You'll notice a theme at some point

"We just keep on trying, again and again, no matter how ill-advised it may be, to recreate Aristophanes' two-headed, eight-limbed figure of seamless human union."

As I continue on this separation journey, I'm left thinking, often OVER thinking, about what it is I want and what it is I need to be fulfilled and happy.  I feel like no matter what, I'll never quite find that perfect fit - that perfect person who makes me feel secure and loved.  I'm afraid that there will always be "something" that won't allow me to fully accept another person into my life.

 

My poor soon to be ex-husband begs me daily to take him back.  He's sorry he says.  He's chosen me above all things, he says.  He loves me more than I can ever understand, he says.  I could take him back, but my heart screams at me not to.  That this person is not the other half of me, he doesn't get me, he doesn't know me...and I don't like that I lost all passion and feelings for him.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to bring that feeling back.  Could I melt the ice on my heart for him? The inner voice pierces my brain with a deafening "NO! This is not what you need, this is not what you want...he is not for you".  It's so loud, I can't control it or even try to silence it.

 

But, how do I find that other half of me?  Where do I look?  Do I search or wait for them to find me?  Can I be content with my solitude and patiently wait for that moment when the stars align for us?  I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous I can be when it comes to love.  I never really thought about it until my friend pointed it out - I never really handled being alone before.  Now, mind you, I can care for myself, pay my bills, cook on my own, figure out car problems, make a plan for my future, rearrange furniture, mow a lawn... but to actually be without some sort of male companion... not so much.  I've craved that interaction and attention from the moment I realized how much I ADORED the opposite sex.  To be wanted, desired, loved, hugged, kissed, snuggled...I can't be without that.  I've been trying to live without it...finding ways to expand my horizons which doesn't require being attached at the hip with a man.  But, my heart and mind wanders back to the thoughts of missing my other half...I came close to finding him before, I know I'll find him again. 

 

Until then, I'll just sit on the beach, let the waves soothe my soul and be grateful that I have known love in my life...that I've experienced that feeling before so I'll know it when it comes back to me again.