Where is this Going?

I named this picture when I saved it originally as "where is this going?"   Something about the path in the woods and not seeing the beginning or the end of the journey.

This is sort of where I am right now...enjoying what's in front of me, day by day...but wanting so badly to know where the road is taking me.  

For 2015, my epiphany star to follow is CONTENTMENT.  I think for years now, I've been so focused on what's at the end of the path that I'm failing to see, feel, touch, and embrace each moment of the journey.   I've failed to feel the moments of gratitude...

This journey since 2010 has been one of pure faith -  I had to take a step without any idea of how it was going to turn out, and hoped that when I took that first step, the stairway would appear before me.  Every bit of the way has been a blind walk on an entirely new, unpredictable path.  It's exhausting sometimes - not knowing what's actually going to happen.  Just knowing deep down that how life is now is a lot better than it was.  That's all I can cling to day by day - that today is better than yesterday, and resting my head at night with the intention that tomorrow will be better than today.






It took an Earthquake

It's Easter Monday - April 21, 2014...In Easter service yesterday, our Pastor gave a sermon about earthquakes.  When Jesus died, there was a great earthquake, when the Angel appeared, and life was forever changed.  Christianity was born, people saw the power of God and realized everything they had been told in prophecies had come true.  Pastor then talked about the earthquake in 2011.  It was a strong earthquake, but there were no deaths or injuries.  We were all changed,  by the forces of nature that day.  He then discussed the many ways angels visit all of us in our lives - the many "earthquakes" we've experienced which changed our lives.  They're there in the birth of our children, in marriage proposals, in new job offers, the people we encounter who become new friends, the strangers we help...these are the small earthquakes, which change us, but don't turn our world upside down in a bad way.  Then, we have the earthquakes which are devastating - deaths, divorce, abandonment and loss -the moments which leave us raw, bruised, numb and require us to rebuild from the ashes of dust and destruction.

I thought about what he was saying and remembered all my earthquake moments - all of them flooded my memory and some I had forgotten about until the sermon.  One moment especially came back to me...and it happened when the earthquake hit DC - August 23, 2011.

Before the earthquake, I had separated from my husband, and started living on my own, with two kids, navigating life as a single mom.  I had also someone someone new days before the quake hit.  Then, that afternoon on August 23, once the ground stopped shaking and I realized what just happened, I sent him a text - very casual - saying, "think we just had an earthquake here".  Every phone line was tied up, so trying to get a call to my kids wasn't easy.  I was finally able to get a call through to my kids to make sure they were alright and once I calmed their nerves, I got off the phone to get back to work.  I checked my phone and I had a text from the "new" guy asking if I was ok.  He's a police officer in DC, and that day, after an earthquake, he stopped to check on me, when the city was alive with panic.  He barely knew me, hadn't actually met me in person yet, but thought enough to see if how I was.   Guess who didn't call or text right away?  Yeah, you guessed it.  The soon to be ex hubby at the time claimed I was the only person in the world he cared about and loved so much, and was trying to win me back, but yet, I wasn't one of the first people he called or texted.  That moment made me remember that actions speak louder than words...and it opened my eyes even more to the harsh reality that was my ending marriage.  It was a moment like this one that kept me focused on the fact that divorcing this man was the best thing I could do for myself and for my kids.   It was a true earthquake moment.... and I'm glad it happened.  That amazing, person and I went on our first date on Aug 24, 2011, and we've been inseparable ever since.  :)

What Scares Me the Most

I read something the other day about writing down things for your children - things about yourself, your life, your wisdom, your stories....anything to pass on to them as they get older so they can learn who you really are.  That you're more than just a "mom"...you're a person with the world of experience to share. 
In explaining this project, the author provided a long list of things to write about and the first one was a random list of 20 things about yourself... I already did this on this blog :)  Next on the list was a list of three legitimate fears and why...so here we go:

1.) Spiders... no brainer...legitimately scared of them and I wish I could figure out how it started.   Think it has to do with them being sneaky...they can be anywhere at any time.  Move a piece of paper...BOOM...spider.  Walk outside your door, and walk into a web... and the list goes on and on.

2.) Failure...in all forms.  I've failed at so many things so far in life and hope that I've learned something along the way to keep the same failure from happening again.  Failure to me means I was careless somewhere along the way - I didn't prepare enough, I didn't pay attention.  It's a lack of something that I should have controlled better.

3.) Abandonment and loneliness - I need to feel needed and appreciated.  I live for being wanted.  My first instinct is to protect and care for another person.  My biggest fear is that no one will love or care for me that same way.  That I'm not going to be important enough and something or someone else will take them away and I'll be left alone.  I've been left before - by parents, by my husband, by my brother - people who meant the world to me and shouldn't ever leave me while they're still living.  Trusting that another person won't do that to me when the most important people in my world already did it...it's nearly impossible.