This is how I feel



For the past week, my family has been torn completely apart - and still, for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure how it happened and how it was allowed to escalate as it did?

The fallout from it is immense - for this post, I'm only focusing on my own feelings and raw emotions.  I lost my best friend-my brother.  He was the person I turned to for support - to bounce off ideas, talk through situations and helped me remain level headed.  I confided in him everything - I know I've alluded to situations in past posts, but he knew details and I felt I could trust him.  When the shit hit the fan, he threatened to expose me and all my secrets - which, if he had, would have ruined me and I would have lost my kids.  He made very hurtful comments on my facebook page for my friends to see, questioning my morals.  This person he became was not who I thought I knew and I resigned myself to distancing from him.  Maybe not forever, but for a clear amount of time to protect myself.

He made several comments about me that cut to the bone - I had become a mother figure to him and my siblings over the years, especially after my parents fell apart and had their own problems to deal with.  No one was here for us and we relied a lot on each other.  I took on the role as a parent, offering guidance when needed.  I offered advice, consolation, praise, support whenever it was needed, without hesitation.  Come to find out, all I had done which I did out of love for them, he felt was controlling. 

As all these realizations came through, I felt about as alone as anyone would be in this situation.  I tried to turn to my husband for some support, a hug, a shoulder and was met with nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset at him...I am trying to push him out of my life, right?

So, here I am...feeling about as alone as I could be right now.  I don't have a husband as a support person (haven't had that in i don't know how long), I don't have my brother/best friend.  I lost my best friend and at my lowest lowest point the other night, I so wanted to call him.  Probably wouldn't have been the best idea - and if I did reach out and was left hanging, god only knows what that would have done to me. 

I'm confident that the weekend will revive my spirits - that sleep and being with my children will help repair my heart.  I hate having my confidence shaken and I hate being alone...