Four Decades

My 40th birthday is in 4 days and I'm reflecting on four decades.

In 40 years, I became a big sister ...4 times.  I've lived in 4 states.  I lived in another country.  I've traveled to numerous countries and across the US.  I made lifelong friends and lost track of others.  I watched my family fall apart - watched my mother struggle with alcoholism and my father battle mental illness and the effect of PTSD.  I dated different guys, met one whom I married.  Had 2 children, divorced, met the love of my life and realized that I won't be married again.

I've made amazing choices...I've made devastatingly terrible decisions.

And, now...I'm wondering where I want things to go.  How do I want the rest of my life to go?  What do I want to leave as my legacy?

Where is this Going?

I named this picture when I saved it originally as "where is this going?"   Something about the path in the woods and not seeing the beginning or the end of the journey.

This is sort of where I am right now...enjoying what's in front of me, day by day...but wanting so badly to know where the road is taking me.  

For 2015, my epiphany star to follow is CONTENTMENT.  I think for years now, I've been so focused on what's at the end of the path that I'm failing to see, feel, touch, and embrace each moment of the journey.   I've failed to feel the moments of gratitude...

This journey since 2010 has been one of pure faith -  I had to take a step without any idea of how it was going to turn out, and hoped that when I took that first step, the stairway would appear before me.  Every bit of the way has been a blind walk on an entirely new, unpredictable path.  It's exhausting sometimes - not knowing what's actually going to happen.  Just knowing deep down that how life is now is a lot better than it was.  That's all I can cling to day by day - that today is better than yesterday, and resting my head at night with the intention that tomorrow will be better than today.