Let the Good Times Roll!!

Fat Tuesday, Faschingdienstag, Mardi Gras... the last big hurrah until Easter. 

I have 40 days to make myself better - mind, body and spirit.  Here's the plan and I really really wish I had a bigger support group at home to help make this happen, but its clear to me I have only myself to really depend on:

*No more sodas, sugars and otherwise bad for me foods. 
*Experimenting with more meal time ideas - new recipes and ways to make meals less boring and to teach my kids about diversity of food choices
*Couch to 5K - Seriously...I've been talking about running and haven't done it yet.  This is the time.
*Reading a book a week to expand my mind and spirit - Alchemist is  the first book
*Daily meditation/prayer to center my energy and provide focus.

I'm really hoping, after all this, I'll come out of Lent a happier, healthier person.  So, as they say in Nola - Laissez les bon temps rouler! 

Shattered

I thought I knew what was rock solid in my life and what wasn't.  I thought I knew what I could depend on, and what I couldn't.  All this has changed.  I'm at a redefining moment...a cross road.  It's a moment to sweep away the shattered peices of me and dig deep into my soul to find myself again.

No matter what ever happened, I clung to my family as a stable source of inspiration and support.  I felt safe when with them... found comfort in talking to them and felt valued when they confided in me.  That's all but gone now.  Miles and miles away from the people I loved most in the world and today I feel more of an outsider looking in than I ever have. 

It seems so easy right now to just pull into myself and just be.  No trust issues, no misunderstandings, no hurt, no pain (unless it's pain I cause myself). 

I have no desire for anything else really...things that should make me ecstatically happy, don't even register a ripple of emotion.  I know what this is...its a very familiar feeling all over again.  And, if it wasn't for my two kids, I don't think I'd care much to even try to fix it.  They're all I really have right now...probably all I'll ever have...until the day they push me away, saying I'm controlling and manipulative, lack empathy and understanding.

This is how I feel



For the past week, my family has been torn completely apart - and still, for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure how it happened and how it was allowed to escalate as it did?

The fallout from it is immense - for this post, I'm only focusing on my own feelings and raw emotions.  I lost my best friend-my brother.  He was the person I turned to for support - to bounce off ideas, talk through situations and helped me remain level headed.  I confided in him everything - I know I've alluded to situations in past posts, but he knew details and I felt I could trust him.  When the shit hit the fan, he threatened to expose me and all my secrets - which, if he had, would have ruined me and I would have lost my kids.  He made very hurtful comments on my facebook page for my friends to see, questioning my morals.  This person he became was not who I thought I knew and I resigned myself to distancing from him.  Maybe not forever, but for a clear amount of time to protect myself.

He made several comments about me that cut to the bone - I had become a mother figure to him and my siblings over the years, especially after my parents fell apart and had their own problems to deal with.  No one was here for us and we relied a lot on each other.  I took on the role as a parent, offering guidance when needed.  I offered advice, consolation, praise, support whenever it was needed, without hesitation.  Come to find out, all I had done which I did out of love for them, he felt was controlling. 

As all these realizations came through, I felt about as alone as anyone would be in this situation.  I tried to turn to my husband for some support, a hug, a shoulder and was met with nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset at him...I am trying to push him out of my life, right?

So, here I am...feeling about as alone as I could be right now.  I don't have a husband as a support person (haven't had that in i don't know how long), I don't have my brother/best friend.  I lost my best friend and at my lowest lowest point the other night, I so wanted to call him.  Probably wouldn't have been the best idea - and if I did reach out and was left hanging, god only knows what that would have done to me. 

I'm confident that the weekend will revive my spirits - that sleep and being with my children will help repair my heart.  I hate having my confidence shaken and I hate being alone...