Dreams - What Do They Mean?

This past year I have had dreams that have affected me so deeply.  I can tell by the way I wake up in the morning that something is profoundly missing in my life.  I'm lonely.  I miss him.  When I wake up with those lonely and empty feelings, I am reminded like a stinging slap to the face that he's not there - for reasons that were always in my control.  There are mornings I just want to keep my eyes closed, to soak up the visions in my mind a little longer and hear his voice in my head echoing in the sweet ways I'd often hear over the phone.  The memories are fading now as time goes by... the images aren't as clear as they were.  I concentrate hard to remember specific parts of him - his eyes especially.  Those kind, brown eyes.  Eyes that looked at me with total love and adoration.  Eyes that could see right through me. 

There have been dreams I vividly remember after waking, which in a sense, will haunt me forever as I struggle to grasp for the meaning. 

The photo for this post is a perfect fit to a dream I had--I was walking through the forest, much like the forest in this picture.  It was chilly, the air was dry, crisp.  The leaves crackled under my feet.  I was talking - not on the phone I don't think or to anyone in particular walking beside me.  Just walking and talking with a very comforting and familiar voice, deeper and deeper into the woods.  Suddenly, in my dream, I'm in a ravine - I walked into it, but couldn't get out of it.  The walls were either too steep, or the leaves too slippery.  I was stuck and continued to walk deeper and further into it until I stopped and called for help... I remember in my dream, just yelling for help.  I was alone, at one point, the voice was gone but I kept on yelling.  I stopped screaming, and heard in the distance, the familiar voice yelling back to me - I'm here, I'm here...the sound of his voice getting closer to me.  I'd yell, he'd respond...then I was pulled out of the ravine and was safe.

Deep, huh?  Can you see why it haunts me?  I recognized the voice in my dream, but now, after time has passed, I wonder who it really was who saved me in this dream?

I'm an Acorn

"Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!"


Early in the morning, when my son wakes from sleep, he'll mumble the most random things while he's coming out of his twilight sleep and most times I dismiss them and move on with the day we have ahead of us. 
This morning,what he said when he woke up made me pause - he said, "mom, you're an acorn" and rolled back over and fell asleep. 

An acorn... ok.  So, as we laid in bed, struggling to wake up for the day, I wondered - am I an acorn?  do i want to be an acorn?  my mind at this point didn't think of an acorn in a very positive way at all.  Acorns fall from oak trees, the lay around on the ground. Squirrels collect them for food... is that what I wanted to be?  Now, a squirrel, that seemed to be the way to go - a go-getter, busy, nimble, pro-active, social, playful, right?  That seemed to fit me better, so I thought!

I ventured on to work, and the thought of "mom, you're an acorn" kept rattling in my mind.  What did it mean when he said that?  What's it mean to be an acorn?  So, on to google I went....

-Druids believed that the acorn held special powers related to love and divination.  If two people placed an acorn into a bowl of water and the acorns floated together, it meant they were to be married.  If they drifted apart, they were not meant to be. 
-British folklore states that a person who carries an acorn in his pocket will remain youthful.
-During the Norman Conquest, the English carried dried acorns to protect themselves from the brutalities of the day. Considered to be an emblem of luck, prosperity, youthfulness and power, the Acorn is a good luck symbol indeed. It also represents spiritual growth.
-Wiccans/pagan believe in the acorn being a symbol of strength and power.  Since acorns only come from mature oak trees, they also symbolize patience to attain goals over a long period of time.
-Acorns hold signifigance as a Celitc symbol for life, fertility, and immortality. For this reason it is often sacred to the god Thor, who is ruler of fire and fertility. When it is carried on the person, it can often preserve youthfulness. Also acts as the symbol for strength

With this new found knowledge of acorns, I was filled with so much love for my son.  That early morning random statement held more meaning than he will ever understand.  I wanted to be an acorn.

I have struggled.  I have been as patient as I could be with the changes happening in my life. I have felt weakened by the overwhelming circumstances which surround me, but yet draw upon an inner strength to keep moving ahead and not allow myself to give up and lose hope in what lies ahead.

So, here I am, as an acorn... all this potential under the surface, minding my time, waiting for the right environment which will allow me to take root in this world to one day become a strong oak tree. 

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” 

(now, about my son being this early morning twilight sleep "oracle".... we'll save that for another blog)

2011--the Year I Realized I'm OLD!

I had every intention of posting something profound and meaningful at the first of the year, but was sidetracked by life.... wouldn't you know it?  Posts would pop into my head, but at the time, I just wasn't as inspired as I needed to be to create something worthy of you, my dear readers and faithful fans :)  Totally didn't want to embark on the cheezy, yet oh so expected "2011 Resolution List" either.  Especially since I do have fans and some followers who will hold me accountable. 

But, for those really wondering what I want to do with myself in 2011 - here it is:

APPRECIATE THE HAPPINESS AND JOY IN MY LIFE
EMBRACE LOVE AS IT COMES TO ME... STOP LOOKING FOR IT
DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN I DESERVE
REALIZE THAT MATERIAL POSSESSIONS ARE MEANINGLESS

I'm turning 36 tomorrow....... 36 years old.  Yep, that's right.  I'm THAT old now...ever closer to 40.  A year ago, age wasn't an issue or concern, I was in denial or something. For some reason, I just felt as though I was eternally 25, young, spirited, and ready to take on the world, felt as though I would have all I ever wanted within reach and that I would be loved and appreciated for being ME.  Now, here I am... still spirited... still have that "youthful" glow about me according to those who love me enough to keep my ego in check.  Take on the world though? I just want to be able to tackle my personal challenges once and for all... maybe then, the world will open up in front of me and challenge me to a throw down, which, I am fairly certain I could win.  All I ever wanted within reach?  Apparently, all I ever really wanted was just an illusion.  I need to really figure out the Needs vs the Wants.   Loved and appreciated for being ME?  yeah, you all are awesome for keeping that part going for me-THANK YOU for that!

So, for my birthday, I have NOT A CLUE what I'm doing to celebrate.  Tonight, the princess and I are making cupcakes for her class snack.  I was invited to watch "Monster Trucks" at the Verizon Center, but vetoed that option immediately.  So much wrong with that and I can't really put it in a cohesive sentence to explain why.  I'm not THAT redneck evidently, because not a single bone in my body got even slightly excited at the prospect of watching big loud trucks crush the shit out of each other to the cheering hoots and hollers of a class of people I tend to avoid, even at Walmart.  Then, there's the fact that I've never asked to go to a Monster Truck Rally, or even hinted that it would be cool to go for ME. Now, take my kids on some fun filled family night, perhaps.  But, as a gift to spend my birthday, who are you kidding?  I can't even give that an "A" for effort.  That is an epic FAIL in my book of thoughtful things to do for someone's birthday whom you've known for 17 years. 

Honestly, I just want the day to go by without drama attached.  :)