your playful side, I love your messages to me.  I love your smile, I love your eyes, and I love how just sitting on the couch watching tv can be one of the most exciting moments of my day with you.  I love how we sleep together and how solidly I do sleep when you're lying next to me with your arms wrapped all around me, holding my hand in the dark. I love the sound of your voice on the phone after a long day of not talking to you.  I love the smell of your skin after not seeing you for days.I love that we both have similar ways of thinking about such important things as raising kids and prioritizing our lives.

Most of all, I love looking forward to our future...I really don't know if you'll ever understand how much you mean to me after only two months of having you in my life or how I can't imagine a moment without you going forward.


Thank you for finally finding me...it sure did take you long enough :) I LOVE YOU
 

 

Are you a Dad or a Donor?

There is a theory that suggests that men fall into two categories - those that father children and those that raise children.  One is a constant in life's journey, the other...not so much. 

so...which will the father of my kids be in their lives??

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

(reposted from an entry in 2008)

A dream is a wish your heart makes, When you're fast asleep. In dreams you lose your heartaches, Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday Your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true --cinderella

I didn't think I was the girl who believed in fairy tales, but at this point, what will it hurt to dream? Now that I'm coming to the end of a relationship I had thought would last forever, I'm thinking ahead, dreaming ahead to a time when my prince will come. Now, I may be completely off my rocker, but I have some pretty high standards for this next person. And, I'm really not sure which of the list of important "MUSTS" can be compromised and negotiated. I guess when the time comes, I'll figure it out with the help of my dear friends. Believe me when I say that these dear friends will be trusted and listened to completely the next time around. I know a person exists out there that can be each of these things... and I hope my heart and mind will be open to him when he comes into my life.

My perfect man --
• will smile easily
• have a great sense of humor
• enjoy/love watching goofy comedies
• will be social and enjoy the company of friends and family
• have a beautiful smile, kind face and gentle eyes
• will not have a beard, goatee or mustache
• will have hair i can run my hands through
• will love children, learn to appreciate mine and become their friend
• will like to cook, be adventurous with food, like mushrooms, olives and artichokes, or at least humor me by trying something new now and then.
• have a positive outlook, can see the good in others
• will want to never stop kissing me
• will teach me to enjoy the things he likes and not be offended if I just don't get it
• will be open to spending time with me, doing the things I like to do
• Will be able to venture out to enjoy time on his own now and then, but then race back home
• will miss me when i'm not there
• will send flowers for no particular reason other than just because
• will plan something to celebrate my birthday without having to ask me the day of what I want to do
• will appreciate my goofy, playful side and not be embarrassed
• will be good with his hands, and able to fix things around the house
• will be able to change the oil in my car, fix a flat, repair brakes - if he can't, he'll make sure that the maintenance is being done on time
• will take care of me when i'm sick
• will help clean up the dishes after dinner
• will pitch in with chores when asked, or best yet, just do them when it looks like I need help
• will be respectful, use please and thank you, hold open doors and pull out my chair
• will have a good handle on cursing - things happen, I can curse like a man, too, but know how to turn it off
• will have faith in a power bigger than us - not neccesarily a bible thumper, but it would be nice to have someone who has no problem with helping my kids learn their scripture lessons for school or go with us to church.
• will go to museums, art galleries, the zoo for no reason other than it's something to do to pass the time and help teach the kids about a world outside their front door
• will like to travel - with kids - and not be scared that someone might have a meltdown after being stuck for 8 hours in a car or on a plane
• Can handle a child's meltdown with patience and understanding...and support me as I try to diffuse the situation.
• will learn to love my parents, through all their faults and issues, because they're a part of who I am and who I became, in spite of them
• Will look forward to hanging out with my siblings because he finds them as completely wonderful as I do
• will like to decorate for Christmas - help me put up the tree, unpack the ornaments, listen to holiday music and help lift the kids up so they can help put the star on top

What is it I deserve? And What Does This Mean Anyway?

...i've made mistakes in my life, i've let people take advantage of me, and i've accepted way less than i deserve.  But, i've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry, i'll know better next time and i wont settle for anything less than i deserve...

Instead of following my gut and heart over the years, I chose to take an easier route and accept something contrary to what I really wanted and needed.  It was easier to compromise on just about everything at the time than stand up, say no and walk away.  Being alone, lonely and weak allowed me to slip further away from who I am.  The hole I dug for myself got deeper and deeper over time and so did my resentments.  I'm not a material person, so when I talk about what it is I "need", it's not about a car, a house, big tv or new shoes.  What I needed was more than that and looking back at it all - the material got in the way of the intangible gifts I was searching for...and the emptiness inside grew. 

In this limbo area of my life I'm in right now, there is plenty of opportunity to really think about what I want in the future.  We've discussed certain aspects of it - and I've been working hard to build myself up to be a stronger person spiritually, physicially and emotionally.  I am waiting for another test of strength in which I'll face down a fear, situation or person and know completely that I'll not back down again when it matters most.  It's not that I'm giving up on compromise, but that for once, I don't want to be the one compromising all the time.  I want that balance, that give and take, the sun to my moon, the peas to my carrots, because I truly believe I deserve that.

By definition, to be deserving of something, means to be worthy of it. It means to be chosen to accept an honor, a gift, a compliment and at times, a punishment.  What is it that I deserve and need to remember and hold on to with all my heart as I continue through limbo to the other side of my life as I know it?   What are my deal breakers? 

Hopeful and Cautious - What a Mix

I made a decision the other day that I was going to approach this whole "dating" thing from a completely different angle.  I wasn't going to meet someone to cure loneliness or fill a void in my heart - because, this is something only I can fix in myself in my own time.  Whatever timeline I thought I was on was thrown away.  Life happens when you're busy making plans they say, so what would I miss while trying to fit things into a neat little plan of how I wanted life to turn out? 

I'd miss the laughter of my kids, the quiet moments on the couch reading, I'd miss the way they enjoy football practice and cheerleading.  I'd miss the simple joy of my tiny kitchen - cooking, baking, and filling bellies.  I'd miss the marvel of a summer thunderstorm, the quiet way my old dog breathes when he's fast asleep on the floor next to my bed.  All those little things in my life that make me smile...all those little things I'm so grateful to be able to have every single day. 

Instead of thinking about what I'm missing - I'm thinking of what I have in front of me.  I have GREAT kids...amazing siblings, wonderful and loving friends.  I have life experiences that are mine and mine alone and how I approach situations in response to what has happened to me is entirely my choice to make.  I can be graceful, courteous, caring, empathetic...I can treat others as I want to be treated without any expectation. 

It's funny though, when you're not looking for something, how something can find you.  I'm back to trusting the intuition which led me to where I am today.  And, I'm once again hopeful for something amazing...and yet, still super cautious. 

So, here's to living life as it should be lived.  Here's to loving with an open heart.  Here's to hope and dreams and silliness.  And thank you universe for all of it - the good, bad and ugly.  :)

You'll notice a theme at some point

"We just keep on trying, again and again, no matter how ill-advised it may be, to recreate Aristophanes' two-headed, eight-limbed figure of seamless human union."

As I continue on this separation journey, I'm left thinking, often OVER thinking, about what it is I want and what it is I need to be fulfilled and happy.  I feel like no matter what, I'll never quite find that perfect fit - that perfect person who makes me feel secure and loved.  I'm afraid that there will always be "something" that won't allow me to fully accept another person into my life.

 

My poor soon to be ex-husband begs me daily to take him back.  He's sorry he says.  He's chosen me above all things, he says.  He loves me more than I can ever understand, he says.  I could take him back, but my heart screams at me not to.  That this person is not the other half of me, he doesn't get me, he doesn't know me...and I don't like that I lost all passion and feelings for him.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to bring that feeling back.  Could I melt the ice on my heart for him? The inner voice pierces my brain with a deafening "NO! This is not what you need, this is not what you want...he is not for you".  It's so loud, I can't control it or even try to silence it.

 

But, how do I find that other half of me?  Where do I look?  Do I search or wait for them to find me?  Can I be content with my solitude and patiently wait for that moment when the stars align for us?  I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous I can be when it comes to love.  I never really thought about it until my friend pointed it out - I never really handled being alone before.  Now, mind you, I can care for myself, pay my bills, cook on my own, figure out car problems, make a plan for my future, rearrange furniture, mow a lawn... but to actually be without some sort of male companion... not so much.  I've craved that interaction and attention from the moment I realized how much I ADORED the opposite sex.  To be wanted, desired, loved, hugged, kissed, snuggled...I can't be without that.  I've been trying to live without it...finding ways to expand my horizons which doesn't require being attached at the hip with a man.  But, my heart and mind wanders back to the thoughts of missing my other half...I came close to finding him before, I know I'll find him again. 

 

Until then, I'll just sit on the beach, let the waves soothe my soul and be grateful that I have known love in my life...that I've experienced that feeling before so I'll know it when it comes back to me again.

I'm selfish, impatient and out of control...

The most amazing thing about a beach is that whatever is written in the sand is magically washed away like it never happened--wind, waves, other people walking over it--gone, erased, vanished.  :) this actually makes me smile to think that all I've been through will be washed away, that there are fresh starts and the rest will just be a memory.

It's been a couple weeks since the disaster date happened and I think I'm ok now.  Probably the worst part of it is that somehow or another, music got attached to the memory this person and it was hard for me to listen to anything by One Republic without wanting to stab myself in the ears...but, amazingly, that feeling is going away now.  Thank GOD because I really liked them!  Would be a damn shame if I couldn't listen to them again when they have so many good songs.... 
But, it did make me reflect on what my buddy Toddie said about me - that I have this crazy way of attaching on to people in about 2.5 seconds.  I don't try to make this happen, but it does.  I trust completely until given a reason not to.  Which means I put myself out there a lot - hoping that they'll give me the same amount of trust and respect in return.  And, with that I end up creating a more intimate relationship than is appropriate, way too fast.
What I need to remember in all this going forward is to NOT forget who I am and that good things are worth the wait and the work.  I allowed myself to be changed to make another person happy.  I have to remember to not let that happen again.  I need to stick to my "deal breakers" and be ok with walking away if it's just not right.  I also have to be ok with the idea that there may be things about me that may make them walk away and not to take it personally or sacrifice who I am to keep them around because I'm too scared to be alone.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" Marilyn Monroe

So, with this quote, one of my favorites, I'll sign off.  :)

The Dating Game - Chapter 1

I know many of you think I may possibly be rushing into the dating game WAY to fast.  I get it, you're concerned.  Some have even told me to enjoy being single and unattached for once in my life....thanks you know who for that one! 
I'm 36, and yes, that's still young by most standards, but, for me, I feel like I have a clock ticking over my head and there is a fine line between being happy with the love of my life or being that lady with the 13 cats alone in her home with no one.  I REALLY don't want to be the cat lady and I'm not entirely sure what is driving this feeling?

So, I went on my first real date in 17+ years and it was a great time- movie, dinner, hanging out.  It led to date #2, which also was a great time, which led to discussion of date #3.  I put myself out there, allowed the walls to come down and attempted to trust another person again only to be set up for a shocker situation.  Evidently, the dude is still married - he said separated, which I thought meant like my separation, but apparently, his wife wasn't let in on that tidbit.  Awesome....seriously.  There were other issues that wouldn't have led to anything more happening - homephobic, neanderthal like in his expectations of what a woman's role in the world is.  Le sigh....

Not a fan of dating so far - too stressful.  I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which makes things totally difficult and messy.

I just want my life to be wonderful and happy....too much to ask?

Cicadas and Adventures in Single Mom-hood

Many of you can attest to a couple of simple, straight forward facts about me, if you know me at all - I'm NOT a morning person and I HATE bugs/spiders.  Those two are probably the most important to remember. 

This morning, after dragging myself out of bed following a very sleepless night, my head still a little fuzzy and groggy, not entirely sure what time it was yet, I hear my son yell from the other end of the house, "mom, there's a cicada in the playroom".  I'm sorry, what did he say?  Now, imagine my completely and total horror and shock when I entered the playroom expecting him to toss a cicada nymph shell on me as a joke (since that's what little boys do, terrorize their moms with crap like that) and instead saw THIS sitting on a chair,cozy, chill-axing like he's at a spa:

Oh, yes, I freaked a little, no strike that, a LOT, but had to do it on the inside so as NOT to panic my child and send him into therapy earlier than neccessary.  I had no idea what to do... I glanced around the house, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get this sucker out of my house before he decided to take a self guided tour through the rooms.  Visions of the scene from Black Sheep with Chris Farley popped into my head as i realized I didn't have a broom or protective gear handy to suit up so I could handle this sucker.

From across the playroom, I ask my son to open the patio door - he cracks it open.  No son, I yell, OPEN THE DOOR!!!  So, he slides it all the way open and steps to the side as I slowly inch the chair toward the door, then, once safely out of the house, I attempted to move the creature from my chair to the patio table, with my son's help of course.  Funny thing about these bugs - they're clumsy awkward suckers.  Their bodies are too big for their wings to handle, so when they attempt to take off in flight, they wobble and tumble until their engines kick in.  They become unpredictable as hell, so when this alien thing realized that he was being evicted, he decided to take off, surely flipping me the bird as he was doing so, and I swear to god, if he had landed on me in those clumsy awkward initial flight moments, I wouldn't be here blogging.  F-ing bugs!!!

All I Asked For....So Why Do I Feel Abandoned?

Last week was life changing - and I'm now on this journey I really never believed was going to come my way.  My family and friends have been amazingly supportive, and there are a select few who are pushing me to do more counseling (which I don't believe would help), talk to their Pastor (because mine isn't good enough??), pray harder (since I'm evidently not praying).  With all the love and support, I still feel so crazy alone right now. 
I'm a bit frustrated because when it all settles, he will be able to go back to the life he was leading while we were married - all his time at bars, all the people he's met, he will have options for companionship, whether its a full relationship or to just satisfy an itch.  Me, on the other hand...not so much. 
My first weekend without my kids was unbearable.  Honestly I didn't want to get off my couch at one point - but divine intervention brought a friend to my door and I had a friendly face to keep me company so that the time went by faster.  It's hard not to crave attention and companionship right now, when my ego is more bruised than I thought it would be. 
So, here I am...with a hopeful heart and unclouded mind.  I'm wishing for an easy transition from the old life into the new life.  I pray hard that my kids will forgive me someday, because right now, I'm the super bad guy.  I need something to hold on to which will remind me that this decision is the right one for us - that it was an ultimate act of bravery to make the change I needed to make.  I am looking for another sign to come my way to keep me on the path to happiness.................

The Signs Say Yes

A week or so ago, I asked in my journal for the universe to allow things to align so that my life and that of my children can move to a better place.  I couldn't imagine at that moment's wish that the events would begin to unfold as they did.

I had been accused for years of being unfaithful to my husband and struggled with how badly those accusations affected me and my decisions.  Back then, I never understood what would make someone think that of me, because back then, I was different.  It didn't make sense.  But, I stuck to my guns, denied everything and carried on. 
Then, last week, I had a hunch, a very very strong hunch that made me review in my mind all the past actions and comments of my husband.  Everything in the world pointed to his being unfaithful and as much as I thought it would affect me, it did.  I felt so helpless because all I wanted was to be able to prove it, once and for all.  Then, my moment arrived.

He got sloppy - a very late night text set off a chain of events of which I'm still unsure of how it will turn out.  I woke up the next day and while he was in the bathroom, I did what I swore I'd never do.  I snooped.  I opened his phone and was shocked at what I saw.  I expected to see a different name, but instead, saw the name, "denise".  I have no idea who Denise is...she's not a family friend and because I don't know her, every text sent by her and to her screamed innappropriate.  I put the phone down and the seeds of doubt that had been flying around me for years finally took root in my mind.

Later that same day, I decided I would try to see what was on his other phone.  But, it was locked, a simple pattern stood between me and the truth.  And, divine intervention came shining through when my little girl told me the pattern I needed to trace to get into the phone...and it worked.  I found what I needed to find to convince me beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband had been unfaithful to me.  He broke his vows, he checked out of the marriage and strung ME along for years.

I was so sure he loved me....in his own way.  That he meant it when he said he couldn't live without me.  That I couldn't leave him.  I felt guilty for all my baggage and issues...I felt awful that I couldn't love him as much as he loved me.  But, truth be told...he doesn't love me.  He loves her.  And, he's just waiting for the time when he can grow balls enough to leave ME for her. 

Well Mr. Man... allow me to make it easy for you.  I have the balls you lack.  You underestimated me entirely.  You made a big mistake thinking you're bullet proof.  As Marilyn Monroe once said, "A wise woman leaves before she is left".

Stay tuned for updates...this is going to be a bumpy ride before it's finally over! <3 Pollyanna

Ally McBeal and Theme Songs

My son asked me one day, rather randomly as we were driving, if I had a theme song.  I asked, "what do you mean by a theme song?" to which he replied, "you know, a song that plays in your head - sometimes it's different depending on what you're thinking". 
My first reaction was to laugh - thinking of the old tv show, Ally McBeal.  Ally had theme songs, she had music playing in her head as she walked to work, as she went about her day.  She made an effort to change her music to suit her mood.  I loved her character so much...the conflict she went through.  Back when I watched the show, my life was so different.  I couldn't really relate to her at all, but enjoyed the entertaiment.  Back then, I seemingly had all I ever wanted.  I had the guy, I had the "stable" relationship. I was moving foward on a path that was going to see me married, with a house and kids.  I had NO idea what it was like to have lost the love of my life. I didn't quite get her suffering then...it was just a tv show with great music, good writers and weekly laughs, with a little bit of crying.  The show introduced me to Josh Groban (random, but I do love that man's voice) and his episode is probably the only one I remember with such clarity...not quite sure why?  He was a highschool student who sued the school's popular girl into going to prom with him.  In the end, he didn't get the prom date, but he did sing to her...from his heart.  The pain, the love in that voice... amazing. 

Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough.

Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything

So, what's up with the quote?  Other than being randomly placed in the middle of a post?  It speaks to me... As I browsed "most memorable McBeal quotes", this one jumped at me.  And, it makes me think - I've been loved by someone in his own way for 18 years now.  But, at the same time, its not enough that he loves me.  Because, I lack so much more - the friendship, the respect, the mutual adoration, which to me makes the love transcend blah love to become LOVE love.  The love that you realize is missing when it's truly not there in your life.  The love that's secure, that gives you that confidence that when you're old and grouchy, you'll have that person sitting next to you, not seeing you as old and grouchy, but as the person they fell for a million years ago. 

All these thoughts conjured up with one simple question - what is my theme song?  For today, my theme song is: 

Bridges and Trust



My awesome friend has an amazing husband who has a talented camera eye. She affectionately calls him her Mon'Kee...and this photo was taken by him. He has his own blog and I plan to feature his photos which inspire me to write....such as this one:  "Footbridge at Occoquan"

 When i saw this picture my first thought was, "what is on the other side of that bridge?" Just staring down the path in the picture, it has this tunnel vision effect- you can't see what's below it or on either side of it. Can't really even see the path on the other end, all you see are thick trees with no clue what else is out there beyond what the eye sees.  Taking that first step to cross that bridge would take an act of strength and faith.  Would the bridge remain steady and true?  Would the view as you crossed it be beautiful and breathtaking, making you think, "wow, if I hadn't started to cross, i would have missed this!"  And, once on the other side, would the path take me someplace amazing?  What's behind me and do I want to look back or just take that first step?

Anyone who truly knows me knows I have a fear of bridges.  Not all bridges mind you...just the scary ones.  :) There are places in the world where a simple bridge connects a remote village to civilization.  There are bridges which traverse swollen white water rapids which couldn't be crossed otherwise.  Bridges like these are neccessary to the survival of the people who need to use them.  These bridges cross insurmountable obstacles that a simple person may not be able to cross on their own. 

All in all, they fulfill a higher purpose....so what's my deal?

**rope bridges will probably never be crossed by me unless my life undoubtly depended on it.  I don't trust them, they're flimsy, no support...moments away from falling apart in my mind.  Not dependable and unreliable.
**old railway tressle bridges - yes, they were constructed to support trains crossing them over and over again, but for me to cross it?  forget about it.  The potential to trip, slip and fall through the tressle paralyzes me with fear.  There is a bridge in Maine that I was asked to walk across...think I got about 6 feet across, stopped, got on my hands and knees, cried and crawled back to the safety of the road.  I don't like the idea that if I have a clumsy moment, the bridge under my feet may disappear when I need it most.
**two lane bridges over water with only a jersey wall and no shoulder to pull off on...seriously?  Total devestating disaster is written all over this bridge.  All it takes is someone in the other lane, traveling way too fast...the head on collision or the swerve into (or through) the jersey wall would be the end of me.  Someone else's mistake and the bridge not offering any support or safety net or protection from a life altering mistake.

For me to be able to travel a bridge - footbridge or vehicle bridge, it needs to be sturdy, dependable, stable, with a place to pull to the side for a breather if neccessary.  It needs to make me feel confident, secure, safe... kind of what I expect out of people who come into my life.  So, my inability to cross a bridge is a testimony to my insecurities in things I can't control.  I don't trust what I don't know... making huge strides to change my life will take a strong, dependable, safe bridge to support me as I cross from one side to the other.

Interesting Reading - Like I Need More to Contemplate

hello?  Are you all still there?  it's been a while and nothing posted has been THAT interesting to make you want to come back....yeah, I know, I know.  Sorry about that!

Remember my slight book infatuation with "Eat, Pray, Love"?  Yes, I still love that book...still a sucker for watching the movie and zoning out to Julia Roberts narrating passages.  She has such a soothing voice....but, I digress! :)  Elizabeth Gilbert wrote another book called, "Committed: A Love Story", which details her journey to remarriage.  Pretty much discusses marriage through stories steeped in history, religion, culture and other social commentary on the subject. VERY interesting and I'm still only half through it. 

Why am I reading it?  Not entirely sure... as I'm still married and in this "limbo" period in my life.  The idea of remarrying is so far out of my mind because I can't remarry until I'm out of my first marriage whenever or if ever that should happen... save this discussion for another post.

anyway... reason I'm writing this post is because of an interesting part of the book I came across, and yes, I underlined/highlighted it.

According to Greek mythology, humans were once creatures that were essentially two bodies in one.  Two head, four arms, four legs - male/female, female/female and male/male.  "Since we had the perfect partner sewn into the fabric of our very being, we were all happy".  But, our pride got the best of us and Zues punished us for our neglecting the gods and cut all of us in half and we were miserable.  "In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.  For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part - a lost half, which we love almost more that we love ourselves - and that this missing part as out there someplace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person."

In our search for our other half, we come into contact with others and in our loneliness, we mate with the wrong people over and over again, seeking this "perfect" union.  "We may even believe at times that we have found out other half, but it's more likely that all we've found is somebody else who is searching for his other half - somebody who is equally desperate to believe that he has found that completion in us".

Interesting story, huh?  So... what does this mean?  Do we keep searching for the other half?  Or do we find the best fit knowing that we're probably never going to find the perfect fit. 

Along these lines, Ms. Gilbert brought up another tidbit - you'll probably remember that talk about soul mates awhile ago?  When she was told that a soul mate is only here to wake up your soul and move on?  Well, she reflects on her "soul mate" again in such a way that I had to laugh at myself...seriously, I laughed out loud at how ridiculous I became. 

"Spouses with relationships in crisis are also prime candidates for infatuation with a new lover"... um, yeah.  Why oh WHY was this info not taught to me early in life??? What college class could have helped me see that train wreck about to hit me?  And, all the signs were there to warn me.  "My new love interest had a giant EXIT sign hanging above his head - and I dived right through that exit, using the love affair as an excuse to escape my collapsing marriage, then claiming with an almost hysterical certainty that THIS person was everything I truly needed in life...shocking how that didn't work out"  Familiar territory YET again.  I became that person that was driving the other person in my life to run away to the next best thing. 

Hindsight being what it is...Amazing.  Looking forward, I'm still floundering to do the right thing.  But, more and more, I'm receiving subtle signs of a different variety showing me that what I thought was good for me in my dark and twisty place was not good for me.  Only now, as I'm becoming stronger, more confident again am I seeing my world with a little more clarity.



Tree - by Mon'Kee



...speaking of clarity and seeing...I will be getting new glasses this weekend.  and, on that random thought, I'll end this post!  :)

love, Pollyanna

Lent and the "journey"

It's been a long time since I've posted - just over a month!  So, what's new with me, you ask and why so long between posts?  To put it simply, I've been busy and somewhat focused!

How was my Lenten journey?  As you know, I chose to approach Lent differently than most people.  Instead of giving up on something (only to pick the habit back up again), I decided I would use the time and become a stronger person physically, emotionally and spiritually.  What a ride that was, let me tell you.

I chose also to focus on my marriage, since distractions have more or less shrunk back into the shadows (only to reappear in dreams, will post on that later).  With a clearer head and heart, I decided to see how things would work out if I wasn't comparing him to something that really is unattainable in so many ways.  And, this was a big step for me in a completely different direction than I was heading in January.  I had separation papers ready to file, money saved up to move forward and was ready to jump head first into a divorce.  For the most part, things are "fine"... and things can remain "fine" for as long as I want to live a "fine" life.  And, I'm conflicted at the end of this whole spiritual journey.  I had goals that were perfectly within my reach to accomplish, had I been supported by my partner in those goals.  My "fine" husband and partner isn't the best thing for me..."fine" isn't good enough for me.

I wanted to be able to run 3 miles, but never seemed to have the time to devote to the excercise neccessary to do that.  I tried running before dinner (while it cooked), only to be exhausted from lack of energy after work.  I attempted to excercise after dinner, which was a MISTAKE of huge proportions...seriously felt like dying.  Waiting until after the kids went to bed didn't work out either, because I was also ready to call it a day.  Waking up super early...also not an easy option because I'd still need assistance with getting the kids up so that we'd be able to get out the door on time.   Doing all this by myself........no bueno.  But, I will keep trying and find the solution that works for the family.

Reading a book a week - that should have been easy for me.  But, see the paragraph above and tell me how that would have fit in?  Once home from work, I'm in the kitchen cooking, then cleaning up, putting kids to bed, laundry, tidying up the rest of the house.  Moment my butt hits the couch, the last thing I seem to be able to focus on is reading.  But, I will keep trying.  Reading sharpens the mind :)

I tried to give up bad carbs and for the most part, that worked out nicely.  In extreme moments of stress and emotion, I turn to them, but have noticed that I've been able to avoid the sugar binges more and more. 

anyhow-- the journey continues.  I'm still working on being a better "me" so that I can be a better mom, partner, worker, etc.  sorry that this post took so long to write, but I will keep trying!  :)

Moods, Weather and Random Acts

2:00 a.m. - that's when it hit me.  I haven't had a migraine come on like this in I can't remember when.  Usually I can sense it before it hits, but not this time.  It actually woke me from a dead sleep.  Then the thunder started -distant rumbling in the night, followed by rain hitting my roof, gently at first, becoming steady as the storm moved in.  Soon it was a pounding fierce rain, lightening and more thunder... yep.  Not a chance I was going to get back to sleep like that, so I just laid there and thought of all I need to do today.  Back to making lists in my head, back to not being able to shut off my mind.  Back to thinking thoughts that I've been working so hard to not think. 
This is when my mood took a dark turn.  I knew in the back of my mind that starting the day off like this would be bad - but I just didn't have it in me to make the thoughts stop.  Angry, resentful, bitter... wishing so hard for the day that I could stop feeling this way.
The alarm went off way too soon - so I just kept hitting snooze until I couldn't do it anymore.  Finally drug my ass out of bed, woke up the monkeys and got the day started officially.  As usual, we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, but yet organized at the same time- clothes laid out, breakfast started, as they eat, i pack their lunches, get myself ready, brush our teeth, then we're out the door. 
Right before we walked out, I checked my phone.  Never really sure why I always check it...just a habit, sometimes just wishing that I'd have some random "i love you" sent to me by that someone who probably doesn't feel that way anymore.  Nearly every time, I find nothing there... until today.  A very random, "thinking of you" text attached to a beautiful morning sunrise photo from one of my dearest friends whom I haven't talked to in I don't know how long anymore.  Instantly made me smile.  Immediately blew the dark cloud away and made things better.
The rain has stopped, the clouds have parted...the sun is shining.  Freakish coincidence?  Perhaps... but, I'll cherish it all the same!  He and I were always two peas in a pod...

Updates and Randomness

Well...here I am.  A month after my worst month in my life and I'm feeling pretty good now! :) 

The journey during Lent continues - still trying my best to make healthier food choices and avoid the processed sugars.  Drinking more water and all!  I have no clue if I've lost any weight with this change, as I still have yet to buy a scale.  Didn't I say I was going to do that?  Yeah, that's typical of me - little details often escape me!
This week was my official start of getting back into running and it has been P-A-I-N-F-U-L!  I shouldn't be so shocked that I'm this out of shape.  A full year of being a depressed blob of a person tends to cause some nasty damage to the body.  And, all those COOKIES!!!!  I'm keeping it up though, but wish I had the time to go to a gym and take the classes I loved so much before I had kids. 
My job moved office buildings this week and that's been amazing - I finally have my own office and it's brand new.  New desk, new carpet, fresh pain.  A real "big girl" office and I'm so happy to finally have it.  It prompted me to also clean my mom car out so I could play the role of professional working mom... HA!  It's amazing how much more productive I am now compared to a couple weeks ago.  COULD be that I'm just that busy, but it could be the working environment.
now, about that love life that is still an issue.  I thought that my head was in a better place and I knew that I was finally looking at him and our situation with a clear conscience.  Nothing was clouding my judgement.  And...it's sad to admit this, but he and I are still so very incompatible on just about every level.  Once the big conference is over, and taxes are done, he and I will have to sit down and figure this stuff out.  And, I'll know I'll be strong enough to handle it then. 
The journey I'm is making me stronger!  :)

Let the Good Times Roll!!

Fat Tuesday, Faschingdienstag, Mardi Gras... the last big hurrah until Easter. 

I have 40 days to make myself better - mind, body and spirit.  Here's the plan and I really really wish I had a bigger support group at home to help make this happen, but its clear to me I have only myself to really depend on:

*No more sodas, sugars and otherwise bad for me foods. 
*Experimenting with more meal time ideas - new recipes and ways to make meals less boring and to teach my kids about diversity of food choices
*Couch to 5K - Seriously...I've been talking about running and haven't done it yet.  This is the time.
*Reading a book a week to expand my mind and spirit - Alchemist is  the first book
*Daily meditation/prayer to center my energy and provide focus.

I'm really hoping, after all this, I'll come out of Lent a happier, healthier person.  So, as they say in Nola - Laissez les bon temps rouler! 

Shattered

I thought I knew what was rock solid in my life and what wasn't.  I thought I knew what I could depend on, and what I couldn't.  All this has changed.  I'm at a redefining moment...a cross road.  It's a moment to sweep away the shattered peices of me and dig deep into my soul to find myself again.

No matter what ever happened, I clung to my family as a stable source of inspiration and support.  I felt safe when with them... found comfort in talking to them and felt valued when they confided in me.  That's all but gone now.  Miles and miles away from the people I loved most in the world and today I feel more of an outsider looking in than I ever have. 

It seems so easy right now to just pull into myself and just be.  No trust issues, no misunderstandings, no hurt, no pain (unless it's pain I cause myself). 

I have no desire for anything else really...things that should make me ecstatically happy, don't even register a ripple of emotion.  I know what this is...its a very familiar feeling all over again.  And, if it wasn't for my two kids, I don't think I'd care much to even try to fix it.  They're all I really have right now...probably all I'll ever have...until the day they push me away, saying I'm controlling and manipulative, lack empathy and understanding.

This is how I feel



For the past week, my family has been torn completely apart - and still, for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure how it happened and how it was allowed to escalate as it did?

The fallout from it is immense - for this post, I'm only focusing on my own feelings and raw emotions.  I lost my best friend-my brother.  He was the person I turned to for support - to bounce off ideas, talk through situations and helped me remain level headed.  I confided in him everything - I know I've alluded to situations in past posts, but he knew details and I felt I could trust him.  When the shit hit the fan, he threatened to expose me and all my secrets - which, if he had, would have ruined me and I would have lost my kids.  He made very hurtful comments on my facebook page for my friends to see, questioning my morals.  This person he became was not who I thought I knew and I resigned myself to distancing from him.  Maybe not forever, but for a clear amount of time to protect myself.

He made several comments about me that cut to the bone - I had become a mother figure to him and my siblings over the years, especially after my parents fell apart and had their own problems to deal with.  No one was here for us and we relied a lot on each other.  I took on the role as a parent, offering guidance when needed.  I offered advice, consolation, praise, support whenever it was needed, without hesitation.  Come to find out, all I had done which I did out of love for them, he felt was controlling. 

As all these realizations came through, I felt about as alone as anyone would be in this situation.  I tried to turn to my husband for some support, a hug, a shoulder and was met with nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset at him...I am trying to push him out of my life, right?

So, here I am...feeling about as alone as I could be right now.  I don't have a husband as a support person (haven't had that in i don't know how long), I don't have my brother/best friend.  I lost my best friend and at my lowest lowest point the other night, I so wanted to call him.  Probably wouldn't have been the best idea - and if I did reach out and was left hanging, god only knows what that would have done to me. 

I'm confident that the weekend will revive my spirits - that sleep and being with my children will help repair my heart.  I hate having my confidence shaken and I hate being alone...

Love is my guiding star

I went back through my paper journal for this year and realized I never wrote about my star.  On the first Sunday of Epiphany, my church hands out stars randomly to the entire congregation.  There are 40 potential stars to pick out of a basket and you have no control over which of the stars will choose you.  In past years, I collected a star and tossed it aside, never really thinking much about the word on the star, the meaning or how it would play into the bigger picture of my life for that year.
This year, however, was different.  This year, I'm allowing my heart and mind to be open to the messages of the Universe (or God, which ever way makes you more comfortable in reading these blogs).  So, that first Sunday of Epiphany, I reached into the basket and pulled out a star with the word, "LOVE".   What am I to do with this?  That was my first thought.
The idea behind these stars is to find ways during the year to nurture, develop, find, strengthen, appreciate, give, recieve that word on the star.  Seems easy, right?   Ha HA!!!  So, a year ago I swore off the idea of true love, wasted a year of my life trying to figure out if love had any business in my life and the Universe responds by handing me "LOVE".

So...now what??  How do I allow LOVE back into my life again since I'm scared to death of getting hurt? 

Nurture:  continue to love my children unconditionally, set boundaries for them, provide them guidance and discipline, share what makes me happy so that they know how to love another person.
Develop:  hmmm...hard one here.  Perhaps I can be a better sister to my new sister in laws? 
Find:  yeah, not quite in the position for searching out love...
Strengthen:  this is a hard one...my marriage is never going to heal from the wounds inflicted, so strengthening that bond isn't likely to happen.  If I tackle the challenges with my family, the past history with my parents and try to form better bonds with my extended family, then I'll create stronger love bonds.
Appreciate:  yes, I do, all the time
Give:  for the most part yes...
Receive:  I am trying... but hard when trust is a factor

Valentine's Day

Last year, on Valentine's Day, I literally felt my heart break into a million peices.  I laid in my bed, after I put my kids to sleep and sobbed uncontrollably for hours.  I cried so long my eyes were swollen.  I cried so hard my face had tiny bruises around my eyes.  I cried so loud my throat hurt and I woke up my dear children.  As I let the anguish leave my body, my little ones held my hands and stroked my hair, cuddled up by me, scared to death I'm sure and I couldn't console them.  I just cried.  Why you ask?  Why not I ask you?  My marriage was shit.  I didn't love my husband at all anymore and he wouldn't give me what I needed - a break, a separation, a divorce.  I was trapped.  I sent a text to that night, before the sobbing begain, to a special person with a simple "I love you" and got NOTHING in return and it left me wounded beyond repair.  At that moment, I think I felt the most alone I had ever felt.

The part of me I had rediscovered after meeting that person- the part that learned to believe in fairy tales, hearts, flowers, kind words and poetry suddenly had zero business in my life.  Allowing this vulnerability was no longer an option - I didn't want to ever feel like this.  The risk taking in giving your heart away was more than I could bear.  I was NOT going to give my heart away ever again. I was angry, bitter, enraged and injured beyond words and so lonely that it hurt. 

Flash forward to 2011 - and yeah... still feel that way in so many ways.  But, I am coming through this... and I will be stronger for it.  I'll likely be more careful about who I share my heart with and be more mindful and responsible with the situation in which it happens. 

I know that this won't always feel like this.  Grief takes time to heal.... and it happens on it's own schedule, doesn't it? 

Dreams - What Do They Mean?

This past year I have had dreams that have affected me so deeply.  I can tell by the way I wake up in the morning that something is profoundly missing in my life.  I'm lonely.  I miss him.  When I wake up with those lonely and empty feelings, I am reminded like a stinging slap to the face that he's not there - for reasons that were always in my control.  There are mornings I just want to keep my eyes closed, to soak up the visions in my mind a little longer and hear his voice in my head echoing in the sweet ways I'd often hear over the phone.  The memories are fading now as time goes by... the images aren't as clear as they were.  I concentrate hard to remember specific parts of him - his eyes especially.  Those kind, brown eyes.  Eyes that looked at me with total love and adoration.  Eyes that could see right through me. 

There have been dreams I vividly remember after waking, which in a sense, will haunt me forever as I struggle to grasp for the meaning. 

The photo for this post is a perfect fit to a dream I had--I was walking through the forest, much like the forest in this picture.  It was chilly, the air was dry, crisp.  The leaves crackled under my feet.  I was talking - not on the phone I don't think or to anyone in particular walking beside me.  Just walking and talking with a very comforting and familiar voice, deeper and deeper into the woods.  Suddenly, in my dream, I'm in a ravine - I walked into it, but couldn't get out of it.  The walls were either too steep, or the leaves too slippery.  I was stuck and continued to walk deeper and further into it until I stopped and called for help... I remember in my dream, just yelling for help.  I was alone, at one point, the voice was gone but I kept on yelling.  I stopped screaming, and heard in the distance, the familiar voice yelling back to me - I'm here, I'm here...the sound of his voice getting closer to me.  I'd yell, he'd respond...then I was pulled out of the ravine and was safe.

Deep, huh?  Can you see why it haunts me?  I recognized the voice in my dream, but now, after time has passed, I wonder who it really was who saved me in this dream?

I'm an Acorn

"Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!"


Early in the morning, when my son wakes from sleep, he'll mumble the most random things while he's coming out of his twilight sleep and most times I dismiss them and move on with the day we have ahead of us. 
This morning,what he said when he woke up made me pause - he said, "mom, you're an acorn" and rolled back over and fell asleep. 

An acorn... ok.  So, as we laid in bed, struggling to wake up for the day, I wondered - am I an acorn?  do i want to be an acorn?  my mind at this point didn't think of an acorn in a very positive way at all.  Acorns fall from oak trees, the lay around on the ground. Squirrels collect them for food... is that what I wanted to be?  Now, a squirrel, that seemed to be the way to go - a go-getter, busy, nimble, pro-active, social, playful, right?  That seemed to fit me better, so I thought!

I ventured on to work, and the thought of "mom, you're an acorn" kept rattling in my mind.  What did it mean when he said that?  What's it mean to be an acorn?  So, on to google I went....

-Druids believed that the acorn held special powers related to love and divination.  If two people placed an acorn into a bowl of water and the acorns floated together, it meant they were to be married.  If they drifted apart, they were not meant to be. 
-British folklore states that a person who carries an acorn in his pocket will remain youthful.
-During the Norman Conquest, the English carried dried acorns to protect themselves from the brutalities of the day. Considered to be an emblem of luck, prosperity, youthfulness and power, the Acorn is a good luck symbol indeed. It also represents spiritual growth.
-Wiccans/pagan believe in the acorn being a symbol of strength and power.  Since acorns only come from mature oak trees, they also symbolize patience to attain goals over a long period of time.
-Acorns hold signifigance as a Celitc symbol for life, fertility, and immortality. For this reason it is often sacred to the god Thor, who is ruler of fire and fertility. When it is carried on the person, it can often preserve youthfulness. Also acts as the symbol for strength

With this new found knowledge of acorns, I was filled with so much love for my son.  That early morning random statement held more meaning than he will ever understand.  I wanted to be an acorn.

I have struggled.  I have been as patient as I could be with the changes happening in my life. I have felt weakened by the overwhelming circumstances which surround me, but yet draw upon an inner strength to keep moving ahead and not allow myself to give up and lose hope in what lies ahead.

So, here I am, as an acorn... all this potential under the surface, minding my time, waiting for the right environment which will allow me to take root in this world to one day become a strong oak tree. 

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” 

(now, about my son being this early morning twilight sleep "oracle".... we'll save that for another blog)

2011--the Year I Realized I'm OLD!

I had every intention of posting something profound and meaningful at the first of the year, but was sidetracked by life.... wouldn't you know it?  Posts would pop into my head, but at the time, I just wasn't as inspired as I needed to be to create something worthy of you, my dear readers and faithful fans :)  Totally didn't want to embark on the cheezy, yet oh so expected "2011 Resolution List" either.  Especially since I do have fans and some followers who will hold me accountable. 

But, for those really wondering what I want to do with myself in 2011 - here it is:

APPRECIATE THE HAPPINESS AND JOY IN MY LIFE
EMBRACE LOVE AS IT COMES TO ME... STOP LOOKING FOR IT
DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN I DESERVE
REALIZE THAT MATERIAL POSSESSIONS ARE MEANINGLESS

I'm turning 36 tomorrow....... 36 years old.  Yep, that's right.  I'm THAT old now...ever closer to 40.  A year ago, age wasn't an issue or concern, I was in denial or something. For some reason, I just felt as though I was eternally 25, young, spirited, and ready to take on the world, felt as though I would have all I ever wanted within reach and that I would be loved and appreciated for being ME.  Now, here I am... still spirited... still have that "youthful" glow about me according to those who love me enough to keep my ego in check.  Take on the world though? I just want to be able to tackle my personal challenges once and for all... maybe then, the world will open up in front of me and challenge me to a throw down, which, I am fairly certain I could win.  All I ever wanted within reach?  Apparently, all I ever really wanted was just an illusion.  I need to really figure out the Needs vs the Wants.   Loved and appreciated for being ME?  yeah, you all are awesome for keeping that part going for me-THANK YOU for that!

So, for my birthday, I have NOT A CLUE what I'm doing to celebrate.  Tonight, the princess and I are making cupcakes for her class snack.  I was invited to watch "Monster Trucks" at the Verizon Center, but vetoed that option immediately.  So much wrong with that and I can't really put it in a cohesive sentence to explain why.  I'm not THAT redneck evidently, because not a single bone in my body got even slightly excited at the prospect of watching big loud trucks crush the shit out of each other to the cheering hoots and hollers of a class of people I tend to avoid, even at Walmart.  Then, there's the fact that I've never asked to go to a Monster Truck Rally, or even hinted that it would be cool to go for ME. Now, take my kids on some fun filled family night, perhaps.  But, as a gift to spend my birthday, who are you kidding?  I can't even give that an "A" for effort.  That is an epic FAIL in my book of thoughtful things to do for someone's birthday whom you've known for 17 years. 

Honestly, I just want the day to go by without drama attached.  :)