Letting the Water Take Over my Thoughts

There are places I go sometimes to help clear my thoughts and to find my center and the most perfect place is sitting on a beach, to watch the tide come in and then leave.

Each time a wave comes in, I tell it my story, and it takes the anger, frustration, doubt back to the ocean, where it disappears into the deep blue.  By the time the tide goes out, my heart is lighter, my head clearer and the world around me brighter.

Life is a constant renewal - and the Universe finds ways to cleanse our souls if we're ready to let go of the negative so that the positive has room to grow. 


Letter to the Ex-Wife...the Crusher of Dreams

Dear You,
We've never met, you and I.  We know of each other, we've seen pictures, we've heard stories.  In a different place, maybe we'd be friends, since obviously we share something in common.  Something about us both made the same man fall in love with us.  Only difference is that he stopped loving you, which led to him falling in love with me.

This man is every dream come true for me...he was probably your dream come true as well.  Every day, each moment spent with him makes me smile, even the simplest moments...washing dishes, folding laundry, times that are often taken for granted, I'm grateful for them.  The touch of his hand on mine while we watch tv makes my heart skip a beat.  I live for his laugh and his smile and I can't imagine there would be anything I wouldn't do for him.   And, the idea of ever hurting him?  Never...in a million years.

Seeing you in pictures with him turns my stomach, because I know I'll never have what you had with him.  I can see him happy with you.  He chose to marry you, even with the challenges, the disagreements, the moments when you'd wear him down.  He still chose you.   And, you just didn't know what you had by having him.  And you lost him.  Which led to him finding me.

I have to be grateful for you coming into his life, because, if you hadn't, I never would have met him.  But, yet, thanks to you, I have a version of him that isn't as trusting as the person he was with you - which sucks, because I'm sure that version of him was 1000 times more amazing than the version I have (which is still pretty amazing).  I have the man who's approaching life with more caution, the man waiting for the shoe to drop, hiding behind a wall that lets me be only so close, but not as close as you were with him.  With you he saw a new start, a second chance...with me, well...let's just say, I'll only get so close...he has another new start, but all your promises were broken, so mine mean nothing.  He gave you his last name and you took him for granted.  I appreciate everything about him in my life, love him unconditionally, but thanks to you, marrying me someday is off the table. 

I'm supposedly his perfect fit, I make him completely happy.  I take care of him, I love his children like my own.  But, it will never be enough to get passed that wall of doubt he created because of you.  And, that breaks my heart...which I figure is exactly what you'd want.  You've hurt him...and making sure he never finds true complete happiness ever again is exactly what you'd wish on him, because that's the woman you are, a true dream crusher.

Christmas, Wishes and Dreams

Long before life made me bitter and jaded, I dreamt of the "perfect" wedding.   I think every girl does this and often it's at some dreamy stage in her life when it's all rainbows, butterflies, castles and Prince Charming.   There's never really anyone else involved in this plan - just a girl, a magazine and ideas of how her life is supposed to turn out following one magical moment in time in her distant future.
 

I had it in my head that I would have a Christmas wedding.  Naturally, the world is in a happier frame of mind during the holidays - Gifts, food, family, sparkle - its truly magical, so adding a fairy tale wedding right in the middle of all the festivities just made sense in some deep part of my soul. 

My dress would be classic - white satin, long train, even longer lace veil trailing from the perfect sparkling tiara.  My bridesmaids would wear simple black dresses, holding white fur hand muffs, adorned with deep red flowers, dark green foliage and dotted with stephanotis and crystals.  My future husband-to-be and his entourage would wear morning suits of course, with boutonnieres to match my flowing bouquet.  The church would be awash in candle light, with lines of ficus trees dripping in white twinkle lights.  As my guests enter, making their way to their seats, an orchestra would be playing music as festive as the season and the occasion...building up to the moment when I enter the church, with all my hopes and dreams ready to share with the one person placed on this earth to help me realize them.  The party that followed the vows would of course be amazing...every detail was planned out perfectly, without the aid of Pinterest.

Because I missed my family and was longing for tradition, I had begged and begged to visit the National Christmas tree for years after I had moved out of my parents house.  One year, out of the blue, I was asked to go to dinner and visit the National Christmas Tree by the White House, which led to a marriage proposal that I truly wasn't expecting.  I was engaged only days before Christmas and it seemed as though the path I wanted to be on was unfolding in front of me - some of the journey had changed along the way, but, it appeared that this was where I was supposed to be.  Someone wanted to marry me...someone I had been with for what seemed like forever, so it was a natural next step.  That's how its supposed to be right? 

I began a life of what I believed was what marriage was supposed to be about the day we started planning the wedding.  It's not about one person's dream or desires, but what both people would want to make the other person happy.  So, I let go of one of my very first dreams, conceded to a spring wedding, which then set in motion a cycle that turned out not to be about compromise, but something lonely and one-sided.  And ultimately, the marriage ended - we weren't on the same journey, we weren't walking together and I finally had to stop the ride to get off before it killed me.

The Universe made the signs so obvious to me a year ago...I was truly in tune with what I desired most in my life.  I don't think it could have been more obvious that I needed to recreate the life I always wanted and deserved, to bring my dreams within my reach again.

Realizing that I lost this dream recently made me aware that I stopped listening to my soul, my heart, my inner voice even though so much was screaming at me to listen.  So, when I am confronted with  those life defining moments that will in all ways change my life; when I'm at a crossroads, what will I decide?  Will I choose Christmas?