This is how I feel



For the past week, my family has been torn completely apart - and still, for the life of me, I'm not entirely sure how it happened and how it was allowed to escalate as it did?

The fallout from it is immense - for this post, I'm only focusing on my own feelings and raw emotions.  I lost my best friend-my brother.  He was the person I turned to for support - to bounce off ideas, talk through situations and helped me remain level headed.  I confided in him everything - I know I've alluded to situations in past posts, but he knew details and I felt I could trust him.  When the shit hit the fan, he threatened to expose me and all my secrets - which, if he had, would have ruined me and I would have lost my kids.  He made very hurtful comments on my facebook page for my friends to see, questioning my morals.  This person he became was not who I thought I knew and I resigned myself to distancing from him.  Maybe not forever, but for a clear amount of time to protect myself.

He made several comments about me that cut to the bone - I had become a mother figure to him and my siblings over the years, especially after my parents fell apart and had their own problems to deal with.  No one was here for us and we relied a lot on each other.  I took on the role as a parent, offering guidance when needed.  I offered advice, consolation, praise, support whenever it was needed, without hesitation.  Come to find out, all I had done which I did out of love for them, he felt was controlling. 

As all these realizations came through, I felt about as alone as anyone would be in this situation.  I tried to turn to my husband for some support, a hug, a shoulder and was met with nothing.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset at him...I am trying to push him out of my life, right?

So, here I am...feeling about as alone as I could be right now.  I don't have a husband as a support person (haven't had that in i don't know how long), I don't have my brother/best friend.  I lost my best friend and at my lowest lowest point the other night, I so wanted to call him.  Probably wouldn't have been the best idea - and if I did reach out and was left hanging, god only knows what that would have done to me. 

I'm confident that the weekend will revive my spirits - that sleep and being with my children will help repair my heart.  I hate having my confidence shaken and I hate being alone...

Love is my guiding star

I went back through my paper journal for this year and realized I never wrote about my star.  On the first Sunday of Epiphany, my church hands out stars randomly to the entire congregation.  There are 40 potential stars to pick out of a basket and you have no control over which of the stars will choose you.  In past years, I collected a star and tossed it aside, never really thinking much about the word on the star, the meaning or how it would play into the bigger picture of my life for that year.
This year, however, was different.  This year, I'm allowing my heart and mind to be open to the messages of the Universe (or God, which ever way makes you more comfortable in reading these blogs).  So, that first Sunday of Epiphany, I reached into the basket and pulled out a star with the word, "LOVE".   What am I to do with this?  That was my first thought.
The idea behind these stars is to find ways during the year to nurture, develop, find, strengthen, appreciate, give, recieve that word on the star.  Seems easy, right?   Ha HA!!!  So, a year ago I swore off the idea of true love, wasted a year of my life trying to figure out if love had any business in my life and the Universe responds by handing me "LOVE".

So...now what??  How do I allow LOVE back into my life again since I'm scared to death of getting hurt? 

Nurture:  continue to love my children unconditionally, set boundaries for them, provide them guidance and discipline, share what makes me happy so that they know how to love another person.
Develop:  hmmm...hard one here.  Perhaps I can be a better sister to my new sister in laws? 
Find:  yeah, not quite in the position for searching out love...
Strengthen:  this is a hard one...my marriage is never going to heal from the wounds inflicted, so strengthening that bond isn't likely to happen.  If I tackle the challenges with my family, the past history with my parents and try to form better bonds with my extended family, then I'll create stronger love bonds.
Appreciate:  yes, I do, all the time
Give:  for the most part yes...
Receive:  I am trying... but hard when trust is a factor

Valentine's Day

Last year, on Valentine's Day, I literally felt my heart break into a million peices.  I laid in my bed, after I put my kids to sleep and sobbed uncontrollably for hours.  I cried so long my eyes were swollen.  I cried so hard my face had tiny bruises around my eyes.  I cried so loud my throat hurt and I woke up my dear children.  As I let the anguish leave my body, my little ones held my hands and stroked my hair, cuddled up by me, scared to death I'm sure and I couldn't console them.  I just cried.  Why you ask?  Why not I ask you?  My marriage was shit.  I didn't love my husband at all anymore and he wouldn't give me what I needed - a break, a separation, a divorce.  I was trapped.  I sent a text to that night, before the sobbing begain, to a special person with a simple "I love you" and got NOTHING in return and it left me wounded beyond repair.  At that moment, I think I felt the most alone I had ever felt.

The part of me I had rediscovered after meeting that person- the part that learned to believe in fairy tales, hearts, flowers, kind words and poetry suddenly had zero business in my life.  Allowing this vulnerability was no longer an option - I didn't want to ever feel like this.  The risk taking in giving your heart away was more than I could bear.  I was NOT going to give my heart away ever again. I was angry, bitter, enraged and injured beyond words and so lonely that it hurt. 

Flash forward to 2011 - and yeah... still feel that way in so many ways.  But, I am coming through this... and I will be stronger for it.  I'll likely be more careful about who I share my heart with and be more mindful and responsible with the situation in which it happens. 

I know that this won't always feel like this.  Grief takes time to heal.... and it happens on it's own schedule, doesn't it? 

Dreams - What Do They Mean?

This past year I have had dreams that have affected me so deeply.  I can tell by the way I wake up in the morning that something is profoundly missing in my life.  I'm lonely.  I miss him.  When I wake up with those lonely and empty feelings, I am reminded like a stinging slap to the face that he's not there - for reasons that were always in my control.  There are mornings I just want to keep my eyes closed, to soak up the visions in my mind a little longer and hear his voice in my head echoing in the sweet ways I'd often hear over the phone.  The memories are fading now as time goes by... the images aren't as clear as they were.  I concentrate hard to remember specific parts of him - his eyes especially.  Those kind, brown eyes.  Eyes that looked at me with total love and adoration.  Eyes that could see right through me. 

There have been dreams I vividly remember after waking, which in a sense, will haunt me forever as I struggle to grasp for the meaning. 

The photo for this post is a perfect fit to a dream I had--I was walking through the forest, much like the forest in this picture.  It was chilly, the air was dry, crisp.  The leaves crackled under my feet.  I was talking - not on the phone I don't think or to anyone in particular walking beside me.  Just walking and talking with a very comforting and familiar voice, deeper and deeper into the woods.  Suddenly, in my dream, I'm in a ravine - I walked into it, but couldn't get out of it.  The walls were either too steep, or the leaves too slippery.  I was stuck and continued to walk deeper and further into it until I stopped and called for help... I remember in my dream, just yelling for help.  I was alone, at one point, the voice was gone but I kept on yelling.  I stopped screaming, and heard in the distance, the familiar voice yelling back to me - I'm here, I'm here...the sound of his voice getting closer to me.  I'd yell, he'd respond...then I was pulled out of the ravine and was safe.

Deep, huh?  Can you see why it haunts me?  I recognized the voice in my dream, but now, after time has passed, I wonder who it really was who saved me in this dream?

I'm an Acorn

"Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!"


Early in the morning, when my son wakes from sleep, he'll mumble the most random things while he's coming out of his twilight sleep and most times I dismiss them and move on with the day we have ahead of us. 
This morning,what he said when he woke up made me pause - he said, "mom, you're an acorn" and rolled back over and fell asleep. 

An acorn... ok.  So, as we laid in bed, struggling to wake up for the day, I wondered - am I an acorn?  do i want to be an acorn?  my mind at this point didn't think of an acorn in a very positive way at all.  Acorns fall from oak trees, the lay around on the ground. Squirrels collect them for food... is that what I wanted to be?  Now, a squirrel, that seemed to be the way to go - a go-getter, busy, nimble, pro-active, social, playful, right?  That seemed to fit me better, so I thought!

I ventured on to work, and the thought of "mom, you're an acorn" kept rattling in my mind.  What did it mean when he said that?  What's it mean to be an acorn?  So, on to google I went....

-Druids believed that the acorn held special powers related to love and divination.  If two people placed an acorn into a bowl of water and the acorns floated together, it meant they were to be married.  If they drifted apart, they were not meant to be. 
-British folklore states that a person who carries an acorn in his pocket will remain youthful.
-During the Norman Conquest, the English carried dried acorns to protect themselves from the brutalities of the day. Considered to be an emblem of luck, prosperity, youthfulness and power, the Acorn is a good luck symbol indeed. It also represents spiritual growth.
-Wiccans/pagan believe in the acorn being a symbol of strength and power.  Since acorns only come from mature oak trees, they also symbolize patience to attain goals over a long period of time.
-Acorns hold signifigance as a Celitc symbol for life, fertility, and immortality. For this reason it is often sacred to the god Thor, who is ruler of fire and fertility. When it is carried on the person, it can often preserve youthfulness. Also acts as the symbol for strength

With this new found knowledge of acorns, I was filled with so much love for my son.  That early morning random statement held more meaning than he will ever understand.  I wanted to be an acorn.

I have struggled.  I have been as patient as I could be with the changes happening in my life. I have felt weakened by the overwhelming circumstances which surround me, but yet draw upon an inner strength to keep moving ahead and not allow myself to give up and lose hope in what lies ahead.

So, here I am, as an acorn... all this potential under the surface, minding my time, waiting for the right environment which will allow me to take root in this world to one day become a strong oak tree. 

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” 

(now, about my son being this early morning twilight sleep "oracle".... we'll save that for another blog)