This is how I feel



For the past week, my family has been torn completely apart - and still, for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure how it happened and how it was allowed to escalate as it did?

The fallout from it is immense - for this post, I'm only focusing on my own feelings and raw emotions.  I lost my best friend-my brother.  He was the person I turned to for support - to bounce off ideas, talk through situations and helped me remain level headed.  I confided in him everything - I know I've alluded to situations in past posts, but he knew details and I felt I could trust him.  When the shit hit the fan, he threatened to expose me and all my secrets - which, if he had, would have ruined me and I would have lost my kids.  He made very hurtful comments on my facebook page for my friends to see, questioning my morals.  This person he became was not who I thought I knew and I resigned myself to distancing from him.  Maybe not forever, but for a clear amount of time to protect myself.

He made several comments about me that cut to the bone - I had become a mother figure to him and my siblings over the years, especially after my parents fell apart and had their own problems to deal with.  No one was here for us and we relied a lot on each other.  I took on the role as a parent, offering guidance when needed.  I offered advice, consolation, praise, support whenever it was needed, without hesitation.  Come to find out, all I had done which I did out of love for them, he felt was controlling. 

As all these realizations came through, I felt about as alone as anyone would be in this situation.  I tried to turn to my husband for some support, a hug, a shoulder and was met with nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset at him...I am trying to push him out of my life, right?

So, here I am...feeling about as alone as I could be right now.  I don't have a husband as a support person (haven't had that in i don't know how long), I don't have my brother/best friend.  I lost my best friend and at my lowest lowest point the other night, I so wanted to call him.  Probably wouldn't have been the best idea - and if I did reach out and was left hanging, god only knows what that would have done to me. 

I'm confident that the weekend will revive my spirits - that sleep and being with my children will help repair my heart.  I hate having my confidence shaken and I hate being alone...

Love is my guiding star

I went back through my paper journal for this year and realized I never wrote about my star.  On the first Sunday of Epiphany, my church hands out stars randomly to the entire congregation.  There are 40 potential stars to pick out of a basket and you have no control over which of the stars will choose you.  In past years, I collected a star and tossed it aside, never really thinking much about the word on the star, the meaning or how it would play into the bigger picture of my life for that year.
This year, however, was different.  This year, I'm allowing my heart and mind to be open to the messages of the Universe (or God, which ever way makes you more comfortable in reading these blogs).  So, that first Sunday of Epiphany, I reached into the basket and pulled out a star with the word, "LOVE".   What am I to do with this?  That was my first thought.
The idea behind these stars is to find ways during the year to nurture, develop, find, strengthen, appreciate, give, recieve that word on the star.  Seems easy, right?   Ha HA!!!  So, a year ago I swore off the idea of true love, wasted a year of my life trying to figure out if love had any business in my life and the Universe responds by handing me "LOVE".

So...now what??  How do I allow LOVE back into my life again since I'm scared to death of getting hurt? 

Nurture:  continue to love my children unconditionally, set boundaries for them, provide them guidance and discipline, share what makes me happy so that they know how to love another person.
Develop:  hmmm...hard one here.  Perhaps I can be a better sister to my new sister in laws? 
Find:  yeah, not quite in the position for searching out love...
Strengthen:  this is a hard one...my marriage is never going to heal from the wounds inflicted, so strengthening that bond isn't likely to happen.  If I tackle the challenges with my family, the past history with my parents and try to form better bonds with my extended family, then I'll create stronger love bonds.
Appreciate:  yes, I do, all the time
Give:  for the most part yes...
Receive:  I am trying... but hard when trust is a factor

Valentine's Day

Last year, on Valentine's Day, I literally felt my heart break into a million peices.  I laid in my bed, after I put my kids to sleep and sobbed uncontrollably for hours.  I cried so long my eyes were swollen.  I cried so hard my face had tiny bruises around my eyes.  I cried so loud my throat hurt and I woke up my dear children.  As I let the anguish leave my body, my little ones held my hands and stroked my hair, cuddled up by me, scared to death I'm sure and I couldn't console them.  I just cried.  Why you ask?  Why not I ask you?  My marriage was shit.  I didn't love my husband at all anymore and he wouldn't give me what I needed - a break, a separation, a divorce.  I was trapped.  I sent a text to that night, before the sobbing begain, to a special person with a simple "I love you" and got NOTHING in return and it left me wounded beyond repair.  At that moment, I think I felt the most alone I had ever felt.

The part of me I had rediscovered after meeting that person- the part that learned to believe in fairy tales, hearts, flowers, kind words and poetry suddenly had zero business in my life.  Allowing this vulnerability was no longer an option - I didn't want to ever feel like this.  The risk taking in giving your heart away was more than I could bear.  I was NOT going to give my heart away ever again. I was angry, bitter, enraged and injured beyond words and so lonely that it hurt. 

Flash forward to 2011 - and yeah... still feel that way in so many ways.  But, I am coming through this... and I will be stronger for it.  I'll likely be more careful about who I share my heart with and be more mindful and responsible with the situation in which it happens. 

I know that this won't always feel like this.  Grief takes time to heal.... and it happens on it's own schedule, doesn't it?