A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

(reposted from an entry in 2008)

A dream is a wish your heart makes, When you're fast asleep. In dreams you lose your heartaches, Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday Your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true --cinderella

I didn't think I was the girl who believed in fairy tales, but at this point, what will it hurt to dream? Now that I'm coming to the end of a relationship I had thought would last forever, I'm thinking ahead, dreaming ahead to a time when my prince will come. Now, I may be completely off my rocker, but I have some pretty high standards for this next person. And, I'm really not sure which of the list of important "MUSTS" can be compromised and negotiated. I guess when the time comes, I'll figure it out with the help of my dear friends. Believe me when I say that these dear friends will be trusted and listened to completely the next time around. I know a person exists out there that can be each of these things... and I hope my heart and mind will be open to him when he comes into my life.

My perfect man --
• will smile easily
• have a great sense of humor
• enjoy/love watching goofy comedies
• will be social and enjoy the company of friends and family
• have a beautiful smile, kind face and gentle eyes
• will not have a beard, goatee or mustache
• will have hair i can run my hands through
• will love children, learn to appreciate mine and become their friend
• will like to cook, be adventurous with food, like mushrooms, olives and artichokes, or at least humor me by trying something new now and then.
• have a positive outlook, can see the good in others
• will want to never stop kissing me
• will teach me to enjoy the things he likes and not be offended if I just don't get it
• will be open to spending time with me, doing the things I like to do
• Will be able to venture out to enjoy time on his own now and then, but then race back home
• will miss me when i'm not there
• will send flowers for no particular reason other than just because
• will plan something to celebrate my birthday without having to ask me the day of what I want to do
• will appreciate my goofy, playful side and not be embarrassed
• will be good with his hands, and able to fix things around the house
• will be able to change the oil in my car, fix a flat, repair brakes - if he can't, he'll make sure that the maintenance is being done on time
• will take care of me when i'm sick
• will help clean up the dishes after dinner
• will pitch in with chores when asked, or best yet, just do them when it looks like I need help
• will be respectful, use please and thank you, hold open doors and pull out my chair
• will have a good handle on cursing - things happen, I can curse like a man, too, but know how to turn it off
• will have faith in a power bigger than us - not neccesarily a bible thumper, but it would be nice to have someone who has no problem with helping my kids learn their scripture lessons for school or go with us to church.
• will go to museums, art galleries, the zoo for no reason other than it's something to do to pass the time and help teach the kids about a world outside their front door
• will like to travel - with kids - and not be scared that someone might have a meltdown after being stuck for 8 hours in a car or on a plane
• Can handle a child's meltdown with patience and understanding...and support me as I try to diffuse the situation.
• will learn to love my parents, through all their faults and issues, because they're a part of who I am and who I became, in spite of them
• Will look forward to hanging out with my siblings because he finds them as completely wonderful as I do
• will like to decorate for Christmas - help me put up the tree, unpack the ornaments, listen to holiday music and help lift the kids up so they can help put the star on top

What is it I deserve? And What Does This Mean Anyway?

...i've made mistakes in my life, i've let people take advantage of me, and i've accepted way less than i deserve.  But, i've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry, i'll know better next time and i wont settle for anything less than i deserve...

Instead of following my gut and heart over the years, I chose to take an easier route and accept something contrary to what I really wanted and needed.  It was easier to compromise on just about everything at the time than stand up, say no and walk away.  Being alone, lonely and weak allowed me to slip further away from who I am.  The hole I dug for myself got deeper and deeper over time and so did my resentments.  I'm not a material person, so when I talk about what it is I "need", it's not about a car, a house, big tv or new shoes.  What I needed was more than that and looking back at it all - the material got in the way of the intangible gifts I was searching for...and the emptiness inside grew. 

In this limbo area of my life I'm in right now, there is plenty of opportunity to really think about what I want in the future.  We've discussed certain aspects of it - and I've been working hard to build myself up to be a stronger person spiritually, physicially and emotionally.  I am waiting for another test of strength in which I'll face down a fear, situation or person and know completely that I'll not back down again when it matters most.  It's not that I'm giving up on compromise, but that for once, I don't want to be the one compromising all the time.  I want that balance, that give and take, the sun to my moon, the peas to my carrots, because I truly believe I deserve that.

By definition, to be deserving of something, means to be worthy of it. It means to be chosen to accept an honor, a gift, a compliment and at times, a punishment.  What is it that I deserve and need to remember and hold on to with all my heart as I continue through limbo to the other side of my life as I know it?   What are my deal breakers? 

Hopeful and Cautious - What a Mix

I made a decision the other day that I was going to approach this whole "dating" thing from a completely different angle.  I wasn't going to meet someone to cure loneliness or fill a void in my heart - because, this is something only I can fix in myself in my own time.  Whatever timeline I thought I was on was thrown away.  Life happens when you're busy making plans they say, so what would I miss while trying to fit things into a neat little plan of how I wanted life to turn out? 

I'd miss the laughter of my kids, the quiet moments on the couch reading, I'd miss the way they enjoy football practice and cheerleading.  I'd miss the simple joy of my tiny kitchen - cooking, baking, and filling bellies.  I'd miss the marvel of a summer thunderstorm, the quiet way my old dog breathes when he's fast asleep on the floor next to my bed.  All those little things in my life that make me smile...all those little things I'm so grateful to be able to have every single day. 

Instead of thinking about what I'm missing - I'm thinking of what I have in front of me.  I have GREAT kids...amazing siblings, wonderful and loving friends.  I have life experiences that are mine and mine alone and how I approach situations in response to what has happened to me is entirely my choice to make.  I can be graceful, courteous, caring, empathetic...I can treat others as I want to be treated without any expectation. 

It's funny though, when you're not looking for something, how something can find you.  I'm back to trusting the intuition which led me to where I am today.  And, I'm once again hopeful for something amazing...and yet, still super cautious. 

So, here's to living life as it should be lived.  Here's to loving with an open heart.  Here's to hope and dreams and silliness.  And thank you universe for all of it - the good, bad and ugly.  :)